Still, things had never been the same between Jade and I since Amber committed suicide. We hadn’t made love yet. I also didn’t like talking about that day with Jade. Whenever she brought it up, I changed the topic. Part of me knew she hated that. But she was so loving, she always left it alone.
Where would my mind be without Jade’s presence?
Days passed and she never pushed the topic. Instead, she remained my comfort—a welcoming source of light in such a dark time.
Regardless of the lack of sex, our intimacy continued to grow. Every night, I held her close to me. We kissed in the mornings. She cooked and I decorated the space in lit candles and played music. Many evenings we bathed together in my massive tub. Although my cock always grew hard, I just washed her, slipping a wet cloth down her curvy body. I relished in the moment and simply enjoyed her presence. And she never questioned me about the lack of sex. Somehow she understood that I needed time.
But I knew that this lacking couldn’t continue.
She deserved more. I must get it together. We can’t continue like this.
Today—a month after Amber’s suicide—I sat in my office and stared at the man on the screen. Ross had given me his information and swore by his techniques. Although he was a certified psychiatrist, he preferred to be called a mental health guide.
This better work.
“And Jade and you have not had sex?” The therapist asked.
“No. We haven’t.”
“Why not?”
“Sometimes when I begin kissing Jade, blood appears.” I sighed, feeling insane for saying this out loud for the first time ever. “But that stopped a week ago as well as the nightmares.”
“Good.”
“But I still feel. . .”
“Guilty?”
“Yes.”
He knitted his hands and studied me. “Every year in the United States, there are over 45,000 people that commit suicide.”
I closed my eyes.
“What you have to understand, Mr. Patel, is that these people leave suicide survivors— people who are left with their grief and struggle to understand why it happened.”
I opened my eyes. “I don’t understand why Amber didn’t just get on the plane.”
“From what you tell me, she battled depression all her life and had a serious drug addiction. I’m sure there are more issues, being that she found her mother dead at a young age.”
I cleared my throat. “I know, but I can’t—”
“Grieving is always difficult. When it deals with suicide, it becomes more complex and traumatic. Add the fact that Amber’s suicide was sudden, violent, and unexpected.”
“But why the nightmares and blood?”
“These earlier weeks, you had recurring thoughts of the death and its circumstances. You were replaying the final moments over and over in an effort to understand or simply because you can't get the thoughts out of your head.”
“I don’t want to think about it anymore.”
“But you do want to understand it?”
“In some ways.”
“You can’t. There will never be any understanding. You must come to grips with that realization.”
I sighed.
“And you must understand that Jade and you may have been traumatized from this—”
“Are you saying that we have post-traumatic stress disorder?”
“Perhaps. I would like to talk to Jade on her own too.”
“I’ll ask her if she wants to do teletherapy sessions.”
“Good idea. Individual counseling will be beneficial to both of you.”
“I was hoping these two sessions would be enough.”
The doctor smiled. “You will tell me when it is enough.”
“So, far this has helped.” I shrugged. “My libido is returning.”
The doctor’s smile widened. “That is good to hear. You must go back to enjoying your life. Sex is a part of that enjoyment.”
“Jade is special. She’s been my foundation through all of this. I don’t want to. . .lose control or. . .take advantage of her body—”
“This is more guilt.”
“I know this is stupid.”
“You’re blaming yourself for Amber’s suicide and then hoping you won’t make those same mistakes again, resulting in Jade taking her life.”
I ran my fingers through my hair.
“It was not your fault, Kamal. And Jade is not Amber. This is a different relationship.”
“You’re right.” I nodded.
“Remember that.”
“I will.”
“Kamal.” The doctor gave me an intense look.
“Yes?”
“Go have sex with her.”
I chuckled. “What?”
“Go ahead. You deserve it. You definitely want to.” He gave me a sad smile. “Do you love Jade?”
“Yes, although I haven’t told her yet.”
“Tell her, and then make love to her with every inch of what you have those pants.”
I quirked my brows. “I see why Ross likes you.”
“I’m a bit crass, but I get the job done.” He scribbled some notes on his pad. “I will be here for you as long as you like. And let me make my job clear to you.”
“Okay.”
“I am going to be a constant reminder to you, Kamal. Here we go.” He leaned toward the screen. “You are not responsible for Amber’s suicide in any way, shape, or form.”
I swallowed.