Fragile Longing

Our eyes met. I could tell right away that she wasn’t a fan of my new hairstyle. That made two of us. “What did you do?” she hissed. Her gaze traced my hair, almost as if she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

I touched my hair. It didn’t feel any different than before—neither did I. “I just wanted a change,” I said defensively.

Anna looked doubtful. “I thought we promised to never lie to each other.”

We’d pinky-sworn on it when we were six, and ever since we’d always told each other the truth. Anna was my confidante. With Fina gone, she was my only one. I simply couldn’t talk about everything with Mom, much less with Dad or Samuel.

“It’s not a lie,” I muttered, then sighed. I walked over to the bed and plopped down, staring up at the ceiling. “I wanted a change, but . . .” I took a deep breath, hating to admit what had motivated me. “Everyone misses Fina so much. Since she left, there’s a huge hole in our lives. I just wanted people to notice me.”

Anna stretched out beside me, watching me. I kept my gaze ahead, embarrassed. “But you aren’t her. Even blonde hair won’t change that.”

“I know,” I said miserably. Samuel’s and Mom’s reaction had made that blatantly clear.

Anna linked our hands. “You don’t need to be her. You’re perfect the way you are. Don’t you think your parents and Samuel would miss you just the same if you were gone? Be yourself. Eventually, the gap Serafina’s disappearance left will close. Just give it time.”

Would they? Samuel and Fina had shared a special bond, which was natural.

When I didn’t say anything, Anna leaned over me, her face all I could see. “Or is this about Danilo?”

I shrugged again. If I kept it up, I’d dislocate my shoulder soon. “It’s not not about him.” I paused. “He’s still in love with Fina. I can tell how much he’s hurting because she’s gone.”

Anna shook her head and snorted. “He isn’t in love with her. He didn’t even know her. How often did they see each other? Twice a year at social functions. I bet he never saw her private side, only the official one. The one we all have to keep up for appearance’s sake. But one doesn’t resemble the other. Even if he had a crush on her, which I doubt, he had a crush on that perfect outward image she presented, not her true self. And the only thing that’s hurt is his pride, certainly not his heart.”

“Now you’re an expert on men?” I joked. Part of me thought Anna was right but Danilo’s strong emotional reaction to losing Fina worried me.

“I’m an expert on the rules in our world. Danilo wanted Fina for her status and image, nothing else.”

“But doesn’t that make things even worse? How can I compete with a perfect image? Fina’s larger than life now that she’s gone. I can’t fill in her shoes.”

“Then don’t. Don’t try to replace her. Be yourself because that’s enough.”

“But I am her replacement, at least for Danilo,” I hissed, my frustration rearing its ugly head.

Anna grimaced. “Forget about him for now. He’ll get over her. By the time the two of you get married, he’ll have forgotten about her.”

I nodded, but I wasn’t convinced. He obviously had some obsessive issues to work through. I touched my hair uncertainly. “Does it look so bad?”

“No, of course not. You look absolutely gorgeous, but you were just as gorgeous with your brown hair.”

“But you looked horrified when you first saw me.”

“Of course. Because I know why you did it. And that’s the problem. Now that you’re blonde, people will compare you even more with Fina because you gave them an opening and a reminder.”

“I didn’t see it like that. Maybe I should change it back?”

Anna considered that. “If you change it back right away, it might look as if you have something to hide. Knowing your hairdresser, your new hairstyle is probably already making the rounds in our circle.”

Anna had a point. Most women from our world went to the same hair salon, and gossip was their main occupation. “Then I’ll keep it for a while.”

Anna searched my face. “Are you sure you can deal with all the backlash? People will ask questions. You’ll have to present your new hair with confidence, or people will attack even more.”

I’d never considered myself to be lacking confidence, but things had shifted since Fina’s kidnapping. I’d felt like a bystander. “I’m just so tired of always being in the shadows. I thought if I looked more like Fina, people would finally see me.”

“Trust me, being in the spotlight isn’t all it’s made out to be. If I could choose, I’d rather be someone people didn’t watch all the time. If you’re in the light, your flaws are so much more prominent, and everyone is looking for them. Everyone is waiting for a mishap. The moment I’m surrounded by people who aren’t close family, I’m not even me anymore. I’m this perfect public version everyone expects me to be. I’m public Anna, and it’s incredibly stressful to be her. So, be happy about your place in the shadows until it lasts because once you’re married to Danilo, everyone will watch your every move.” Anna took a deep breath then grimaced. “Sorry, this wasn’t meant to become a pity party for me.”