To feel like I was finally home.
“Honey, I need you to go into your bedroom. You need to go into your bedroom and lock the door, okay? You don’t come out until I tell you to. Do you understand?”
“Why, Momma? I want to finish watching the movie and Dad just got home.”
We heard his car pull into the garage and her face immediately panicked.
“You just need to listen to me, it’s late. You need to go,” she ordered, patting my butt.
I looked over at the time and it read 1:00 AM. The garage door slammed open, knocking some pictures off the wall and making my mom and I jump.
“Where the fuck… are… my kids?” Dad slurred, walking funny into the living room.
“Hey, honey, I was just about to get Devon into bed.” She grabbed my hand and placed me behind her. She was doing that a lot more often. I peeked over on the side but still kept my body safely placed behind her legs.
“What the fuck is he doing up this late?”
“He wanted to finish watching the movie.”
“You’re a horrible fucking mother letting him stay up this late. I can’t trust you with anything, you stupid bitch!” he yelled, stumbling and placing his gun on the table.
I looked right at it with wide eyes. He wasn’t supposed to do that; Mom said he needed to keep his gun in a higher place, away from my sisters so we couldn’t reach it. But I promised her that I would never touch it.
“You like that, son?” he asked, catching me staring at it. “Maybe you will turn out to be something. Come here.”
I looked up at Mom and her face was sad and afraid. She always had the same face when Dad was around; she wasn’t the same mom with him in the house.
“I. Said. Come. Here.”
“Honey, he needs to go to sleep. Let me make you some coffee,” she coaxed, gripping on to my shoulders.
“Did I say I needed coffee? No, I didn’t! Now if he doesn’t come to me, I’m going to go get him, and trust me, you don’t want that to happen.”
I didn’t like the sound of his voice, but I moved away from her before she could reply and stepped closer to him.
“That gun, son,” he said, moving his head toward it, “carries so much power. You have no idea how much control and power you have with that simple weapon. I want you to pick it up and point it at your mother. Do you understand?”
“Rick…” she murmured.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’m sick of hearing your goddamn voice. I am having a man-to-man chat with my son and if you know what’s good for you, you will shut the fuck up.”
I shook my head no, but he cocked his head to the side with a vindictive look on his face. “Are you saying no to me?”
“Dad, I don’t want to,” I wallowed, trying to hold back the tears.
“Grab the fucking gun, Devon, NOW!” he yelled.
He was going to wake my sisters up, so I did as I was told and grabbed the gun by the handle. It was heavy and felt cold. I wanted to place it back down on the table, but he must have sensed my hesitation because he moved closer to me and wrapped my hand around the gun, the way it’s supposed to be held he said. I hated the feeling and wanted to scream and run, but I knew if I did, it would be worse for my mom. I didn’t want him to hurt her anymore; I was tired of seeing him hurt her. She never did anything to deserve it.
I learned that if I cried when I saw him hurt her, it only turned out to be worse for her. He had no mercy and he would laugh and only hit her harder. He said she deserved it and he would call her all sorts of names. Some I understood and others I didn’t. I could tell by the tone of his voice that they weren’t nice and that she hated it, but she never said anything. She always took it and I never understood why.
“Now...” he yelled, breaking me from my thoughts and kneeling down to my level, grabbing my shoulders. “Turn around and point it at your mom.”
I shook my head again. “Please, Daddy, I don’t want to… please,” I wept. I couldn’t control my tears any longer and they flowed loosely down my face. I could taste them in my mouth and it was hard for me to see.
“Son, men don’t cry. You’re a man and men are strong; they’re powerful and they can do whatever the fuck they please. You will grow up to be just like me. Just like your father… that I can promise you.”
I didn’t want to grow up and be like him. I didn’t want to be anything like the man kneeling before me. He was malicious and evil. I hated him and in that moment, at nine years old, I learned the feeling of the word and never once looked at him again with love or adoration.
He was nothing to me, only the man that hurt my mom, and made her cry.
“Turn around and point the gun at your mother.”
I closed my eyes, praying that it would all go away. I silently prayed to God that he wouldn’t make me do this. That he would stop time or that this was just a bad dream. That it wasn’t real. But when I turned to face my mother and he ordered me to open my eyes and point the gun at her heart, I learned that there was no God, or that he didn’t listen or care about me and my family.
He didn’t exist in our home… there was only hell because if He had existed, I would have never had to pull the trigger.
“When you aim a gun at someone,” he whispered in my ear from behind me, loud enough for her to hear, “you aim to kill. You aim at the heart or you aim at the head, nowhere else,” he paused to let his words sink in, and my mom’s face would forever haunt my dreams. She didn’t look sad or terrified… nothing of what I imagined. She looked relieved; like I was about to take her away from somewhere she didn’t want to be. As if I were setting her free. Letting her go.
I didn’t want her to leave… what would happen to us if she were gone?
“No, Dad!” I screamed not caring about the repercussions. “Please don’t make me do this, please, Dad, please,” I mercifully begged.
“DO. IT!” he shouted louder.
My crying and his screams must have been loud because Lauren came out in her Disney pajamas, wiping away sleep from her eyes and my mother’s face froze. I heard Alexis, my baby sister, who had just turned one, screaming so loud from her crib and it was a piercing sound that made me feel like my ears were bleeding.
“Please, Rick, please don’t do this… have mercy… God… please don’t do this…” she pleaded, coming out of the daze she was in seconds before.
He roughly grabbed my hand and pointed it for me. “Pull the fucking trigger,” he threatened.
“Daddy!” Lauren screamed, running over to my mom and holding onto her legs.
“Rick! Stop this… please, Jesus Christ, you’re scaring the kids!”
“I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to,” I repeated over and over again.
“Pull the fucking trigger, Devon. I swear if you don’t do it I’ll hurt your sister; Lauren will pay for your mistakes. Now be a man and pull the trigger.”
It was my baby sister or my mom…
I shook my head, closed my eyes, and begged for forgiveness. God save my soul…
Click, I heard.
His laughing is what made me open my eyes, his head was rolling all around from laughing so hard and Mom was holding onto Lauren so tight. I had never seen her so frightened and relieved at the same time.
I was crying, petrified, and felt like I was going to hell. Somehow, I didn’t think it mattered anymore… because I knew from that day forward; I would be living in it every day. Nothing was ever going to be the same.
For any of us.
“I’m sorry, Momma, I’m so sorry,” I openly bawled, barely containing my shaking body and voice.
And the next thing I knew, he backhanded me across the face so hard that I flew across the room. I hit the floor with thud and immediately hurt all over.
“You little shit, not only do you pull the trigger you fucking apologize after you do? What kind of fucking man are you?”
My head was throbbing and the room was spinning. It was the first time he
had ever hit me and I knew it wouldn’t be the last.
It was just the beginning.
I felt my mom’s arms around me and I took in her comfort, her warmth, and her love. I soaked it up like it was the last thing that I would do, while I cried in her lap apologizing repeatedly.
“It’s otay, Devon, Momma loves you, she mates it otay, don’t cry, I sorry,” Lauren soothed.
“It’s okay, baby, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m going to make it up to you, I promise,” Mom proclaimed, rocking me back and forth, holding onto me so tightly that I could barely breathe, but I didn’t care. I wanted her to hide me, to take away the pain and loss I felt for my life.
My innocence.
“Goddamn it, Jasmine, you’re making him such a fucking pussy, you stupid, worthless, piece of shit!”
He crudely grabbed her by the hair, making Lauren scream. “No, Daddy, stop it, stop it.” She grabbed onto my mom’s leg, pulling her away from him and I placed my hands over my ears, wanting it to go away. To take me away…
“STOP IT!” I screamed, gasping for air, sitting straight up in my bed. I was sweating profusely, my mind disoriented, and my bed soaked. I couldn’t tell the difference between my dream and reality. I was shaking all over and I couldn’t catch my breath.
I was terrified, just like when I was a kid. I couldn’t stand being asleep and now I couldn’t stand being awake. It was too much; it was too real. I was right back in that room with him. Right back to praying and hoping and wanting it to go away, feeling helpless and alone.
Always alone.
“Fuck… fuck… fuck… fuck…” I panted, jumping out of bed with my skin crawling and my head pounding. I covered my head with my hands, trying desperately to block the images, one by one, hitting me one right after the other. I slid down my wall, shielding my mind with my arms and body and crawling into a tight ball on the floor.
“Oh my God, Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry… Mom… I’m so sorry…” I said endlessly, knowing that I was by myself and it was a nightmare.
But it wasn’t just a nightmare…
It was a memory.
I couldn’t keep running away from them.
Because they always found me.
“You’re that Stevens?” Madam questioned with a neutral gaze.
I had been with VIP for two weeks. I had yet to be with a client, but I had been primed and pampered. My hair was cut into layers, framing my face, but the length was still down to my waist. My hair shined, bright and blond all over. I was waxed everywhere, leaving only hair on my head and my eyebrows. My wardrobe was designer and couture everything and I was moved into a condo downtown.
I saw her doctor and was tested for everything under the sun. A check-up for nearly everything and some things I had never even heard of. I didn’t want my family to know what I was doing so I was still attending college. My life outside of VIP remained the same.
She gave me a brand new Porsche, jewelry, and makeup galore. Madam said my looks resembled something out of Vogue magazine and there wasn’t much need for a makeover. She called me her treasured jewel.
I had been spending a lot of time with her and she told me I would be one of her favorites. At times, she felt like a mother to me, and then there were times like this one, where she scared the shit out of me. She had called me into her office; she said we needed to have a meeting and talk. I didn’t have the slightest idea as to what she wanted to discuss.
Until now.
“I—”
“That wasn’t a question,” she interrupted, lifting a finger in front of her.
I sat in the same chair that I did when I first officially met her, except this encounter was much different.
“Am I fired?” I asked with my hands in my lap and my head bowed. I hated feeling like I had disappointed her. As if I was a small child in trouble and being reprimanded.
She laughed and that made me look up at her, catching her head falling back from the momentum.
“Really? For lying? No, Brooke baby, you’re not fired for lying… it’s actually a prerequisite that I need from my girls; the capability to lie. See…” she whispered, leaning herself closer to me over her desk, “I’m a liar, too. But the difference between you lying to everyone and then lying to me is that I always know the truth. So think twice, maybe even three times before you lie to me again. Do you understand me?”
I nodded, not knowing how to respond.
“Good. Now, back to your father. He’s been a client of VIP for a very long time. I’ve actually even met your mother…”
My mother?
“Don’t look so surprised. Daddy is allowed to play… Brooke baby, so if you’re here for some vengeance for your mother, she doesn’t need it. She knows exactly what he does, she’s fully aware of the lifestyle he leads when she’s not around. I’ve even asked her if she wanted to participate, I do share, as you will personally find out.”
“My mother would never—”
“Your mother would never what?” she interjected, folding her arms over her chest and leaning back in her chair. “First rule of life, darling, is never say never. That’s your first mistake, your second is to never underestimate the power of pussy, especially Very Important Pussy.” She raised an eyebrow. “Now… I’ll ask you again. Are you here because you want to be or because you’re some sort of vigilante? I have no room for drama in my life. This establishment is a well-known, respected business; it’s not some sorority seeking attention and problems. Usually, I know what my VIPs want, but since you came to me, it’s a little different. VIPs are born, not made. I seek you out, and since this scenario is the other way around, I had to take matters into my own hands. Did you think I wouldn’t find out who you were? Do you think I’m that fucking stupid? Let’s start there, shall we?”
“My father has another family,” I blurted out. I had never told anyone that. The only person that knew was Landon. “I have other siblings that I’ve never even met or spoken to. My parents don’t even know that I know.”
She leaned forward on her desk with a sinister smile. “I see. Now what makes you think they don’t know?”
“They’ve never said anything. Nothing has changed since I found out.”
“Tsk… tsk… tsk… you have so much to learn. Just because it isn’t discussed, doesn’t mean it’s not known. I’m sure, I’m actually quite fucking positive that they are aware that you know. It’s much easier to sweep it under the rug like your father does with your mother’s feelings.”
I jerked back.
She shook her head and grinned. “You need to have much thicker skin than what you’re displaying, darling. If you give people a chance to even see vulnerability, they have you. Not because you want them to, it’s because you have allowed them to see inside your soul. You have given them a glimpse of your humanity and by that… I mean your mind. You never display what you’re feeling because, at the end of the day, it’s yours. And no one can take that away from you… unless you let them.”
I licked my lips in anxiety and anticipation.
She stood and walked over to me. “You remind me a lot of myself when I was your age. I didn’t always know the rules of how to play the game, but I did know which ones to follow and which ones…” She smiled. “…To sweep under the rug.”
“I understand.”
“No, you don’t… but you will. Just make sure you’re here for the right reasons, Brooke baby, because even if you don’t know”—she paused to let her words sink in—“I will.”
“I didn’t mean to lie to you, I just didn’t think—”
“I’d find out? Let me ask you again… do you think I’m fucking stupid?”
“Of course not.”
“Would you have told me? If I hadn’t brought it up, would you have said something?”
“I don’t know…”
She rolled her eyes. “You’re also a terrible fucking liar. Now I definitely know your parents are aware
of the truth you so badly try to hide. What if Daddy wanted to play one night? Huh? And I set him up with you? How do you think that would have gone, darling?”
“I didn’t think about that.”
“Obviously.” She leaned against her desk, placing one leg over the other and unbuttoning her suit jacket.
She sighed. “I don’t want to start off on the wrong foot. I know you have so much fucking potential to become everything you want. Everything I already know you are. But don’t for one second think that you can run away from your daddy issues. I won’t have it. And I honestly don’t fucking care. You’re going to learn that men fuck. They fuck with their cocks, their mouths, and fingers. They even fuck you with their fists and feet, if you let them. They give you jewelry, money, and trips around the world; they’ll even buy you an island… just because they can. They want to prove to you that you’re worth something and you are. You’re worth the world, Brooke. But if you think that you’re going to find love and live happily ever after, then you’re in the wrong place. And there’s the door behind you. My VIPs sell their pussy and see the world. Do you understand me?”
I nodded.
“Good.”
“I’m sorry that I lied.”
She cocked her head to the side with a snide smile. “You didn’t lie, Brooke baby, you beheld the truth and in my book, that’s not lying, that’s survival. I’m assuming that Mommy and Daddy don’t know what you’re up to, hmmm? Seeing as you’re still in school.”
“Yes.”
“And I’m also safe to assume that you would like to keep it that way?” She shook her head. “I’m just trying to line up all my VIPs, you understand?”
“I do. And no… I would not like them to find out.”
She sucked in her bottom lip and then slowly pulled it out with her top teeth skimming it. “Now why is that? The truth, Brooke, no bullshit.”
“The truth… I’m doing this for me. Not them. My life is separate from my families. I don’t want their say or approval in what I do, since they never asked for mine in what they do,” I honestly declared.