It happened almost simultaneously.
A surging joy.
Then a crushing disappointment.
"I always do Thanksgiving with..."
"Bring Peyton. She'll have a fucking blast there. She can wear one of her ridiculous 1950s get-ups."
"Really?" she asked, and there was the joy again.
"Really," I agreed.
"This is going to be so great," she declared, moving to snuggle back on my chest, planting a kiss there.
I wasn't quite as sure.
Six years.
Six years of me pushing them away.
I didn't have any idea how it was going to go, what might come up - for them, and for me.
All I knew was I had just committed to it.
Come what may.THIRTEENLeaThe dining room had been expanded five years before.
When Scotti joined the family, bringing with her her four brothers. Then, in time, their women. And, of course, the litters of kids all the Mallick women had been popping out.
Charlie and Helen had decided that they didn't need their two-car garage, had it renovated, and made into a massive space that was practically like that of a venue hall. There were two long, custom-made tables almost from wall-to-wall - one for the kids, the other for the adults.
Fee was in the process of dragging three extra chairs in from the basement.
"Fee," Helen said, brows drawn low and together. "What are you doing? I put out enough chairs."
"Oh, oops," Fee said, making a grimace, pretending she just miscounted. As Helen shook her head and looked away, Fee's eyes met Lea's from across the room.
She saw a look she was worried about in Fee's eyes.
Hope.
God, there had been so much disappointed hope for them all over the years. Lea wasn't sure if any of them could handle any more of it.
And, well, Lea just didn't think there was much of a chance of him showing up, no matter how much she wished he would.
They needed him.
He was a ghost in the corners, haunting the room.
He was the redness to Helen's eyes that no matter how many times she smiled or laughed or made jokes could erase.
She had spent another holiday morning crying.
Lea had a feeling she was going to spend another holiday night doing the same again.
Her eyes went across the room to the three chairs, and her heart ached in her chest.
"What's that look for, baby?" Shane asked, coming up behind her, wrapping his arms around her center, leaning down to press a sweet kiss to her neck.
"What look?" she deflected, shrugging.
"That guarded, but sad look," he clarified, making her stomach churn. There wasn't much she could keep from him, not after so many years.
So she decided to go with most of the truth.
"Eli."
There was a pause, followed by his deep exhale, making her hair rustle as he pressed his chin into her shoulder.
"Yeah."
"Yeah," she agreed, nodding, her eyes going to the hauntingly empty chairs.
"Some day," he said, giving her a squeeze, before moving away to tear Jake and Joey apart. They were all Mallick. Five years, and all they did was wail on each other and tease one another. Usually, the Mallick way of parenting was pretty hands-off, believing the kids needed to learn to work things out themselves. The only reason he was stepping in was because they had knocked into the sidebar where the buffet was getting set up, complete with open flames for keeping food warm.
Jake and Joey, the twins.
Six-year-old Jason.
Their little one-year-old angel Sam.
Not one of them had ever met their uncle.
At this rate, maybe they never would.
She was getting accustomed to that knife in her gut sensation after so long, but it still pierced. Just not as bad as it did the time before.
She exhaled, trying to shake the mood, trying to get into the spirit, always wanting to keep holidays upbeat for the kids even if the adults were all struggling.
There was a sudden squeal from the window where Fee and Hunt's youngest girl, Mayla, six and a half years old, was standing inside the curtain, looking out. She had met her uncle, but would never remember.
"Mommy!" she shrieked, making Fee look over her shoulder.
"Yeah, honey?"
"There's a dog here! An ugly cute dog here!"
Fee's head snapped back, looking at the chairs, then up at Lea, smile triumphant.
Lea's eyes went to the chairs as a feeling she didn't even have a name for spread across her chest.
He was home.
Just like that, the ghosts were gone.FOURTEENAutumnIt was a beautiful house.
If ever I had wondered about how profitable loansharking was, all my questions were answered when we all pulled up in my car - because Peyton adamantly refused to try to climb up and squeeze into the tiny backseat of the cab in Eli's truck - and parked in the winding driveway.
It had to be four-thousand square feet, easily, and every inch of it cost a fortune.
"You okay?" I asked, looking over at Eli in my driver's seat, staring at the house like it might come alive to bite his head off.