Before I can figure out what to say, another message comes through.
GoodHands69: I realized I should tell you that Who Framed Roger Rabbit was my favorite movie when I was a kid. My parents had this old VHS tape, and my sister and I watched it, like, ten times one summer. Okay, I watched it way more than ten times. I’ll admit to you—and only you—that I had a serious crush on Jessica Rabbit.I laugh and roll over in bed, stretching. He can be completely random, and I had no idea he was so funny. If I don’t get back to my chemistry homework soon, I’m going to need an extra shot in my Starbucks in the morning, but how can I shut down this conversation when Kace is telling me about his favorite childhood movie and his crush on an animated sex symbol? It’s kind of sweet, actually.
ItsyBitsy123: You have a thing for busty redheads?
GoodHands69: Shh! It’s my secret weakness.My stomach floods with butterflies, and every single one of those bitches is flailing like a Harry Styles fan at a meet-and-greet. It’s too late. I’m already a lost cause. This guy is going to destroy me.
I imagine Kace relaxing in his living room, beer in hand, eyes on his laptop, smiling. That smile. Kace isn’t all that generous with his smiles, and I spent the years he was married to Amy jealous as hell that she could elicit them so easily. I want to be the one who makes him smile. The one he wants to share all his silly childhood stories with.
ItsyBitsy123: Your secret’s safe with me.
GoodHands69: What was your favorite childhood movie?
ItsyBitsy123: Nothing that unique. Disney princesses as a kid, then later, I was obsessed with Harry Potter, just like everyone else. Oh, and then the Twilight movies, because Jacob is haaawt.
GoodHands69: I thought the vampire’s name was Edward.I gape at my phone. I’m practically giddy.
ItsyBitsy123: YOU KNOW HIS NAME?
GoodHands69: I mean, my sister was obsessed, so . . . yeah. Are you going to revoke my man card?
ItsyBitsy123: Never! Real men aren’t afraid to watch Twilight. Or read it, for that matter.
GoodHands69: Hmm . . . so I guess now I need to read and find out who this Jacob is. I’m curious enough that I might.
ItsyBitsy123: Seriously? You’d do that just for me?
GoodHands69: Why not? I like to read. I have to keep myself busy when my daughter’s at her mom’s. I hate an empty house, and I can only spend so many hours renovating before my body reminds me I’m not twenty anymore.My heart tugs hard at the image of Kace keeping himself distracted when he’s home alone. Dammit. I should’ve gone over there tonight. But if I had, we’d be fooling around instead of having this conversation, and as much as I’d enjoy that, this is nice too. Better than nice. Heart-to-hearts with Kace are revelatory.
ItsyBitsy123: Do you miss being married?He doesn’t reply, and I worry I’ve crossed a line.
ItsyBitsy123: You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want.No reply. Did I screw up? Maybe he just closed down the app and went to bed.
I force myself to walk away from my computer. I change into my PJs, wash my face, and brush my teeth. When I return to my laptop, he’s replied, and it feels like Christmas morning.
GoodHands69: The truth? Yeah. I really do. I miss my wife. I miss sleeping next to her and talking about my day with her. I miss laughing together. Sometimes I feel like this divorce would’ve been easier if things had been obviously bad between us. Instead, it was like sitting outside on a sunny day and watching lightning take out your whole house. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but it was GOOD. I’m guilty of being so busy wanting that back that I forget I need to think about a future that doesn’t include her. Everyone who cares about me wants me to move on. I want that as well—and, fuck, maybe this is too much honesty—but how can I search for new love when I still don’t understand what I did wrong to ruin my marriage?My heart cracks a little. Kace never ruined his marriage, and if I had any guts at all, I would’ve made sure he understood that years ago. My fingers hover over the keyboard for a long time before I type.
ItsyBitsy123: You can’t blame yourself for the end of something that requires two committed participants. You should be proud that you were willing to fight for it, and proud that you were willing to let her go when she needed that. That’s all anyone can ask for.I reread my reply. I’m not sure it does any justice to what I so desperately want him to understand.
ItsyBitsy123: BTW, don’t ever worry about being too honest. There’s no such thing. And anyway, I like getting a look inside that big heart of yours.