I feel complete and empty all at the same time. But mostly I feel like the most irresponsible woman ever. For God’s sake I’m a healthcare provider, yet I let a guy with a known history of drug abuse have unprotected sex with me. I’m on birth control, so pregnancy isn’t my concern; it’s those pesky life-threatening STDs. I’m an idiot! I need to call him, since it’s apparent he’s not going to call me, but I don’t know if I can hear his voice and keep it together.
Instead, I take the coward’s way out and text him.
Me: You need to get tested and send me the results.
I slip my phone in my pocket as the ambulance pulls up, oddly grateful for the distraction. My job keeps me going forward; when I’m here and in the moment I don’t have time to look back at the train wreck that happened Saturday night.
The five-year-old boy who fell from a tree goes to X-ray while Jade keeps giving me the eye from the nurses’ station.
“What?”
“You’re sulking. Is this about Steven and the intern he was caught with in the on-call room?”
Lovely!
I sigh, rolling my eyes. “No, I haven’t talked with him in weeks.”
“So things are over?”
I laugh. “Well if they weren’t, I’m pretty sure they are now.”
“Are you mad?”
I sign off on a chart. “No.” It’s the truth, but I wish I were. It would mean that I had feelings for a guy—a heterosexual guy who’s capable of reciprocating my feelings. Instead I get a sympathy fuck from my gay best friend and possibly a nice cocktail of STDs.
*
The rest of the week goes by and not a single reply from Trick. The pain has simmered into a volatile potion of rage. I’m ready to drive over there with a large gauge needle and draw blood from the dorsal vein in his penis!
“Darby, there’s a patient in room two that’s requesting you.” Mary peeks into the lounge and grins. “He said you requested he have blood drawn, but I don’t see any notation about it in his chart.”
Jade slides through the door past Mary. “Darby, the squirrel’s back!”
Dr. Ellis pours a cup of coffee; deep lines draw together on his forehead. “Squirrel?”
Slipping on my lab coat, I smirk. “Jade will explain.”
In the twenty steps it takes to get to room two, I give myself a huge pep talk and force ten deep breaths.
Adjusting my ponytail, I throw back my shoulders and open the door. My lungs deflate. Trick’s sitting on the table with a black eye, busted lip, and bruised jaw.
“What the hell happened?” I move toward him with cautious steps and lift his chin with my finger to inspect the rest of his face riddled with bruises that look several days old.
“Take what you need.” He holds out his arm.
A pang of guilt jabs my stomach, like asking him to get tested shows my lack of trust in him. But I have to start thinking with my head, so I wash my hands, slip on my gloves, and draw his blood. I feel his eyes on me the whole time.
“I’ll have someone call you with the results tomorrow.” I write on his chart, unable to even look at him.
He hops off the table. “No need. They can call you. I already know the results will be negative.”
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
He brushes past me to the door.
“Trick.” I turn, but he keeps his back to me with his hand gripping the door handle. “Was I your first?”
“First what?”
“Was I the first woman you’ve ever made love to?”
He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move. I’m not sure what I even want his answer to be. And out of all the questions that I should be asking him, this one seems the least relevant, but it’s the one I can’t get out of my mind.
“Yes,” he whispers, and then he’s gone.
*
The test comes back negative, but I shed the guilt. I have to start being more responsible and sometimes that doesn’t make me popular. Nana’s meeting me for Sunday brunch. It’s the first time I’ve talked with her in over a week, a record for us. Nana’s the constant in my life, and if I’m going to have guilt for anything it should be from my lack of contact with her. She’s left me several messages but I’ve been too busy and too scared to call her back until yesterday. I needed the blood test results before I could talk to anyone about last weekend.
“I’m going to cut you out of my will if you pull another stunt like that.” She waves a finger at me as she sits down.
“Oh yeah … the will.” I roll my eyes.
She gives me the evil stink eye.
“Sorry, I should have called you back.”
“Yes, you should have. I was worried.”
I laugh. “You know where I live, yet I never saw you.”