I nod, looking away toward the bookcases to my left. “Have you spoken to the guys about the possibility of me joining?”
“I have, and they agreed that if we treated you as if you were any other member, requiring you to have the sessions, they trust me enough to make the right decision on whether it’s a good idea or not. Because they know for a fact I’d never allow you into a place that could cause you pain, even if it’s not physical. I… I just got you back to that sassy girl I first met. I don’t want to expose you to anything that might send you spiraling back to that dark place you were in,” he admits, and I realize this really is important. Especially to Neil. I shouldn’t get special treatment when it comes to this, because I need to continue on my journey to heal my past; that way I can truly enjoy the future without worrying something bad is going to happen for skipping the steps that are in place for a very good reason.
“Okay,” I concede, my face serious. “I… I really liked what happened at the restaurant yesterday. It was… exciting and… arousing. It’s confusing, the fact that I liked it so much, after being with such a controlling man and wanting nothing more than my freedom. You’d think I would hate being ordered around. That I would want to stay as far away from someone who wants to dominate me as I can. Any normal person would… I don’t know, learn from her past mistakes and lose all interest in submitting, but… not me.” I look down into my lap, trying to figure out what’s wrong with me.
“Astrid, you are a submissive. Right down to the very core of you, you are a sub. No matter what happens to you, nothing is going to change who you are deep down inside, because you are stronger than you believe. Look what you survived. Look what you went through and still came out on the other side with such an amazing, lovable, and loving personality. Your ex might’ve left scars on the outside, but he wasn’t able to touch what’s on the inside,” Neil tells me, and my breath catches.
I’m suddenly choked up, my heart fluttering in my chest. I never thought about it that way. I thought something was truly fucked up in my head that I was still turned on by the idea of a D/s relationship.
“Now, what I really want us to work on today is this obvious guilt you carry when it comes to your sister and what happened to her,” he adds, and I swallow, sinking back into the cushions, knowing I can’t avoid talking about this any longer if I want to get past everything that happened before.
I sigh and nod solemnly. “I… I was doing all right. I mean, when Twyla came and got me that night, we closed our eyes and I pointed to the map, and my finger just happened to land on this little town on the opposite side of the country. We got here, and she had a nice little chunk of savings, so we found the cheapest apartment in the safest neighborhood according to Google. Once the excitement and adrenaline settled from my sister and me being on this big adventure to escape the evil ex, that’s when I realized everything Twyla had given up for me. She was a big deal, you know. Like a big, big deal in her field, and she just… left it. Left everything. For me. Because of the stupid decisions I’d made when I was young and because I wasn’t strong enough to leave him on my own.”
I push my hair back out of my face and look toward the ceiling to keep the tears from falling where they pool in my eyes. I let out a huge sigh and then continue. “There’s nothing in this small town for a brilliant scientist. It was my stupid finger that landed us here on that stupid map, and it landed us somewhere she wouldn’t even get to do what she loved.”
“But goddess, you realize it was that stupid finger that was playing into fate’s plan, because otherwise, how else would Twyla have met Seth, the love of her life?” he asks, shaking his head, and then he lowers his voice. “How would I have met you, the love of my life?”
My chin wobbles, and I fight to stay in my seat, the urge to run into his arms completely overwhelming. But if I do that now, we won’t get through this session, and I need us to get past this. I need to find a way to get rid of this guilt.
He continues, apparently not realizing the magnitude of what he just told me. “And, Astrid, wouldn’t you have done the same thing for Twyla had the roles been reversed? And on the same side of that coin, would you have wanted her to feel guilty if something happened to you after you rescued her?”