It wasn't until Celen celebrated his third birthday that we went to the doctor to talk about the possibility of another.
And it had been a very firm no.
I guess I had suspected as much.
I wasn't stupid. Once I felt well enough to listen, I had Peyton read me the online pages about pre-eclampsia. I understood that the risk factors increased with each child. And it was ill-advised even when you had mild complications.
Mine were severe.
So I think a part of me had known.
Yet I felt a really strong sense of guilt as we walked out of the office.
Then I felt shitty for feeling shitty because we had Celen.
"Thank God he said it."
"What?" I asked, confused, sure I misheard him.
"Thank God he said it."
"I don't understand," I said, turning to lean against the car.
"Look," Eli exhaled, putting his hands on my hips. "I know you got to be blissfully unconscious through it, but seeing you seizing, not getting updated for forty-minutes, that was the worst time in my life. And I'm counting the six years I spent inside. I'd take six more over watching that happen again. I'd give up six years of freedom to never have to think I was about to lose you again."
My heart squeezed in my chest at that, in the conviction with which he said it.
"But all your brothers..."
"Have exactly how many kids they are supposed to have," he cut me off. "And, sweetheart, so do we."
"But you love all the kids..."
"Yes, I do. Of course I do. But loving them doesn't mean I need to have five of my own. Autumn, I never saw myself here. I never thought I would get my family back, have the love of a good woman, have any children at all. It seemed so out of the realm of possibilities for me. I am fucking thrilled with what we have. I don't need one goddamn thing more."
It was like a weight had been lifted.
Would it have been nice to have more?
Yes.
But I loved our little family.
I loved the undivided attention we could give Celen.
And he had seventeen cousins to play with. He would never feel alone or lonely.
I didn't need one goddamn thing more either.Eli - 10 years"I can't fucking do it again. I swear to shit, they're trying to kill me."
That was Hunt, sitting off the side of his couch, scrubbing his hands down his face.
Mayla was seventeen.
As the rules went, she was finally allowed to date.
So she had her first one later that night.
"We agreed to these rules," Fee reminded him, watching him with a smirk, clearly enjoying his paternal dilemma.
"Yeah, when they were all in elementary school still. When I was sure this day would never come."
"They're almost all grown up," Fee went on, purposely adding salt in an obviously open wound, clearly enjoying herself.
"Don't say that. They're little girls."
"Becca is twenty-two, living in her own apartment, likely dating..."
"Don't. Babe, you're just making it worse."
"I know. I'm evil, aren't I? And Izzy..."
"Stop."
"Izzy and her guy are going on a year now."
"You're being ridiculous," Shane said, snorting.
"Um, bro," Hunt said, looking up, shooting him a look, "Sam is gonna be a teen soon. This is you in a couple years."
"Nah, man. Sam isn't dating until I'm dead. We made a deal."
"Yeah? When was that?"
"When she was eight. But it still holds."
I laughed at that, leaning back, enjoying the struggle of a father of girls. I knew because I had been a guy that dating was different for us. I understood Hunter's freak-out, his wish for more time for the girls to just be girls.
Statistically speaking, Autumn had reasoned with me when I had brought it up earlier, girls start 'dating' much later now than most times in history. Historically, Becca would have at least three kids by now, Izzy two, and Mayla would be freshly married.
When put in that perspective, I was pretty fucking glad these girls lived in the time that they did.
Even if it meant having to listen to Hunt bitch about it being too soon for an hour while Autumn was in the other room having a talk with Mayla.
Not the sex talk, of course.
Fee was progressive. The girls got small sex talks every year as new information became appropriate.
This was a different talk.
Autumn called it a "pre-date talk" that was, apparently, about pressure, consent, safety, and her right to go as fast - or slow - as she wanted. She had given similar ones to both Becca and Izzy the day before their first dates. It was also one of the most in-demand classes she had, next to couples tantra, and the talk talk.
"You told her to carry her knife too, right?" Hunt asked as they walked out. "Right in the thigh, Mayla," he told her.
"And twist," Shane chimed in.
"Punch to the groin for good measure," Mark added.