“I’m so sorry you went through all of that, Ice. That all of you went through it. It certainly explains why you’re all so strong. I don’t think anyone could have survived such an ordeal if they weren’t strong.”
“We’re all fucked the hell up,” he said, his heart accelerating more.
“Honey, don’t you realize every single person in the world is screwed up in some way? You fought back in the only way open to you. I would have hopefully found the strength to do the same. The fact that you’re alive is a tribute to you. To who you are.”
Her voice. Soft. Intimate. Telling him more than the words she uttered. She wasn’t going to leave him. She was going to stay and be there with him.
“I can see why all three of you were so skilled and fast at what you did. I would still be making up my mind on what to do.”
“Czar is trying to get us to live within society as best we can. The problem is, none of us know or understand half the rules. Blythe tries, but the rules don’t make sense to us. We spent a good part of our lives naked. When we had sex, it was safer to do so with one another around. We protected one another. It’s difficult to change the conditioning. All of us were trained in some sexual way, or the trauma has given some of us disturbing traits society says are kinky or wrong. It makes it difficult to ever feel as if we can assimilate into a civilian population.”
He wasn’t going to say what those things the others had were because he was only giving her himself. He wanted her to accept him regardless of his past, or that he was also conditioned to thinking first to kill if threatened, not to talk or call the cops. They would never get used to dealing with the police. They were a closed society, and they protected one another vigorously.
He wanted her to understand, he had tried, at first, to fight that conditioning when it came to sex, but it was too ingrained, and it had been the only way to get his cock to cooperate with him when he tried to force himself to feel something. Maybe because it was natural to have an erection around her, he might not need it every time. So far, he hadn’t.
“The cops might come asking questions, Soleil. You’re not just my wife. You’re part of this club. We don’t talk to law enforcement. If Czar wants them to know something, he’ll tell them. We try not to lie if we can help it, but we don’t ever give one another up. You have to understand, that’s a sacred rule. It’s part of our code. We never give one another up, no matter the cost. That’s what got us out. We did it by sticking together. If one was going down, we all were.”
She nodded. “I understand. I’ve never had a family, Ice. I never had anyone standing for me. I’ve never been a part of anything. Or anyone. I see the value of your club and the loyalty to one another. Why you’re such a strong family. It’s something I’ve always longed for. All of you have had one another for years. I’m just seeing the care you give one another. Blythe, Anya and Breezy were wonderful to me. Being treated like family is something I treasure, and I don’t take it for granted. Believe me, I want to be part of that. But mostly, I want to be with you, and I want to be someone you can be proud of.”
He could breathe again. The air moved through his lungs, in and out. His heart slowed to a normal pace. He tightened his hand around hers. “Savage and Absinthe stood for you today, Soleil, and if you knew Savage the way I do, you’d know that’s huge. He stays apart from everyone else. He’s quiet, rarely speaks. But he’s always there for the rest of us.”
“Why is he always a little apart, Ice? I’ve noticed the way he is.”
Ice shrugged. “The things we endured in that place shaped us. There’s no getting away from it, no matter how hard we try.” He looked at her. “You quiet the demons for me. When I told you I didn’t have natural erections before you, I didn’t. One look at you in that little sundress, standing across the street, with your tits and that ass, I thought I was going to embarrass myself right there on the street.” He couldn’t keep the awe out of his voice. “I know I can’t keep my hands off you, and that has to get old for you, but seriously, baby, it feels like the first time every time we’re together. Sometimes it’s so fuckin’ good I think my head is going to explode.”