I flinch. I did everything in my power to make her feel those things. I failed.
“I don’t think I would’ve done anything if it weren’t for the job. We needed the money, Kace.”
“The job gave you an excuse to do what you wanted to do, and then when Stella found out, you decided to run a smear campaign to make sure I’d never trust her.”
She swallows. “You don’t understand. I was terrified I’d lose you and Hope. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but in my mind it was a temporary transgression, and you and I would have a better life because of it.”
I drop into a chair and cradle my head in my hands. “I’ve spent years blaming myself. I couldn’t figure out where I went wrong. Why you wouldn’t let me touch you anymore, why you withdrew . . .”
“I made a mistake. A terrible mistake.” Her gentle features twist into ugly rage. “I can’t believe she told you. But you know what? She’s made mistakes too. She’s in online porn, Kace. Why do you think I’m so against her being around my daughter? That stuff never goes away. It’ll haunt her for the rest of her life.”
My head snaps up, and I hear screeching tires in my mind as I replay Amy’s words. “Online porn?”
“Yes! Oh my God, she tries to act like it’s not there, but it is. The internet is forever, as they say.”
I didn’t find out until he’d broken up with me that he’d uploaded them to all kinds of amateur porn sites.
The room tilts off balance. Itsy was so scared to tell me that secret, but she forced herself to do it because she thought it could ruin us, and she needed to know how I felt about it before we got any closer. And I made things exclusive with Stella, only to have her pull away that same night . . .
Fuck. I feel like someone just pulled back a curtain, and what I should’ve known all along is plain as day before me. Itsy . . . Stella is Itsy. Itsy is Stella. It’s so obvious that I’d laugh if it weren’t also a disaster. Why didn’t she tell me?
I close my eyes and drag a hand over my face. I told her the other woman I was seeing had shared more about herself with me and that it was a deal breaker. I didn’t specify what, but Stella knew I was talking about those videos. She knew, because she’d just confided it the night before.
I have so many questions, and I don’t understand how this happened, but it’s obvious now why she’s pushed me away. Why she knew things I’d told Itsy.
“You understand,” Amy says softly. “You deserve better than someone like that.”
“You don’t know her at all. There isn’t anyone better than Stella—not for me.” I swallow the lump of emotion in my throat. It was one thing to not understand why she was pushing me away, but it’s another entirely to know why she did. I don’t blame her a bit. “As for those videos of her? I’m disappointed you’d use something like that as ammunition.” My lips twist in disgust. “I thought you were better than that.”
Her mouth works for a minute, making her look like a fish out of water before she finally finds her words. “That was our deal. If she told you about Clint, I’d tell the world what I’d learned about her.”
“She didn’t tell me about Clint. I figured it out myself.”
She pales. “How?”
I huff out a laugh, but there’s no humor in it. “I suspected there was someone long before you moved out.” I swallow. How fucked up am I that I ignored those instincts? That I would’ve rather lived a lie than lose something that was already broken? “I was never sure, but I didn’t want to be, so I told myself I was wrong. That my suspicions were totally off-base. I didn’t want to lose you.”
“It was a mistake, and I’d never let it happen again. I just—”
“You want someone to take care of you.”
She shrugs. “Is that a crime?”
“But you don’t want me, Amy. Don’t you see the difference?”
She opens her mouth to speak then snaps it shut again.
“Be honest with me—with yourself—did you feel anything when you kissed me just now?”
“I wanted to.” Her bottom lip trembles. “I really did.”
“What do you want from me?”
Her entire face crumples as she sobs. “I want to keep my family. I want us to be okay. Please don’t hate me. Don’t keep my daughter from me.”
“Hey.” I stand and pull her into my arms. Shit. She curls into my chest, shaking. “I don’t hate you, Amy, and I’m not going to keep Hope from her mother.”
When she pulls back, her face is red and streaked with tears. “I’d hate you if you did this to me.”