He cupped the back of my head. “I wouldn’t do that to you, Lily. I wouldn’t just take your virginity without permission, and even then…” He shook his head. “I shouldn’t even think about taking your virginity. But you don’t have to worry. My finger isn’t wide enough and I didn’t go deep enough to do any damage. You’re safe.”
“I wasn’t scared, I just…” Yes, what? I had been worried. There was no denying it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want Romero. I did. But that was a huge step, one I couldn’t take back.
“It’s okay. You should be scared about that. Your life would be ruined if you lost your virginity before your wedding night,” he said in a strange tone. He wrapped his arms around me, so I couldn’t look at his face anymore. “I want you to be the one, you know?” I whispered into the dark.
“But I cannot do it,” Romero said, his fingers tightening on my arm.
“Why not?”
“Lily,” Romero said almost angrily. “You know why not. So far we’ve been lucky that we didn’t get caught. Your sisters and Luca are already suspicious as it is. Right now we could still deny everything and nobody would be able to prove the opposite, but if we slept with each other, then there would be evidence.”
“Evidence?” I huffed. “We aren’t planning to commit a crime.”
“In our world it is. We don’t play by the rules of the outside world and you know it.”
“We only want to be together because we love each other. Is that so bad?” I snapped my mouth shut when I realized what I’d said. I’d practically put the words “I love you” into Romero’s words when he’d never said them. I hadn’t either but I knew I loved him. Did he love me as well?
He’d become motionless and for a moment even stopped breathing altogether. “Fuck,” Romero whispered harshly. He pressed a kiss against my temple. “This is spinning out of control.”
“I meant it, Romero. I love you,” I said.
He was quiet. “You shouldn’t. We don’t have a future, Lily.”
My heart ached from his words. I didn’t want to believe them to be true. “You don’t know that.”
“You’re right,” Romero said eventually. He kissed my temple again and then neither of us said anything.
***Mother had died with longing in her eyes and regret on her lips. This wasn’t how I wanted to end. I didn’t want to have a pile of ‘what if’s’ and ‘how could it have been’ in my head during the last hours of my existence. I wanted to look back and not wonder how wonderful life could have been. I wanted Romero. I wanted Romero to be my first, wanted to share everything with him. Right in this moment, I wanted nothing more, and I knew that even if I’d come to regret it, that regret could never be as torturous as the one I’d feel if I didn’t do it, the one where I’d always be left wondering how it would be to become one with the person I loved. Sometimes you had to risk something to live, and Romero was a risk I was willing to take. That was all I could think about as I relished the last few moments of my orgasm.
Romero climbed up my body and brushed a kiss across my lips. He was about to lie down beside me, as he always did after he’d taken care of me, but I held onto his shoulders. “I don’t want to stop tonight.”
He became very still. His dark eyes traced every contour of my face as if he was hoping for a hint of regret somewhere, but I knew he wouldn’t find any. I’d spent too many nights longing and wondering and wishing, and tonight I’d finally get what I wanted. Of course, I needed Romero’s cooperation but I had a feeling he wouldn’t refuse me. He was dutiful and responsible, but he was also a man, and he wanted me. I could see it in his eyes, and his erection pressed up against my hipbone was a pretty good indicator as well. “Lily,” Romero rasped, then cleared his throat. I had to stifle a smile. “That’s something that can’t be undone. Everything we’ve done so far is easy to hide, but beyond this point, there are ways to prove our…transgressions.”
I laughed softly. “Transgressions?” I lifted my head and kissed him. “How can this be wrong?” Of course, I knew that Father and many other people in our world could have written a novel on all the ways, but I didn’t care. There was no part in me that thought what we were doing was wrong, and that was all that mattered.
“We discussed this already. I shouldn’t do this. For God’s sake, I made a promise to Luca to protect you. How is ruining your life protecting you?”
“You aren’t ruining my life. I want this, doesn’t that count for anything?”
“Of course it does.”
I pressed myself against him and grasped his cock through his boxers. “I want you. Only you. I want you to be my first.” I wanted him to be my only one. “Don’t you want to be my first?”
Romero exhaled a laugh and kissed the corner of my mouth, then my cheek before his eyes burned into mine again. “You know how much I want you. I can hardly think of anything else.”
I curled my fingers tighter around his erection. “I know.”
He released a harsh breath, then let out a quiet laugh. “You’ve got me in your hands in every possible way. That’s not how it’s supposed to be.”
I smiled. It felt good to know that I had that kind of power over someone like Romero. But he held just as much power over me, and my heart. It was a scary thing, knowing that someone else had the power to crush your heart with a few words. Love was scary. “I want you to be the one, Romero. I don’t want anyone else. Please.”