Absinthe shrugged, careful not to look at Czar’s piercing eyes. “I was playing the lawyer. Wanted her to think that was what she was getting.”
“Why?” Storm asked. “That’s not you.”
“That’s a part of me. One side of me. The thing is, she …” What could he say to make them understand? He rubbed his temples. The slow throbbing had gone from annoying to painful.
“I told you I get feelings sometimes, and I did while riding up to the library. I removed my colors because I knew something momentous was about to happen. It didn’t feel like a threat, and I always follow my gut instincts. I was right this time.”
He looked around the table. These were his brothers and sisters. He’d fight and die for them. They were his family. His world. He hated telling them the truth.
“All of us in this room have demons. We can’t escape them. We all know that. Unfortunately, I have all your demons in my head along with my own. I have the demons of every man or woman I’ve had to question or kill in my head. I have the demons of the ones we couldn’t save. They don’t leave me or let up. They just are stuck there, driving me insane.”
He couldn’t look at them as he made the confession because he knew he was hurting them. It wasn’t his intention, but he had to make them see that Scarlet was as necessary to him as Blythe was to Czar or Anya was to Reaper.
“Sometimes, when one of you is having a particularly difficult time and you’re trying to deal with it, my brain feels like it’s being shredded. I can’t make that stop, no matter how hard I try. So, when it’s particularly bad, I go to a library alone. I sit there surrounded by books and the people who read them. I sit in that silence and there’s a semblance of peace.”
There was complete silence in the room, almost as if everyone held their breath. Absinthe finally forced himself to meet Czar’s gaze, the man he looked up to. That hurt, right in the gut like a hard punch.
“The times you thought I was using my voice on a member of our club, or on Blythe, it was to end the argument because I thought my brain was going to start bleeding from all the demons shrieking. It wasn’t to get my way. It was to stop what was going on in my head.”
“Absinthe.” Alena whispered his name, her voice so filled with compassion, he could hear tears. Feel them on his skin. Feel them pounding like rain in his brain.
Lana put her hand on his arm, something she rarely did. “Honey, you should have told us. We could have tried to shield you more.”
“This woman, the librarian, does she shield you? When you’re close to her, does she quiet your mind?” Czar asked.
Absinthe frowned. “Not at first. She’s different though. Her brain is different. When I touched her, I could tell immediately that she was different. She would hand me a book and I made certain our fingers would brush against one another. She moved away immediately, but I work at a very high level and far too quickly. The very first time I touched her, I connected and forged a path between us.”
He shook his head. “I’ve never run across a brain like hers. She’s very gifted. She works on an entirely different path. She switches gears fast and like I said, the learning curve is amazing. I think her brain adjusts for her without her even recognizing what’s happening most of the time. The more we were together, the quieter my mind became until finally it was still. I took her to dinner, and it was still. Completely, utterly at peace.”
Again, there was silence. Czar looked tired, and Absinthe hated that he was the one to put those deep lines in his face. Czar had done more for all of them than they could ever repay. He’d never asked for anything in return, not of significance. Absinthe rubbed the bridge of his nose again, but before he could speak, Czar did.
“You should have told me, Absinthe. You should have told all of us. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through all this time.” Czar shook his head. Pushed back his chair and then hit the table with his fist. “Damn it. What I put you through forcing you to question so many of our enemies. Those fucking pedophiles in the school.”
“I had already been touched by them and knew what they were and how they thought, Czar. I did my part the same as everyone here and I was glad to do it. I’ll always do my part. My demons aren’t any worse than anyone else’s in this room. We have them, we all carry them, and we deal.” He tried to be as matter-of-fact as possible. “The way I deal is through my books. I like the feel of a library. Now, it’s led me to Scarlet. I want to take my time with her, let her get to know me, hopefully bring her in slowly. I want to be her choice.”