I tried to speak but I was mute. I wondered when the first tears would fall. Right now, I still felt too numb.
“You’re condemning Lily to a life of misery,” Fabiano said the words I could only think. He sounded so…old. Like he’d become a man some time when I hadn’t been looking. I wanted to give him a grateful smile but my face was frozen, all of me was. Was this really happening?
This morning I’d still kissed Romero and now I was supposed to marry Brasci.
“I’m making reasonable decisions. You don’t understand it yet, but you will.”
“No. I would never do something like that.”
“You will do worse, believe me, Son.” He sighed. “We all have to make sacrifices. That’s life.”
What kind of sacrifice was it to marry a young woman who could be his daughter? I was supposed to do the sacrificing.
I couldn’t stop wondering when the tears would come but there wasn’t even the trademark prickling yet. There was nothing. I was nothing. Again I tried to call up an image of Benito Brasci, but I came up empty. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t Romero.
“You’ll meet him tomorrow. He and Ramona are coming over for dinner.”
Maybe it could have been funny if it wasn’t so terrible.
“Okay,” I said simply. I sounded collected. Fabiano frowned at me, Father looked immensely pleased. I rose from my chair and crossed the room toward the door. “I’m going to bed. I had a long day.”
“Aren’t you going to join us for dinner?” Father asked, but he didn’t sound like he cared.
“I’m not hungry,” I said calmly.
“Then sleep well. Tomorrow is an exciting day for both of us.”
My hand on the door handle stilled for an instant. A flicker of something, maybe anger, seized my body but then it was gone and I was numb again.
One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. The mantra filled my head as I ascended the staircase. Steps thundered after me and then Fabiano was beside me. He grabbed my arm. He was as tall as me now. He was so grown. These thoughts repeated themselves in my mind. Maybe my brain had been broken by shock, or shut down because the reality of the situation was too much to bear.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Lily?” he growled. His voice wasn’t man yet, but not boy either.
“Wrong?” I asked.
“Yes, wrong,” Fabiano muttered. He released me and I rubbed my arm. He was strong.
Was something wrong with me? Maybe that was the problem. I’d done many wrong things in the past. I’d slept with Romero, even though we weren’t married. Maybe this was punishment for my sins. The pastor in our church would probably have said so.
“Why aren’t you freaking out? Why did you just say okay? Do you even realize what you agreed to?”
I wasn’t aware I’d agreed to anything. How could I have when nobody had ever asked me about my opinion? “Because there is nothing I can do.”
“Bullshit,” Fabi said, stomping his foot. Maybe not as grown up as I thought.
I almost smiled, if my face had been capable of movement. “When did you start swearing so much?”
“All the Made Men do.”
“But you aren’t one of them yet.”
“But soon.”
I nodded. That’s what I’d feared. Father seemed keen on ruining both of our lives.
“And that doesn’t even matter right now. You can’t just accept this marriage. You have to do something.”
“What? What can I do?” I asked with a hint of anger. That brief burst of emotion scared me because I preferred the numbness.
“Something,” Fabiano said quietly, brown eyes pleading with me. “Anything. Don’t just accept it.”
“Then tell me what I can do. You are the future Made Man. Tell me.”
Fabiano averted his gaze, guilt on his face.
I touched his shoulder. “There’s nothing either of us can do.”
“You could run like Gianna,” Fabi burst out.
“She got caught.”
“But you wouldn’t.”
“I would.” I was nothing like Gianna. I wouldn’t even last one month, probably not even a week. I wasn’t a rebel. I didn’t even want to leave this life behind. There was no way I would survive on my own for long.
But maybe I wouldn’t have to be alone. Romero could come with me. He knew how to evade pursuers. Together we could make it.
“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” Fabi asked with a boyish grin.
“Remember where your loyalties are,” I whispered. “This is betrayal. If Father finds out, you’re going to be punished harshly.”
“I’m not a Made Man yet.”
“But as good as, you said it yourself. They will judge you as they would a Made Man, and that would mean death.”
“Father needs an heir,” Fabi said.
“Father will soon have a young bride who can give him plenty of children. Maybe he won’t need you after all.”
Fabi made a gagging sound. “It’s like he’s marrying you. It’s sick.”
I couldn’t deny it. “Benito Brasci is older than Father, isn’t he?”
“I don’t know. He looks ancient.”
“I should go up to my room,” I said absent-mindedly. I needed to talk to Romero. Fabi didn’t stop me as I walked up the remaining steps and headed for my room.
When the door closed after me, I feared for a moment that I’d actually burst into tears, but the stopper keeping my emotions in held fast.
I fumbled my mobile out of the bottom of my travel bag and dialed Romero’s number. My hands shook and when Romero didn’t pick up after the first two rings like he usually did, I could feel panic slip through the cracks in my numbness. He didn’t know I’d call, but I couldn’t help but worry that something had happened to him. Or that he’d found out about my engagement to Basci and didn’t want anything to do with me. What if Luca had known all along? It was possible that Father had told him on the phone and Luca hadn’t mentioned it because he knew Aria and Gianna would make a scene.
I was sent to voicemail and quickly hung up. I hadn’t even put the phone away when the screen flashed with Romero’s name. Taking a deep breath, I answered.