“Want to do it again?” she moaned, resting above me.
I flipped her over. “Fuck yes.”
The second time lasted longer than the first. Stacey told me exactly what to do for her to get off, which felt un-fucking-believable on my cock. I tried not to picture Alex’s face but it was pointless.
When we finished, we went back to the restaurant. The boys were still playing pool, grinning like fucking idiots when they saw me walking up.
“Have a good time?” Dylan implied with raised eyebrows and a cocky smile.
Jacob laughed while looking at his phone. “Not bad, I was expecting you to last a lot less.”
They each handed Austin a twenty.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I argued, looking only at Austin.
“What? Why are you pissed at me? I’m the one that rooted for you. Hence, I’m forty dollars richer.”
I tried not to laugh as I shook my head, eyeing around the room. “Where’s Half-Pint?”
“She left after you left with Stacey, she said she didn’t feel well,” Jacob replied with a shrug, chalking up his stick. “I offered to take her home, but she said she wanted to be alone or some shit like that. I don’t know, I didn’t argue. You know how she is these days. I can’t deal with all the girly hormone shit. She texted me when she got home. That’s all that matters.”
I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling the muscles tense immediately. "Yeah," I sighed with a dry mouth and a pounding heart. I needed to get the hell out of there. I could feel the panic taking over. My skin crawled and my nerves were on edge. I knew I needed to leave before I freaked the fuck out, and the boys noticed. Stacey said she was tired and I used it as an excuse to take her home. I drove in a haze after I dropped her off, parking my truck down the road before I even noticed where I was. My feet moved of their own accord up the street and to the driveway, reaching the last porch step of our abandoned house.
My heart dropped. It shattered right then and there on the ground below me. My whole world seemed to come crashing down on me in a matter of seconds. Everything I thought I had under control, everything I wanted to believe, all of it… gone.
I saw her.
And I knew.
It wasn’t hard to put two and two together. I don’t know how she found out, but all that mattered was that she did.
My brown eyed girl sat on our blankets with her arms wrapped around her knees, hiding her face. The tiny frame that I adored so much shook uncontrollably, only heightening the deepest sobbing that escalated with each passing second. It was such an intimate moment, not to be shared with anyone, especially me. Alex didn’t cry. I watched her bawl for the first time in my life. I had never seen anyone cry like that before, and it shook me to my core, slicing me whole and making me feel like I was dying. Carving a memory that I would take to my grave.
There was no going back…
No erasing.
No do-overs.
No deleting.
What I witnessed tonight would be my purgatory. I would now close my eyes and forever see her falling apart in front of me. Shattering before my very own eyes and I found it hard to breathe.
Hard to move.
My feet were glued to the goddamn floor as she continued to weep, sob, bawl, violently sucking in air that wasn’t available. I accepted it all, each tear that fell from her face becoming pieces of me. Circulating through my veins and blood, it flowed endlessly, a river of her sadness and sorrow and of my broken promises. No beginning or ending to her cries, just an infinite current, flooding the hole where my heart should be. The shadow of her trembling petite body reflected off the walls, leaving a trail of regrets in its wake.
Mine.
Hers.
Ours.
Growing up in a small town you overheard a lot of things. People talking, stories told, town gossip. You listened a lot. You learned a lot. Tourists, townies, friends, and especially family all shared wisdom and advice that you think you will never need.
Bunch of bullshit.
They say you have that one moment in life where things could have been different, that one moment that changes the course of your life or the direction you could have taken. That one moment that could forever change you and everything you wanted to be true, everything you wanted to believe in.
One simple decision could alter your entire future.
My entire world.
I would forever remember this moment for the rest of my life. This is the moment that changed everything. This is the moment where I took another direction, another road that led me to my own demise.
My own regrets.
I should have walked in there. I should have apologized. I should have begged for her forgiveness. I should have promised that I would never hurt her again. I should have done whatever it took to make her look at me the way she had our entire lives.
But I didn’t.
I did none of those things.
Not one.
Nothing was said between us.
No words.
No actions.
I was a coward and couldn’t do it. I couldn’t see her like that. I couldn’t look into her eyes and know that I had hurt her, that I had disappointed her. That I ruined her love and lost her respect for me.
The boy who promised he would never hurt her.
The boy who swore he would always protect her.
The boy who vowed he would never let anything happen to her.
That same boy was me.
I was the reason she was bawling.
I was the reason she was hurt.
I was the reason she was broken.
She knew the truth. It had finally caught up to me. I shattered her illusion that I was hers. I ruined the one good thing I had in my life. The girl that owned my heart was bleeding out for me in a way that I had never seen before. The house was no longer our safe place.
I had brought my hurricane with me…
I couldn’t risk the possibility of losing her permanently if I walked in there and admitted my truths. She wouldn’t love me anymore, she wouldn’t look at me the same anymore, and she wouldn’t be mine anymore.
My brown eyed girl.
The girl that I had loved all of my life.
The same girl that I would love for the rest of my life.
Alexandra.
I gave her the only comfort I could in her moment of despair. I turned around and left. I walked down the stairs and got into my truck. I turned the engine on and drove my sorry ass home. I took a shower and never once looked at myself in the mirror. I pretended that nothing changed. That I didn’t cause her pain, and that she didn’t know the truth. That I didn’t see her sobbing and that she wasn’t even bawling to begin with. That we were still just best friends, and that she was my girl and I was her boy.
My Half-Pint and her Bo.
It was better than knowing…
I. Ruined. Us.
“Are you okay, honey?” Mom asked, walking into my bedroom.
“Mmm hmm,” I mumbled, lying in my bed with the covers pulled up to my chin. I hadn’t moved since I got home the night before.
“You’re not dressed, Alex.”
“I don’t feel so good.”
She felt my forehead. “You don’t feel warm.”
I shrugged. I didn’t feel like moving, I barely felt like talking.
“What happened last night? I saw your face when you came home. I heard you crying all night but I left you alone because I wanted you to have your privacy. Now tell me please.” She sat beside me, rubbing the back of my head.
“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry, Mama.”
She frowned. “Is it about Lucas?”
I slightly nodded.
“Baby—”
“Please. Please don’t make me talk about it. I don’t want to cry anymore. It is what it is.”
She sighed. “You know those boys are going to want to come check on you when they don’t see you at service today.” “I know.”
“Are you ready for that?”
I nodded again.
“I know it hurts now, Alex. Trust me, honey, I remember what it was like being your age. It’s probably one of the hardest times in a young woman’s life. Not being able to understand the emotions that you feel so deeply in your heart. It will get better. I promise you that everything happens for a reason, and one day you’ll understand what that reason is. Even if it feels like you’re dying now.”
I opened my mouth to say something.
“You’re so young. You both are,” she added, taking my will to say anything.
“Yeah…”
“I love you, Alex, and I will always be here for you. Even if you think that I will be upset with you, I am always your mama, and nothing you can ever do or say will change that. Do you understand me?”
“I do.”
She smiled. “Rest and shower. Try to eat something. I’ll keep the boys away as long as I can.”
“Okay.”
She kissed my head and left my room. I don’t know how long I stayed there, wrapped in my own cocoon. The tears were gone. I used them all. Nothing would take away what I already knew and I hated that more than anything. I’d rather not know. It was easier to pretend.
I wanted to stay there.
I got up, took a shower and dressed. Patiently waiting for the boys to arrive to give a performance of a lifetime.
Where I was his Half-Pint and he was still my Bo.
I watched them all exit Lucas’s truck from my bedroom window, my heart rapidly beating through my ears. Lucas was the last to round his truck, a bag from my favorite donut shop in his hands. He appeared the same boy as always, and I would be lying if I told you it didn’t sting that he didn’t just know. That he couldn’t feel that I was hurt.
How stupid is that?
I took a deep breath as I heard the pounding of their steps coming up to my bedroom, each one louder than the next, mimicking my heart in every way, shape, and form.
“I can do this,” I told myself, putting on a brave and casual face.
I heard a knock on my door.
“Why you knockin’ on the door?” Austin probed.
“She’s a girl, you fucking idiot,” Dylan replied annoyed.
I rolled my eyes, chuckling. It eased the pain I felt in my core. “Come in,” I called out.
Dylan walked in first followed by Austin and Jacob.
“I told you she was faking,” Jacob stated, sitting beside me, tugging me over to his side. “You cheater!”
Dylan plopped down at the foot of my bed and Austin leaned against the headboard. Lucas was nowhere to be found.
“Why’d you lie?” Jacob asked, kissing the top of my head.
“I didn’t feel well.”
“You look pretty. Girls don’t look pretty when they aren’t feelin’ well,” Dylan chimed in, looking smug and grinning.
“Girl problems,” I stated, knowing it would make them uncomfortable.
“Ugh!” Jacob backed away and leaned on my window. “Enough said.”
“Where’s Lucas?” I blurted, adjusting the tone of my voice, picking at the seams of my bedspread to avoid their eyes.
“Who the fuck knows,” Austin informed. “He was behind me.”
“It’s hot as shit outside, let’s stay here and watch movies all day. Your mom said we could order stuff on Pay Per View,” Jacob said, none of them paying me any mind.
“Half-Pint,” Dylan peered up at me through his lashes. “Want to go make us some popcorn and get us some drinks,” he requested in the softest voice.
I smiled. “Sure.”
I heard them arguing about which movie to watch as I left my room. We were watching a man movie with or without my consent. I eagerly made my way through the house, hoping that I wouldn’t run into Lucas alone. I quickly put the popcorn in the microwave, setting out two more on the counter. The boys could eat.
Everything.
“Need any help?” I startled when I heard his voice from behind me, spilling the soda on the counter.
“Shit! Sorry.” He swiftly grabbed paper towels and wiped up my spill.
I kept my gaze on the counter, serving the rest of the drinks, silently praying he couldn’t hear my heart that was pounding out of my chest. It was weird to be that nervous around him.
I didn’t like it.
“No worries,” I said, trying to keep my voice from breaking. “Where were you? You just snuck up on me.”
“I brought you some donuts.” He ignored my question and handed me the bag.
“Glazed?”
“Of course.”
I shyly smiled, still not meeting his intent gaze that was settled on my cold and distant demeanor.
Why was he looking at me like that? Maybe he always looked at me like that.
“Umm, you can help with the drinks.” I twisted the cap back on the liter and spun to check the time on the microwave.
“Alex.” He gripped my wrist, locking me in place, using my name that sounded so foreign coming out of his mouth.
I slowly met his stare. “Yeah,” I casually reacted, pretending that it hadn’t affected me as much as he saw it did.
His mouth parted wanting to say something, but nothing came out. He looked tired, and it only fueled the truth to what I knew he did last night.
With her.
I instinctively pulled my wrist from his hold. “What?”
It didn’t shock him. My reaction, and it only confused me more on what was going on between us. I couldn’t begin to recognize the look on his face. He looked sad and I didn’t understand that either, but he quickly smiled, trying to hide the fact that I noticed it.
“I love you, Alex,” he whispered like he needed me to hear it. “You know that right?”
I lowered my eyebrows, feeling somewhat uncomfortable, my stomach tossing and turning. He smiled sweetly, and I thought for a second I saw something behind his eyes, but just as fast as it appeared, it was gone.
“I know,” I simply stated.
He jerked back, hurt, that I hadn’t said it back. In that moment, I didn’t want to ease his questioning stare. I wanted him to hurt. Two wrongs don’t make a right but go tell that to someone who felt the way I did. They’d laugh in your face.
He bit his bottom lip contemplating what to say. “She’s just a girl, Half-Pint, just a fucking girl,” he breathed out, and I never wanted to punch him in the face as much as I did in that second.
I didn’t even know what to say or how to respond to that. I could see his mind reeling, debating on whether or not he should say what he thought, what he felt. I could tell that a lot weighed on his mind. I wanted to ask him, but I knew I wouldn’t get the answers I sought. It only reaffirmed what I said earlier, what I knew to be true, and over the next few years it would become like the melody of my favorite song, playing on a broken record. The boys never thought about the consequences of their actions. They acted on pure impulse. Never contemplating that it could hurt someone in its wake. And that wasn’t just Lucas.
It was all of them.
“Half-Pint,” he softly spoke.
“Stacey’s just a girl. I get it. But what does that make me, Bo? Just another girl?”
He sternly shook his head. “You know that’s not true.”
“Do I?”
He looked deep into my eyes and spoke with conviction. “You’re my brown eyed girl, you always will be. I would never hurt you intentionally. That’s the last thing I want to do, and I’m sorry if I have.”
I bowed my head not able to look into the depths of his truths any longer. It was too confusing, and I was emotionally exhausted. I didn’t want to play these games anymore, I didn’t know the rules, and I had no idea how to win. And a huge part of me hated him for that. I would have played this game until the end.
Even if it meant…
I would lose.
“I know, Bo, I love you, too,” she recited as if it caused her pain
to say it.
There was no going back. All that was left was to move forward, praying that we could get back everything we never had out of our abandoned house. This added to the unanswered questions and unsaid emotions that were placed in between us, stirring the pot for one day to boil over and scar us with wounds we may never be able to heal from.
***
The school year passed in the blink of an eye, once again summer vacation. Alex’s last summer before she entered high school with the rest of us, going into her freshman year, Austin into his sophomore year and Jacob, Dylan, and I into our junior year. Alex and I slowly but surely found our way into a new normal. We had become quite the chameleons. We still spent every second we could in our abandoned house, and over the course of a few months the same adoring look that was just for me found its way back into my presence.
I stayed away from Stacey as best as I could. Though she always found me. A fucking spider I couldn’t get away from, her webs were around me even when I wasn’t looking. Jacob was single, again, Austin still being Austin, and Dylan surprisingly still with Aubrey.
This was the summer that changed it all.
Alex was fourteen, shy of turning fifteen in a few months. Sometimes I would watch her from across the room and the mere vision of her left me breathless. She had turned into a beautiful girl, there was nothing that resembled a little girl anymore. Wearing a little bit more makeup here and there, her eyelashes appeared fake they were so damn long. Her pouty lips more enticing with the glossy shine she applied on them.
She started wearing shorts, crop tops, off the shoulder tank tops, showing more skin, belly, and legs than I wanted her too. Her hair hung long and loose down her back or those messy buns on top of her head. When we stood close together I could smell the cherry, flavor she put on her lips, and it took everything in me not to kiss her, not to claim her lips with mine.
One evening we were hanging out in her bedroom, the boys left and it was just her and I. She went to the bathroom and I don’t know what came over me, but I went into her closet and grabbed all of her new clothes, throwing them in the garbage can by her desk. She yelled at me and told me to mind my own business. She was growing up with or without my approval and that I wasn’t her daddy to tell her what she could or couldn’t wear. She’d never spoken to me like that before, and that shocked me more than anything. She kicked me out of her bedroom. The next day she wore an outfit so revealing it made me want to throw her over my shoulder, carry her home and lock her in her bedroom.