“What can I do?” Savvy asks.
“Buy me some time. Tell the girls . . .” I swallow back more tears and let numbness settle over me. “Tell them as much as you need to, but tell them they can’t say anything to Kace about me being Jessica. I need to do that myself.” Somehow. “And I need somewhere to live, because I can’t look at him every day after I tell him the truth.”
She nods then lifts up my phone. “And what do you want me to tell Kace?”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Tell him I’m tired and going home.”* * *KaceI’m waiting on the patio when Stella finally gets home. I don’t want to admit how long I’ve been sitting out here or how many times I had to stop myself from texting her and asking why she was canceling on me. I just had to come check on her.
“Hey, you,” I call as she comes through the gate. She startles, then freezes as she meets my eyes. “I was worried.”
She lowers her head and stares at her feet.
“Stell? What happened? Are you okay?” When I reach her, the streaks of her tears on her cheeks glow in the light from the streetlamps. I take her face in my hands and tilt her face up to study it. “Did someone hurt you?”
Her smile is shaky and no more believable than her excuse about being too tired to come over. “Nothing so dramatic,” she whispers. “It’s been a long day.”
I smooth away her tears. “Let me come inside with you. I’ll hold you and kiss it better.”
“Kace . . .” She seems to search my face, and silence stretches between us, heavy with the words she’s not saying.
“Talk to me. Who made you cry?”
“You did,” she says, and I drop my hands like she burned me. “Not that I didn’t see it coming, but still.”
“What are you talking about?” I barely manage to give the rational part of my brain control of my mouth. “Did I hurt you? Did I say or do something?” I shake my head. “Tell me so I can fix it. Even if you never want to let me touch you again, please tell me what I did so I can make it right. I’m an idiot sometimes, but I can’t handle thinking I hurt you.”
“It’s too late for that.” She holds my gaze. “No girl wants the guy she’s been crushing on for years to think she’s just hot with no substance.”
“I never—” I snap my mouth shut when the words really register. That was how I described my relationship with Stella when I was explaining it to Itsy. No substance.
“Stella—”
“Don’t.” She looks away. “I know we had an agreement. I’m just realizing maybe I’m not cut out for casual sex.”
“What do you mean? You’re the one teaching me how to do the whole casual thing,” I say, and then I fucking hate myself, because that was the shittiest possible response. “I thought we were on the same page. I never led you on.” But she’s right. I’m treating her like a toy. And I sound like a child who’s throwing a fucking fit because I’m not getting my way. But I hate this feeling—this feeling that I’ve hurt her, that maybe I don’t deserve anything from her at all. This feeling that I’ve lost her completely.
“I can’t do this.” She swallows. “At least not with you.”* * *StellaMy phone buzzes as I walk into the pool house. After locking the door behind me, I pull it out.
Savvy: The girls have been debriefed and all understand that they’re not to say a thing to Matthews or anyone else about Itsy’s identity.
Me: Even Abbi?
Savvy: Even Abbi.
Me: Thank you, Savvy.I wonder how much Abbi knows. What will she think when she finds out I’ve been sleeping with Kace? It shouldn’t matter, but I hate feeling like maybe she was warning me off him at the bar that night. She knows her brother. She knows I’m not good enough for him.
I shove my phone back into my purse and drop it on the counter. I barely make it into the bathroom before I heave the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I heave again and again until there’s nothing left. I rinse out my mouth then climb into the tub fully clothed, turn the shower on hot, and sit there for a long time, letting the water wash away my tears and wishing it could wash my mistakes away with it.Chapter Twenty-TwoKace“It’s my party day!” Hope announces Saturday morning, running in circles around the deflated rental bounce castle I’m spreading out on the back lawn.
“You excited?” I ask, grinning at her.
“Of course! My friends are gonna be here, and Aunt Abbi and Brinley and Stella!”
I swallow hard. “I don’t know if Stella’s gonna make it, Snickerdoodle. She’s very busy with work and school.” Never mind the fact that she’s been living in our pool house for a week and hasn’t said anything to me beyond a polite hi or bye since she ended our fling last Saturday night.