Prologue
Austin
I tied the belt tighter around my upper arm to stop the blood flow.
Squeezing my fist every few seconds to pump up my vein, it didn’t take me long to find old faithful. It never did. I leaned back against the old, dirty, mold-infested couch, faintly hearing “Mad World” by Andrew Michaels somewhere in the dark, ominous background. The lyrics immediately brought back old memories—good times, happy vibes, when in reality there was anything but fucking happiness.
This wasn't who I’d always been.
Once upon a time, I tried to find my independence, and somewhere along the way, I found solace in the haze of dependency, which was what led me to that place in time.
I didn’t bother to take in my surroundings.
It was always the same.
Familiar faces that blended together and never changed, always jonesing, always wanting, always needing, always craving.
More. More. More.
And never enough.
It wasn’t about being high anymore. The euphoric, free feeling was long gone. All that was left was the pursuit. Day after day I was pulled down the proverbial rabbit hole with nowhere to turn, always trying to escape, chasing the non-existent dragon that only led to darkness.
It was too late.
It had me.
The addiction.
A tight grasp on my soul, pushing me further and further into the black abyss. What goes up, must come down. It’s the law of physics, the code of life. I rode the high for as long as I could remember. I had been so far up that there was nowhere left for me to go but straight to the bottom. All I wanted was to drown out the feeling of my entire body caving in on me. Soothe the ache, throw fire on the chill, and ease the nausea.
The only thing I could do to feel as if I wasn’t dying was…
To kill myself a little more.
I inserted the needle, welcoming the sting. My blood rushed in, and I slowly pushed down the plunger.
I wanted it to last.
I always do.
It was the best fucking part.
I pulled the plunger back out and watched with hooded, constricted pupils as my blood swirled in once again.
Heaven and Hell. God and Satan. Love and hate. It all blended together. Forming a clusterfuck of hope and despair.
Now…
Now, I squeezed my fist.
The rush.
Tingles from my fingers traveled up my arm and then, and then…
It hits.
Simultaneously my eyes closed and my head fell back against the couch.
I don’t care that it’s dirty.
I don’t care that it smells.
I don’t care about one fucking thing.
All the misery was gone in the blink of an eye. As if it wasn’t even there to begin with. All that was left was the free, euphoric, and blissful feeling of pleasure that only this could ever bring me. My heart was full, filling in the hollow existence that was my life. The pain numbed.
Even if it was only temporary.
A few moments in time where the world faded into nothingness and I was swimming in an endless pool of possibilities. Not drowning in disappointment, judgment, and regret. Not feeling like I was dead inside, meanwhile I just killed myself a little more. I heard echoes everywhere. Colors blended together making it hard to focus on one thing. I blinked a few times and just like that…
I saw her face like I always did.
As if she was standing right in front of me.
Smiling.
Happy.
Laughing.
My whole world…
My girl.
My lips curled up slightly at the vision as I reached out for her. Wanting to touch her, needing to hold her, yearning to kiss her. Craving, God, craving to fucking love her.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured aloud to no one but the illusion of my drug-infested mind. “I’m so fucking sorry,” I repeated repentantly, longing for her to believe me.
Aching for her to love me again like she used to.
I don’t know how long I sat there, staring at her beautiful face before my eyes, subconsciously rubbing the tattooed daisy that was placed over my heart. I couldn’t take it anymore, and the desire won over the haze.
It was too powerful.
It was too vivid.
I grabbed my phone. “Baby,” I said into the speaker. The ringing quickly followed, going straight to voicemail. I hung up and tried again. “Baby,” I urged with desperation in my tone.
Still nothing.
I tried again and again and again.
I would try until the end of time if that’s what it took for her to answer.
To talk to me.
To save me.
To crave me.
Time seemed to standstill, as my life slowly played out in front of me. Trying to balance somewhere in between the light and the darkness when all I could see was gray.
“What?!” she screamed into the phone, finally answering after I don’t know how many failed attempts. “What the hell do you want now?”
“Baby.” I breathed a sigh of relief.
“What do you want, Austin? Why are you calling me? We’re over! I can’t do this anymore!”
I shut my eyes and let my mind wander, allowing it to go to another place in time where she didn’t hate me.
“I remember the first time I made you smile,” I chuckled, as if it had just happened.
My nerves were on fire. The mere sound of her breathing through the phone was too intense for me. I hadn’t spoken to her in such a long time. I licked my lips, my mouth suddenly dry.
“I remember when you used to smile just for me. Do you remember, baby? Do you remember what my love feels like?”
I heard her faintly breathing.
“Do you remember my hands on you? My lips? My tongue? The first time I made you come with my mouth? Do you remember all the times since? Tell me I’m not forgotten. Tell me you remember, baby.”
Silence.
“I love you, Briggs. I love you so fucking much. You’re killing me, don’t you see that? I’m dying without you.”
“No, Austin. You were dying with me,” she rasped, knowing that it killed her to say that.
“The first time I saw your face, I thought to myself, damn, this beautiful girl is goin’ to be the death of me. You were perfect in every way. I was a cocky son of a bitch who needed you then, as much as I need you now.”
More silence.
“I had a dream about you, baby. I always fucking dream about you. In my dream, you had a ring on your finger. A ring I put there. You belonged to me. Only mine. Forever fucking mine. You were pregnant, Briggs. You looked so goddamn happy. I saw light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in years.”
She sniffled into the phone.
“I made love to you. Slow, just the way you love. Taking my time to touch every last inch of your body. Memorizing every last bit of you. Making you come until you begged me to stop. I didn’t.”
“I can’t—” she tried to interject, but I didn’t let up.
“I kissed your stomach. Our baby. Letting my lips linger there, whispering sweet lullabies, letting her know Daddy will always be there. Baby, it was so real. For a second I gave you the one thing you so desperately wanted, the one thing I can’t seem to give you.”
“Why are—”
“After we were done, I just lay there with you and our unborn baby, both of you wrapped in my arms, the only place where you belonged. Unforgiving thoughts plagued my mind as I carefully moved you away from me, making sure not to wake you. I went into the bathroom and I got high. You found me. You always find me. Except this time… I died in your arms. You couldn’t save me, but it didn’t matter because the best part
of me was already growing inside you. When I woke up, I was alone. I’m always alone, Briggs, even when you’re near me. I can promise you the world. I can promise you a life. But even in my dreams, baby, I’m haunted.”
“Jesus Christ, Austin,” she wept. “Where are you?”
I opened my eyes, finally taking in my surroundings. As if I was being woken up from a dream within a dream. I couldn’t tell what was real or lucid. Confused by my own reality. It was then that I looked down, the needle still firmly placed in my arm.
“Where are you?” she repeated with a shaky tone.
I shook my head, trying to find some clarity. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry, baby. I love you, Briggs. I love you with everything that’s left of me.”
“Austin, where are you? Please, tell me where you are?” she whimpered, panic taking over.
I took a deep breath and murmured, “The place I hate.”
Once again…
Pushing in the syringe.
Briggs
I drove with my heart in my throat like every other goddamn time before this.
I hated him.
I loved him.
I love him.
I slammed on my brakes, shoving my door open before my car was even fully shifted into park. The stench of the drug den immediately assaulted my senses, making me sick to my stomach that he was there.
I ran through the abandoned warehouse that he had told me about so many damn times on my voicemail. Ignoring the random junkies that were hollering at me, pleading for more drugs, begging for another hit. I tried my best to sideswipe the filth, piss, shit, and garbage all around me. I sprinted past the graffiti walls, covering my nose and mouth, trying like hell not to inhale the mold-contaminated air and decay that had taken over the shithole. Piles of trash surrounded the dirty mattresses and chairs, infested with rats and ghostlike junkies that appeared dead but could have been alive. I knew where I would find him. He always called from the same spot, leaving me voicemail after voicemail. Describing the back of the warehouse that looked over the harbor.
I turned the corner, and saw him. My once favorite maroon beanie placed securely on his head. I couldn’t control my emotions.
I hated him in that second.
I despised the love I still had for him in my broken, fucked-up heart in that moment.
I slowed down as I got closer, my calculated steps slow and precise. I wanted to face him. I wanted to look into his eyes like I had done so many damn times before, even though I knew there wouldn’t be anything but a hollow existence. A shell of the man I once knew gazing back at me.