Fragile Longing

My hairdresser touched my shoulder when I didn’t react. “I love it.” The words came out sounding harsh. I wasn’t sure I did. I wasn’t sure what I felt at all. I’d wanted to look like Fina because she’d been what everyone had admired when she’d been around, and she was dearly missed. Danilo wanted her, or at least someone who looked like her—if his dating habits were any indication. Mom, Dad, and Samuel missed Fina, too. Maybe Danilo would finally look at me and see more than the girl who hadn’t been his first choice. Still, goosebumps rose on my skin as I stared at myself. This wasn’t me, and it definitely wasn’t who I wanted to be. If it wouldn’t have taken two hours to color it back, I would have asked my hairdresser to do it right away.

Instead, I got up, paid, and went outside. My heart pounded when I caught sight of myself in the shop window. Like a Serafina ghost.

Samuel was leaning against his car, reading something on his phone. The moment he spotted me, the color drained from his face. I froze on the sidewalk a few steps from him and gingerly touched my smooth hair. Samuel straightened slowly, but the look of shock and horror remained on his face. That wasn’t exactly the reaction I’d hoped for. Surprise, yes, but this . . . this utter horror?

“What have you done?”

I shrugged, trying to play it down. I didn’t want people to make a big deal out of it. I only wanted them to realize that I wasn’t so different from Serafina, that I was also worthy. I wanted them to see me. Of course, now that I’d seen myself with blonde hair, I realized how stupid my plan had been. “I needed a change.”

“Sofia,” Samuel whispered harshly, grabbing my arm. “You—why would you want to look like . . . like Serafina?”

Tears stung my eyes, but a fierce ball of indignation and anger rose inside of me. He made it sound as if I’d sullied her memory by trying to resemble her, as if I wasn’t worthy of this look. He was part of the reason why I wanted to look like Fina, and now he played clueless. Or maybe he really didn’t realize how much he and everyone else mourned her absence and how little room they left for me.

I didn’t want a fight with Samuel, not today. “I just wanted something different.”

Samuel sighed, tearing his eyes from my hair almost painfully. He gave me a one-armed hug. He held open the door for me and we didn’t say another word until we arrived back home.

Samuel’s reaction was only the beginning. When we got home, things only became more awkward. Mom was the first to spot me, and she looked completely taken off guard. She froze on the last step of the staircase, a bunch of table napkins in her hand. She looked at Samuel, then back at me. I was sure she’d start crying, but then her face smoothed and she gave me a tight smile. Her grip on the banister was white-knuckled. “You colored your hair?”

She tried to sound casual, but I could tell it wasn’t easy for her. I’d wanted to surprise everyone, not elicit this horrified shock. Everyone had always commented on how beautiful Serafina’s hair was.

“I wanted your hair color,” I said. Of course, that wasn’t the reason. The look in my mother’s eyes told me she knew the truth.

She nodded as she walked over to me, her eyes constantly flitting to my hair as if she needed proof to believe it. She touched my hair gingerly. “Your hair was beautiful. I already miss it.”

I searched her face, wondering if she was being honest. Did she prefer me with brown hair? Or did the blonde remind her too much of Serafina and the hurtful truth that I wasn’t her?

“Where’s Anna?” I asked. Sam’s and Mom’s reaction had made me feel self-conscious. My new appearance was meant to give me a boost, not break my self-confidence down even more.

“She’s upstairs in her guestroom. Don’t forget your guests will be there at five.”

I ran up the stairs and knocked at Anna’s door. The door opened, startling me. Leonas stood in the doorway, his eyes growing wider as he looked at me. “Whoa, what happened to you?” he blurted, staring at me as if I was an alien.

I flushed but deflected it with a casual shrug. “I changed my hair. Maybe you should consider it, too.”

He rolled his eyes and tossed his hair back. “I like my hair.”

Anna stepped up behind me. One glance at me had her pushing Leonas out of her room. “Give us some privacy. Go bug Samuel.”

“Hey!” Leonas protested but Anna dragged me inside and slammed the door in his face.