Suddenly, Jax tore his hand away like I'd burned him, a scowl forming on his face. I couldn't tell if he was angry at me, or at himself, but another stab of hurt rocked my body nevertheless.
With an abrupt movement, he stood up. "Fuck. I have to get out of here. I can't do this right now."
I leaned towards him, every fiber of my being aching with the need to be near him. "Stay, Jax. Please."
He clenched his hands, frustration still hanging over his dark brows. "No. I've . . . I've got to go find the band. You should rest. If you need me later, I'll be sleeping on the deck tonight."
"I want to talk about this more," I said, my voice trembling.
"I'm sorry, Riley. But I can't." He turned and walked away from me. Each step he took was like a spike through my heart.
At the door though, he paused. "See you in the morning," he said. His voice was so soft I almost didn't hear him.
Then, with one last anguished look at me, he left the bus. I sank back down on the couch, overwhelmed and heartsick.
Is this really how it ends? I didn't want to believe it, I couldn't believe it. But what if I really was bad for Jax? I'd been afraid of this before, because I was the one whose insecurities had led us into our run in with Darrel in the first place. And now Darrel—and the pain he'd caused—was tearing us apart.
My heart pounded painfully in my chest. Was it too late for us? It seemed like I was making everything worse for Jax, when all I ever wanted was to make things better. But even so, I didn't want to lie down without a fight. If I did, then Darrel would win—and that was an injustice that neither Jax or I should have to live with.
No matter what he said, I still felt like he wanted to be with me. Even if he'd never told me he loved me, I saw in his eyes how much he cared for me, every time he turned his dark gaze to mine. I could feel it in his tenderness every time we touched.
And I wanted to be with him. Mind, body, and soul. I couldn't give up on us, not now. We had come too far, fought too hard for what we shared—a trust, a desire, a comfort like no other.
In a daze, I went up to the Fortress of Solitude and sat down on the bed, my mind a jumble. If we could work together, and believe in our trust for each other, we might still have a chance.
Chapter Eighteen
BURNOUT
I woke up alone in Jax's bed. For a brief second, everything seemed fine. Then I remembered, and the realization that Jax and I were on the rocks hit me like a ton of bricks. Being awake physically hurt.
I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes, remembering my resolution from last night. I couldn't let us be defeated, not yet. There had to be some way I could help Jax with his PTSD. Even if I was his trigger. The first thing I could do to help him—and us—was to make sure he knew how deeply I was committed to him, no matter what.
I got out of bed and changed into jeans and a t-shirt before checking my phone. It was nine in the morning. People were surely up by now.
But when I went out in the living room, it was empty. I checked every room. Same deal. Somewhat surprised, I decided to head out of the bus and go to the performers area of the festival. It was kind of strange for the entire band to leave the bus so early in the morning, but if they were anywhere then the performers area was probably the place.
As I walked across the festival grounds toward the performers area, my stomach twisted in knots. Why had Jax left me on the tour bus? Why had the entire band left with him? The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. After the talk we'd had last night, being left alone on the tour bus without a word gave me the sinking feeling that Jax was pushing me away.
Sky and Chewie were standing outside and chatting as I approached the performers area. They saw me and waved. I waved back. They got me through security without issue and soon I was talking to Sky face to face while Chewie went to go find Kev.
"Where were you guys this morning?" I asked her, trying to keep my voice casual. "I know I slept in, but it wasn't that late!"
Sky rolled her eyes and jammed her hands in her pockets. "Sorry, Jax had it in his head that we needed to get here early for something, but when we got here it turned out he was wrong."
"Oh," I said, my heart sinking still further. So Jax had been the one that got them up and out the door without a thought for me at all. "What did he say it was?"
"Some interview thing," she said with a shrug, her eyes darting around. "After the fire yesterday, I guess. Who knows? Listen, why don't we go get a cup of coffee at the food area? It's still early."
I shook my head. "No, I want to talk to Jax first. Do you know where he is?"
Sky bit her lip. "No. Why don't we get that cup of coffee and you can find him later?"
I pressed my lips together and studied her face. Something was off. "No, I think I'll go to the performer's lounge and wait for him. It's important."
Her face twisted into a brief grimace. "You really don't want to do that. I mean it."
Her words made my mouth feel dry. What the hell was going on in there? Waving off Sky's protests, I walked briskly toward the makeshift performers hall, which was usually used for farmers markets. Temporary partitions with flimsy doors separated the individual band areas. After a few minutes, I found the one labelled "Hitchcocks," knocked once, and opened the door.
Jax sat in a chair facing the door. A platinum blonde groupie straddled him. His hands were by his sides. She had her fingers down by his belt buckle and her shirt off, though a black bra was still on.
Anger burned in my chest and made my cheeks flush. The groupie turned with a languid movement when I came in and eyed me curiously.
What was this girl doing with Jax? What was he doing with her? My lips curled and I took several shallow breaths. Even though I'd known that Jax and I were on the rocks, I hadn't expected this. I trusted him.
But it had happened. Struggling to keep myself steady, I looked this groupie in the eye and pointed to the door. "Get out of here," I said, my voice shaking slightly. "Now."
She turned back to Jax, as if for confirmation. He sighed and pointed to the door himself. "That's my girlfriend," he said tiredly. "You need to go."
She paused for a moment then shrugged, got off of Jax, and retrieved her shirt from the floor. Soon she was gone.
Once the door was closed, I turned to face Jax. He sat and looked at me with his eyes glazed, as if the last bits of his life had been tugged out of him. The sight made me pity him for just a moment before I remembered what I had just seen.
"Jax," I asked quietly, trying to keep myself steady. "What the hell was that?"