That’s where I was sitting, staring down at the third pregnancy test I had taken. And the third positive result I had gotten. I was still struggling to wrap my brain around it. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
I was pregnant with Mason’s child. Again.
Everything was going so well between us, but there was no way he was going to accept this. Not after last time and everything we went through. Us, our families, and our friends. And what if it happened again? What if I built this up and told him I was carrying his baby again, only to have another miscarriage? I didn’t think we could cope our way through losing another baby.
It was brutal the first time, and there were many times I thought I would never get over it. Having to face that again was unimaginable.
I was a complete mess. So worried and confused I couldn’t even think straight, I didn’t know what to do. I sat there, staring at the test and its result, hoping something would come to mind. That I would figure out what I was supposed to do.
The only thing I did know was that I couldn’t deal with it completely by myself right then. I couldn’t hold on to the news and try to figure out how to deal with it totally on my own. I needed to talk about it, to let it out and I have somebody there to hear it.
Putting a test on the counter, I headed into the bedroom to get my phone so I could call Stephanie. For all her pomp and circumstance, and occasional flailing, Stephanie was strong and clear-headed. She would be the one to stay calm and be able to talk me through this. She would also be the one to tell me the decision in front of me was one I had to make, and that she would be there for me no matter what.
But before I could dial her number, I heard a knock on my front door. Throwing my bathrobe on, I went to the door and looked through the peephole. My stomach sank when I saw Mason standing there.
“Ava?” he said. “I’ve been trying to call you. Can I come in?”
“Just a second,” I said.
I ran to hide the tests, then went back to the door and answered it. He looked hesitant as he stepped inside. I was expecting a kiss, but he just leaned against me, wrapping his arms around me in what was close to a hug, but not quite. He could sense there was something wrong. I couldn’t let him now. Not yet. I had to figure this whole thing out for myself before I opened up to him.
“Are you feeling better?” he asked. “Did getting rest and fluids help you at all?”
“I think so,” I said.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
I couldn’t really blame him for that. I was pretty sure I looked like crap. At least, I did when I looked in the mirror of the bathroom. Since that was less than five minutes before, I couldn’t imagine there had been a miraculous transformation.
I glared at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s just that you still look like you feel sick,” he said. “I don’t want you pushing yourself too hard or acting like you’re all the way better when you’re not.” He held up the bag in his hand. “I brought you the crackers and Gatorade. Would you like some?”
I let out a sigh and turned around to head into the living room and flop down onto the couch. “Sure.”
He went into the kitchen and came back a few seconds later with a plate scattered with saltine crackers and three bottles of the sports drink. They were all different flavors.
“I didn’t know which one you would want. I remember when we were younger, you liked the blue ones, but I didn’t know if that was still the same,” he said.
I nodded and reached for the blue drink. “It is. Thank you. I really appreciate you helping me. I really do feel a little better. I just didn’t sleep well.”
Mason lowered himself slowly to the couch beside me. He reached over and rested his hand over mine, tucking his fingers around mine to hold them comfortingly. “Ava, do you think you could be…”
The question made my heart jump and my stomach flip over. I immediately shook my head, maybe a touch too adamantly.
“No. No, that’s not it. I’m not. It’s just food poisoning. I think maybe we should call that restaurant we ate at last night and let them know. That way at least our bases are covered,” I said.
I had a bit of guilt for lying to him, but it was like I couldn’t help myself. The lies just came tumbling out of my mouth without me being able to think of all the way through. I couldn’t tell Mason. At least not yet. I needed to be able to really process it for myself and figure out how I felt about it and what I wanted to do before I brought him into it.