I’d have thought she would be happy if I left her alone and looked for another woman, like so many wives in our circles were.
She tilted her head toward me with a small frown. “Did you think I wouldn’t care?”
“Many women in our world are glad when their husbands use whores or take on a mistress. As you said, there are few marriages based on love. If a woman can’t stand her husband’s touch, she won’t mind him having affairs to satisfy his needs.”
Her mouth thinned. “His needs.”
“I’m not a good man, Aria. I never pretended otherwise. There are no good men in the mafia.” I’d been trying to be good to her even when I knew I’d fail eventually, but I’d hoped it wouldn’t happen so soon.
Her gaze dipped to my chest, the spot over my heart. “I know, but you made me think that I could trust you and that you wouldn’t hurt me.”
“I never hurt you.” Didn’t she realize how hard I was trying?
“It hurt seeing you with her,” Aria admitted in a whisper, looking away and swallowing once more as if she had to fight back more tears.
The urge to touch her was impossibly strong, but I held back. “Aria, I didn’t get the feeling that you wanted to sleep with me. I thought you’d be glad if I didn’t touch you.”
Aria shook her head. “When did I say that?”
“When I told you I wanted you, you pulled back. You looked disgusted.” Her expression had haunted me those last few days; how could she not remember?
“We were kissing, and you said you wanted to fuck me more than any other woman. Of course, I pulled back. I’m not some whore you can use when you feel like it. You’re never home. How am I supposed to get to know you?”
She knew everything about me that mattered, and the things she didn’t know were for the best.
Aria sighed. “What did you think? I’ve never done anything. You are the only man I’ve kissed. You knew that when we married. You and my father made sure it was the case, and despite that you expect me to go from never having kissed a guy to spreading my legs for you. I wanted to take it slow. I wanted to get to know you so I could relax; I wanted to kiss you and do other things first before we slept together.”
Fuck, my mind went into overdrive. “Other things? What kinds of other things?”
Aria scowled and turned away. “This is useless.”
“No, don’t,” I murmured, touching her cheek and gently turning it back to me. Reluctantly, I dropped my hand. “I get it. For men, the first time isn’t a big deal, or at least it wasn’t for the men I know.” I hadn’t considered that Aria would need time to get used to a man’s touch, to my touch. I’d hoped she’d be eager and curious.
“When was your first time?” Aria asked immediately.
“I was thirteen and my father thought it was time for me to become a real man, since I’d already been initiated. ‘You can’t be a virgin and a killer.’ That’s what he said. He paid two prostitutes to spend a weekend with me and teach me everything they knew.” I still remembered the two days I’d spent in the Foxy.
Aria grimaced. “That’s horrible.”
“Yeah, I suppose it is,” I said. For me, it had been what was expected. “But I was a thirteen-year-old boy who wanted to prove himself. I was the youngest member in the New York Famiglia. I didn’t want the older men to think of me as a boy, and I felt like a big deal when the weekend was over. I doubt the prostitutes were overly impressed with my performance, but they pretended that I was the best lover they’d ever had. My father probably paid them extra for it. It took me a bit to figure out that not all women like it if you come all over their face when they give you a blow job.”
Disgust flashed across Aria’s face, and I couldn’t help but laugh, even when I hoped that she wouldn’t show the same reaction when I came in her mouth.
“Yeah…” I let a strand of her hair trail over my finger, enjoying the silky feel of it. Aria watched me with curiosity, but she didn’t pull back. “I was really worried tonight,” I admitted.
“Worried that I’d let someone have what’s yours,” Aria said. I didn’t miss the hint of vulnerability in her tone.
Had I been worried that Aria would seek out other men? Never. Aria wasn’t the type. “No, I knew, I know you are loyal. Things with the Bratva are escalating. If they got their hands on you…”
They’d hurt her. Me taking her on our wedding night, even against her will, would have been nothing compared to what they’d put her through. My stomach clenched in a mix of fury and worry.