“Talked about what happened with Jimmy and Sal?” he asks, eyes narrowing slightly.
“I have,” I affirm.
“It’s more than just talking about what happened,” he says with a pointed look. “It’s about really understanding what happened.”
My chest burns as I reply slowly, “I understand.”
“Do you?” he challenges me.
“Of course I do.”
Kynan moves in a step closer. “Then why is it still holding you back?”
My frown is instantaneous and deep. “What do you mean? Since I’ve been back, my work has been impeccable.”
“I’m not talking about your work,” Kynan replies with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I’m talking about you still believing deep in here—” he taps the center of my chest, “—that you did something wrong. That you somehow got Jimmy and Sal killed.”
“I thought my conversations with Corinne were confidential,” I snarl, feeling immensely betrayed.
“They are,” Kynan replies with a soft voice. “But Anna came to see me just a bit ago, wanting to know about what happened to Jimmy. It appears you told her that it was your fault.”
Well, shit. That means he must have some inkling that there’s something going on between Anna and me, and I sure as shit don’t want to get her in trouble. “We’re just friends—”
“Yeah, yeah,” Kynan cuts me off. “Could see that with my own eyes, but clearly there’s the potential for more—”
“I would never take advantage of her,” I assure him quickly.
At this, Kynan jerks his chin in, blinking in confusion. “I don’t think that.”
“Whatever you think this is,” I rush on to take Anna out of the line of fire, “she has nothing to do with it. It’s all on me.”
Kynan appears slightly amused. He actually leans against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. “You don’t say?”
“That’s right. We’re friends, and we sort of share a bond because of Syria. I’m attracted to her, and I kissed her. She never once—”
“Let me stop you right there, buddy,” Kynan drawls, holding up a hand. “I think it’s precious you’re trying to protect Anna and all, but she’s a big girl and she has already laid it all out to me. I know this is very much a two-way street.”
“I’ll tender my resignation,” I offer quickly, now thinking he’s here because a relationship between Anna and me is prohibited. “Anna is blameless.”
“Jesus Christ,” Kynan growls, pushing off the wall and getting in my face. “I don’t care if you and Anna date each other. What I do care about is you telling her things that aren’t truthful.”
“Excuse me?” I ask, tilting my head.
“You have it in your head that you did something wrong during the ambush, but you didn’t. I get you’ve talked to Corinne and told her what happened, and I get you’ve told the same to Anna. But when you are using words—stating it’s your fault they died—well, that’s just not the truth. You protected the men to your front who were under a direct threat. They were as much a part of your team as Jimmy and Sal were. If I’d been in your shoes, I would have done the same thing. Anyone else from Jameson who’d been in your shoes would have done the same thing, too. So quit fucking thinking Jimmy and Sal are dead because of you. It’s simply not true. And if I hear one more word about it, I’m going to fucking fire you. Accept we lost two good men, but it was not your fault. Move on from it. Move forward with Anna. But figure this shit out, Malik, or else you’re never getting off desk duty. Are we clear?”
I’m frozen in shock over his words. Clearly, this has hit a nerve with Kynan, and I’m a bit confused as to why. Is my perception that far off?
“But they were unprotected,” I hesitantly point out.
“As were you,” he says, this time in a gentler tone. “As were the Brits. The Aussies. Tank Richardson. Everyone was unprotected, and you handled the biggest and most immediate threat. Your actions saved countless lives. It fucking sucks we lost two others, but we cannot expect things to work out perfectly in these scenarios. If anything, I could go one further and say Jimmy and Sal should have been doing recon on their rear to assess the danger—or one should have been watching their fronts while the other watched their backs—but I’m not going there because they are dead. You are not, though. Get the blame out of your head, so you can start living life again, okay?”
“Um… okay,” I reply hesitantly, but I’m not even sure what that means. Just because Kynan tells me not to feel guilty doesn’t mean it will just stop. Any soldier who comes back alive from conflict always carries some guilt for those who died.
“I’m leaving this up to Corinne to work out with you further,” Kynan continues. I can’t help my grimace. “I get you’re hearing what I’m saying right now, but I need to believe that you believe you did nothing wrong. I’ll need her assurances on that.”