I didn’t have time for him if he was going to hide when he had an emotion. There were so many other things I needed to handle. I couldn’t be expected to drag him into accepting his feelings, too.35VinceThe truck door slamming behind Lindsey was like an explosion, and for a second, I could barely think. I couldn’t believe that just happened. It was my fault we hadn’t spoken in weeks, but I didn’t expect our first conversation to be like that. It wasn’t supposed to force a mirror in front of my face to make me recognize the fault that lay in my lap.
The thing was, Lindsey was right. As much as I didn’t want to hear it and even more didn’t want to acknowledge it, what she said just before storming out of the truck and leaving me behind was absolutely accurate. I was being ridiculous. Almost forty years old, I was still acting like a scared teenager. It was an absurd excuse, and she had called me out on it.
It was exactly what I deserved. I spent the last couple of weeks acting like a victim, pouting and hiding because I couldn’t deal with my feelings. If any of my brothers or friends told me they had feelings for a woman and were trying to avoid her so they didn’t have to admit to them, I would have told them they were being a complete ass. They wouldn’t have heard the end of it until they manned up.
Which was exactly what I needed to do. Somehow, I needed to fix this with Lindsey. I needed her to understand how much I really cared about her and what an important part of my life she had become. If I didn’t figure out a way to apologize to her now and make her understand, I would lose any opportunity I might have ever had to really be with her.
Not to mention Nick would kill me. Because I knew for certain she was probably already on the phone with my brother. That was something I never took into consideration when I was coming to terms with my feelings for her. I always recognized she was my brother’s best friend and that it could get awkward. I even thought about how a messy breakup could affect our relationship because he wouldn’t know whose side to take.
What I didn’t think about was that if things went poorly between us, he could make my life a living hell.
So far, he had been diplomatic about the whole thing. There were a couple of times when he asked me what was going on or made pointed comments about not seeing me up at the bar or with Lindsey lately. A couple of times he mentioned her and asked leading questions like he was trying to get me to admit something.
I never said anything because I didn’t know what Lindsey might have said to him. Getting him involved in my relationship, or lack thereof, wasn’t something I wanted to do. It was hard enough facing my own stupidity. It was even harder thinking about having to humble myself to Lindsey and hope she would accept my apology. Throwing in my younger brother’s looks of judgment and disdain coupled with the distinct possibility when he got over being pissed at me, he would make fun of me for life wasn’t a prospect I was looking forward to.
But I would do it for Lindsey. Whatever it took, I was going to do. I might have been terrified of my feelings before and looked for excuses not to trust her or to avoid the relationship. I couldn’t do that anymore. What I felt for her every time I looked at her was far too strong to just ignore. It was worth being unsure and having to take a leap of faith. I just needed to take that leap.
Once I was ready, I headed to the florist I used to order flowers for the women in my family and our receptionist for things like birthdays and holidays. They could create something special and beautiful for Lindsey. If nothing else, I learned from my father that apology flowers are a very real thing.
Standing there among all the different types of blooms, I realized there was still so much about this woman I didn’t know. I adored her, might have even been getting close to loving her, but there were still discoveries to make about her. Things as simple as her favorite Halloween candy or Christmas traditions she still had. The only reason I knew her favorite flowers was because I’d seen Nick give them to her before. It occurred to me then that I needed to focus not on what had happened to Lindsey, but who she was now.
I had been so focused on elements of her past that really didn’t affect me, I had lost sight of what did. And that was just Lindsey. She had given me all the information I really needed to know. I had met her son and been there with her through some of her hardest moments. Of course, I would have liked to have known everything sooner or have heard it from her. But that wasn’t enough to lose my trust in her completely, or to throw away what we had. And especially what we could have.