“You should have seen his face,” I sobbed. “He believed him. He thinks I used him the way he’s been used all his life. He looked at me as if he hated me, Karen!”
“He’s upset. He’ll come around.”
“No! He’s gone!” I indicated the painting. “He did that then he left! His cellphone is off, and he and Elliott are gone!”
She got up and examined the painting, shaking her head. “Coward,” she muttered.
“Don’t,” I pleaded. “Don’t call him names.”
“How can you defend him?”
“Because he’s hurt! He’s out there alone, thinking everything between us was a lie!” My voice rose, panicked. “I don’t know where to find him!”
“I don’t know why you want to after the way he behaved today.”
I stood up, shouting now. “Because I love him! And now, once again, he thinks he isn’t worthy of being loved. Jared’s stunt only proved to him he’d been right along! Can’t you see that, Karen?”
She stared at me, gaping. I didn’t think she’d ever heard me raise my voice in anger.
My legs gave out and I fell back to the sofa. I stared at her beseechingly. “Don’t you understand? He’s alone, in pain, and I can’t reach him. I can’t hold him and let him feel how much I love him.” I wiped the tears off my face. “I don’t think I’ll ever have the chance to do that again.”
“Maybe he’ll calm down and reach out to you. Maybe he’ll think it over and come back in a few days.”
I shook my head. “He doesn’t give second chances—ever. He told me that on more than one occasion.” I drew in a shallow gulp of air. My chest felt so heavy I couldn’t get in enough oxygen. “Jared did such a good job; Zachary will never believe anything else now. He won’t come back here for a long time—if ever. He’ll never give me another chance”—my voice dropped to a whisper—“or maybe even another thought.”
I walked to the window, looking at the bluff. Squinting, I could make out the shape of the house, its lines barely discernable in the dark. There were no lights blazing in the studio, no one moving around the rooms, or quiet music playing. The house looked dead—it was as empty as my heart.
“And yet you forgive him.”
I turned to look at her. “He has a whole life of pain and rejection to draw from. Of course his first instinct would be to believe he’d been deceived again. Used again. We’d only just started, Karen. He still questioned why I would love him. He never got the chance to know how deep that love went. We never got the chance to stand the test of time. I have the luxury of knowing he loved me, that what we had was real—he thinks my love was a lie.”
My chest tightened; the simple act of breathing causing me pain. “We argued the other day over those stupid pictures I downloaded. It planted a seed of doubt—or maybe added to the doubt he already felt. Then I practically insisted we go into town today. I was so excited about giving him a gift, I begged him to come with me, even though he didn’t want to. I can only imagine how all the pieces fell together in his head once Jared started spewing his lies and the reporters descended.” My head fell back against the glass as I met her concerned eyes. “How easy it was for him to believe I betrayed him.”
Karen rubbed my arm in what she meant to be a soothing gesture. Except, there was no soothing me. My body felt like a live wire, burning and snapping in waves of shock. “What are you going to do now?”
Turning back to the window, I stared into the night.
“The one thing I can do,” I whispered. “Keep breathing.”* * *The sun rose, lighting the sand and water around me as I walked up and down the beach in constant motion. I hadn’t slept all night—every time I closed my eyes, I’d see Zachary’s face and the dead look in his eyes as he glared at me. Feel the waves of anger when he turned and left. Nausea would run through me and I’d have to sit up, waiting for it to pass. Finally, I had given up, and Dixie and I had gone down to the beach. More than once, I ended up at the bottom of his beach stairs, staring up at his house. I prayed for some miracle, wanting him to appear at the top of the steps and tell me he had panicked, but came back.
Of course it never happened, so I’d call Dixie from her exploration of the deck and we’d walk away. Her soft whines told me she was as sad over not finding Elliott there as I was over missing Zachary. I scratched behind her ears. “Sorry, girl. We’re on our own again.”