She straightened, a thin smile on her face. “Of course, my father and Zach’s father are best friends and have been members in the club forever.” She shook her head. “You look like a fish out of water out there. You hate those
people. But it’s what you’ll have to get used to if you stay with Zach. Those people will become your people, and their ways will become your ways, and eventually you’ll be a hopeless alcoholic like Aby.”
I frowned. “If it is so bad, then why do I get the feeling that you wouldn’t mind being at Zach’s side for all that.”
“Because,” she said, taking a step closer to me. “Those are already my people. I’m one of them, I’ve always been one of them. Their games and backstabbing are what I do best. And I’m too strong to become alcoholic. I won’t break down because my husband cheats on me. That’s what pool-boys and masseurs are for. I’d find someone to distract me.”
She turned to leave. “Don’t look so shocked. That’s how it works. That’s the world Zach has grown up in. He might try to be an average law student right now, but eventually he’ll become what he was meant to be.”
After she’d left, I needed a couple of minutes to compose myself before I joined Zach again, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Brittany’s words.
***
It was late afternoon when we returned to the house and I was exhausted. Keeping up a front was exhausting. Even Zach’s mother who’d been charming and almost exuberant at the country club seemed to collapse back upon herself the moment we were inside.
“Could I have a word with my son?” Robert asked with a too polite smile.
Zach narrowed his eyes at his father, but I let go of his hand and followed his mother into the kitchen. She opened the fridge and searched for something. I assumed some kind of alcohol. When she didn’t find it, her shoulders slumped and she turned to me. “Zach’s trying to be a good boy,” she said quietly. “But he’s his father’s son. Maybe he won’t leave you because he’s worried what you’ll do if he does, but he won’t love you. I know because I’m living that reality.” My lips parted in shock. She smiled. “I really like you, Amber. I want you and Zach to be happy…Please excuse me. I’ll have to leave you for a moment.” With that, she walked out of the kitchen, leaving me alone.
After a moment, I also left the kitchen and headed for the guest bathroom, but froze when I heard Robert’s voice coming from the living room.
“You brought her here because you knew how I’d react. You knew I’d say what you are thinking but too polite to say aloud, or too cowardly to admit to yourself. That girl is not for you.”
“Why? Because she makes me happy and you prefer me miserable?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. The girl is not for you because once you join me in the company you need someone at your side who can charm the pants off of clients, someone who has no trouble lying through her teeth, someone who can be every bit the trophy wife men in our position need, someone like Brittany.”
I stifled a gasp. I peered through the gap in the door and saw Zach and his father facing each other.
Zach scoffed. “Brittany? You think she’s a good match because she’s the daughter of one of your best clients. She means better business.”
“So what? It’s not like she’s hard on the eyes. And she’s like you.”
“Like me?”
His father smiled coldly. “You’re both not exactly faithful.”
Zach’s face hardened. “I have Amber now.”
“Amber is shy and polite and barely able to hold my gaze. She won’t impress anyone, believe me. She’s your flavor of the month but that won’t last. Whether you’re able to admit it or not, Zach, you are like me. You can’t be monogamous. You will always look for the next hot piece of ass, and what happens to Amber then? That girl wouldn’t survive a marriage to you. Look at what marrying me meant for your mother, and she was never as weak as that girl. Do you really want that for Amber? Let her go. Let her find some boring accountant who will make her happy.”
Weak. I wasn’t weak.
Was I?
“I can’t,” Zach said. I can’t? What kind of answer was that? Shouldn’t he have said I ‘won’t’? ‘I can’t’ sounded as if I was stopping him.
“Why? Your mother told me a bit about the girl. Are you worried she’s going to kill herself if you dump her? Believe me I know how it feels to be shackled to a woman because she threatens you with suicide. They won’t go through with it, don’t worry.”
Zach didn’t say anything. I felt like I was falling. Was he staying with me because of what my dad had said? Was he scared I’d kill myself if he left me?
Robert put a hand on Zach’s shoulder. “Think of your future, of Amber’s future, and then do the right thing and cut her loose as long as this isn’t serious. If you wait longer, it’ll only get worse.” Zach’s father shrugged. “If you’re too selfish to let her go, then keep her on the side. If she’s good in bed, then for all I care keep her for that, though I can’t see the appeal unless you like them meek and submissive.”
I stumbled back, not able to bear another moment. My heart was pounding in my chest as I hurried back toward the kitchen. I’d always thought that Zach could do better than me. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who thought like that. What about Zach? He hadn’t disagreed with his father. Maybe deep down he knew that we wouldn’t make it. Maybe he’d realized that I wasn’t enough. Maybe he was tired of vanilla sex. Maybe he wanted to escape but couldn’t because his conscience wouldn’t let him. Brian and my dad had made sure he knew how fragile I was and seeing my suicide scars probably hadn’t helped matters. I wasn’t sure what to think anymore. Zach’s father right with one thing: I couldn’t live like Zach’s mother did. Knowing that my husband was cheating on me and drowning my sorrows in alcohol. I’d gone through too much, had come too far to let that happen to me. I had a past I hated being reminded of; I wanted at least a future to look forward to. And there was another thing I was absolutely sure about: I wouldn’t force anyone to stay with me by threatening him with suicide. I’d been pitied by everyone around me for years, I didn’t want Zach to be with me out of pity or duty.
Zach
I ground my teeth together to keep back the things I wanted to call my father. He was a cheating, misogynistic, money-grubbing asshole but he was still my father. When I was sure I wouldn’t curse him, I said. “Don’t talk about Amber like that. You don’t know anything about Amber, or about our relationship. I can’t leave Amber because I love her.” Shock shot through my body at the realization. I did love her. I should have realized it sooner.
“Love, please don’t be ridiculous, Zach.”
I glared. “Just because you aren’t capable of loving anyone except for yourself that doesn’t mean I’m the same way. I’m nothing like you.”
“You are. Tell me now that you’ve never once considered cheating on Amber and then maybe I believe that you are less like me than I think.”
I tensed, and my father let out a sharp laugh. “Maybe you aren’t ready to accept it yet. Keep your Amber for now, string her along, but mark my words: that girl won’t be at your side once you take over my company.”
“Coming here was a mistake,” I said firmly. “Amber and I are leaving now.” I turned around to pick up Amber in the kitchen.
“Yes, run away. But you can’t run from the truth of who you are, Zach.” I pushed through the door and almost ran toward the kitchen. Amber was inside, staring out of the window – alone.
“Where’s my mother?” I asked.
Amber glanced over her shoulder. She looked shaken. “She said she needed to go upstairs.”
God, was my mother getting wasted with Amber in the house? “I need to check on her,” I said and went upstairs. Mother was in the bedroom, bent over her vanity. I approached her cautiously and put a hand on her shoulder. “Mom?” She raised her head a few inches. The remains of cocaine dusted the vanity and her chin. “I thought you stopped with that shit?” I whispered harshly. I helped her to her feet and led her toward the bed, where she lay down with a hazy smile. “I did. For a little while. A little while. But I need it to feel something, to feel numb, and forget.”
Did she realize that she contra
dicted herself? There was only one thing cocaine did: ruining your life. “Does Father know?” The answer was obvious. Cocaine was expensive.
“He tells me to be careful.” I closed my eyes for a moment, then pressed a kiss to my mother’s forehead and left. I wasn’t even sure when I’d found my mother like that the first time. I was young, maybe seven, and father had lost it completely. When I came back downstairs, Father was putting on his coat. “Where are you going? Mother just sniffed coke, you can’t leave her alone.”
“Nina is on her way.”
“You’re going to let the maid take care of Mother?”
He glared. “It’s worked for the last few years. Now leave, and get your affairs sorted. I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Don’t worry, I’ll spend the night with your mother.”
I wanted to hit him so much in that moment. Instead I walked into the kitchen and took Amber’s hand before leading her outside. Father was already getting into his Porsche when we stepped onto the porch. “Is your mother alright?”
Nina waved at me from a way down the street. “She’s…as she’s always been.” That was the only way to describe it. I couldn’t remember a time when my mother hadn’t been addicted to something. Pills, anti-depressants, alcohol, pott, cocaine. She was getting worse at hiding it; that was what really worried me.
Amber was awfully silent during our drive back to Boston. She was probably shocked by the state of my family. Some people equaled money with happiness, but that wasn’t true. I didn’t think my mother had been truly happy in many years. “Are you okay?” I asked eventually.
She looked almost surprised that I’d spoken as if she’d forgotten that she wasn’t alone in the car. “Yeah. Tired. The country club was exhausting.”
“I know. It’ll get better. Eventually your facial muscles learn to keep a constant smile and the right words will come naturally.”