It was all he could do to sit still when he needed to jump up, pace, pinch the bridge of his nose, clear his throat again. But he only waited.
“I appreciate what you’ve done for them. But me… Well, I never should have slept with you. I’m not made for casual sex. And that’s what this is for you. I’m another convenience here—meals, toilet, shower, sex.”
He shot to his feet, his chair scraping back. “That’s bull—”
Lia shook her head so vehemently he had to stop, still ten feet away from her. “It’s true.” Her voice was so soft he could barely hear her. “I’m not mad. You never even hinted at anything else. We were two consenting adults. But I realized I don’t want to consent anymore.” Her shoulders moved. “That’s all.”
“You’re not a convenience. You were never that.” The words pushed their way out of him. “For God’s sake, it never occurred to me that sex would be provided along with kitchen privileges.” The idea seriously pissed him off. That she’d think for a minute that’s all she was to him. “You have to know that you’ve got me feeling things I didn’t know I could feel.”
She stared at him. Her hands gripped each other, her knuckles white. “What kind of things?”
Conall shook his head. He hadn’t articulated any of this to himself, how could he now to her? Why couldn’t she be patient? Why was she pushing him?
After a minute she gave a small, broken laugh. “Things. Boy, am I flattered.” She shook her head as if to clear it. “If you’ll excuse me, I promised myself I was going to wash the windows today.”
Before he could figure out what to say, she was gone. He heard her voice—talking to the boys, he diagnosed. Conall looked down at his soggy cereal, his appetite gone. He dumped the mess in the sink, turned on the disposal then put the bowl in the dishwasher.
He had no idea why he felt shell-shocked. This op wasn’t never-ending, however it sometimes felt. He’d be packing up and going soon no matter what. Maybe she was right; maybe it was better if they eased out of the relationship instead of going cold turkey. He looked at the coffee and dumped that, too. For the first time he noticed that the sky was overcast. Perfect. Suited his mood.
* * *
CONALL HAD A COUPLE of ideas for unsticking the pause button on Operation Watch The Grass Grow, which made it seem like good timing to call Duncan and ask if they could get together and talk. It wasn’t until Conall pulled into his brother’s driveway that he realized he wasn’t here to secure local police cooperation. He was here because of all these feelings rattling around inside him.
He swore under his breath, set the emergency brake and killed the engine, then sat there for longer than he should have. Was he really contemplating spilling his gut to the brother he hadn’t spoken to for ten-plus years? The brother he’d sworn he hated?
Why hadn’t he gone to Niall instead? They at least were friends of a sort.
He didn’t have to say anything. He could keep this brisk and business-like.
Conall got out when he realized Duncan had opened the door and was waiting, one shoulder propped on the frame. When Conall got close enough, his brother straightened. “I picked up some food at the deli and started making sandwiches.”
Conall nodded. “Thanks.” He’d suggested lunch if Duncan could choose someplace out of the way, and wasn’t surprised at the decisive answer. “My place.”
“Jane at work?” he asked, following his brother through the quiet house. He found himself looking around more this time, liking what he saw. The decor was classy but comfortable, with leather furniture that had a masculine feel, gleaming wood floors, white walls, a river rock fireplace in the living room, bookcases everywhere, and some eye-catching gallery quality wildlife photographs. With books and newspapers lying on end tables and a playpen with a bright mobile in the middle of the living room, it felt like a real home, something the house they’d grown up in never had. He wondered how much represented Duncan’s tastes, how much Jane’s.
“Yeah.” His brother’s smile was crooked. “I keep listening for her and Fiona. Funny feeling, after I lived alone for so many years, and now the house isn’t right when I’m the only one home.”