He doesn’t care about pleasing me.
Did I? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. Especially when we played. I gravitated toward both of them, but I was more frequently looking to Reese for approval. Last night when he told me I’d earned myself a nice orgasm for calling him Daddy, my fucking eyes had welled up from the sheer relief and happiness. It’d hit me right in the gut.
Fuck.
I took one more drag, then reached over River and put out the smoke in his ashtray.
I avoided eye contact, feeling awkward and uncomfortable, and I racked my brain for a topic change. Because I was suddenly acutely aware of them watching me.
I cleared my throat. “I can’t say that I will be here until Thursday, but…can’t we compromise? I want to do a scene with you—both of you. I promise to be honest about my limits. I swear.”
River had told me he’d had the perfect session planned out for me. Given his skill sets, I was more than a little intrigued.
Okay, I was fucking desperate to find out how far he’d go. How far he’d take me.
“One question first,” Reese said. I forced myself to look over at him. He pointed toward the ashtray. “Did you put that out for my sake?”
Goddammit. I clenched my jaw and folded my arms over my chest. “Maybe. So? Don’t read into it.”
He smiled and shifted his gaze to River. “What do you say? Should we have a go with the kid today?”
Please, please, please, please.
River hummed. “I don’t know.” He side-eyed me, no doubt seeing the plea in my eyes. “Can we trust you to use your safeword if you need to?”
“Yes.” I clutched his arm, ready to beg on my knees. “I promise. I’ll be completely honest. Hell, I swear on my brothers.”
They couldn’t know just how big that was for me, but I recognized that I had to repair the damage I’d caused.
“I promise, River,” I implored. “Both of you—I swear. We can talk limits and stuff now if you want. All of it. I may not want to discuss my life outside of kink, but that’s not what you’re interested in anyway. You wanna know my limits, my likes, dislikes, and if I have any triggers. Right?”
Reese sat up and grabbed the pizza box, placing it on the ground for now. “It doesn’t work that way, I’m afraid. Not in your case.”
River inclined his head. “Most of the time, Reese and I don’t care about anything other than what you listed. Limits, triggers, and so on. But most of our previous partners didn’t make it a habit of asking Sadists to beat them without asking why.”
I sat back and chewed on my thumbnail.
“That question of yours makes it clear you’re hiding something,” Reese went on. “You’ve raised enough red flags in the community that digging for your history isn’t merely a personal interest for us—it’s something we’d feel better knowing in order to ensure safe play.” He paused. “We will push those buttons, Shay.”
He had to open that door, didn’t he?
I bit at a cuticle and couldn’t help but feel irritated. “What if it’s a limit?”
“Then we will respect that,” he replied. “We will also respectfully decline to play with you on that level.”
Fuuuuck.
As infuriating as I found him—or them—I got it. They were right. I had raised red flags, despite that it had never been my intention to gain any attention that way. I’d just phrased myself like that to weed out the good Sadists, the guys like…well, River and Reese.
Go fucking figure. Isela could not have been more wrong. She’d claimed the twins played more recklessly.
“What’ve you got to lose?” River asked, cocking his head at me. “You’re on a trajectory of your own. You’ve chosen a path that steers you away from others. Your actions have made that clear. Do you care what others might think about whatever it is you’re hiding?”
“No,” I replied quickly. “I don’t give a shit about that.”
“Then why does it matter if Reese and I found out the truth?” he continued. “Are your convictions that weak? Are you afraid we’re going to change your mind about something?”
No! Maybe! I didn’t know! “No.” I glared and gnashed my teeth. “They’re definitely not weak, and you won’t change shit.” Why was it that every time we discussed playing, everything went south? I just wanted to—fuck it. “You know what? Fine,” I bit out. “Dig for whatever the fuck you want. I know I won’t change my mind, and it doesn’t matter what you guys think. Have at it.”
God, they were fucking annoying. If I were smart, I’d get the hell out of here. Instead, I stormed off like some dramatic bitch and went into the pool so I could cool off.
The discussion was probably pointless anyway. The scenes River and Reese spoke of were nothing but fantasies that belonged in romance novels, not reality. They weren’t going to accomplish what they thought appeared simple. I wasn’t a twig. I didn’t break that easily.