There was love and pride in her voice. Absinthe could feel the genuine affection she had for Alena. “Babe, that doesn’t mean a thing. Cooking or not cooking doesn’t make or break a relationship. I couldn’t care less if Scarlet can cook. I doubt if Ice cares if Soleil can make a pancake for him. He loves her. That’s what matters. What’s wrong? What’s this really about?”
She shrugged and pushed the food around on her plate with her fork. “I’m restless sometimes, that’s all. I have to fight depression, just like everyone else. It isn’t easy being with everyone all the time. The reminders are … difficult. Some days are worse than others. You know how it is. All of us have to fight those times.”
“Lana, you can put an end to it. You’re capable of loving, you know you are.”
“I can’t. There is no way to end it. I don’t have that second chance like Steele got with Breezy. Some things, when they’re broken, can’t be put back together. I want to make certain Alena is all right, and Savage. I’m so worried about him. If he takes off, I’m going with him.”
“No.” Absinthe had been sitting back, lounging almost, doing his best to keep Lana at ease so she’d talk to him, but there was no way to disguise his visceral reaction to her declaration. “You can’t do that.”
“Someone has to watch over him.”
“If he leaves us, it’s for a reason. You can’t save him if he goes. He’s leaving because he knows he can’t be saved.”
“He already thinks that, Absinthe. We all know that. It’s a matter of time. If he leaves, it’s because he’s given up. If I go with him, he’ll try to hold out longer.”
“And what? Prolong his agony? Because that’s what he’s going through. I feel it when I’m close to him. Not all the time, but, man, when the devil’s on his back, when it sinks its teeth into him, that demon has him hard. You can’t save him, Lana. I don’t know what can.”
She looked out toward the restaurant, blinking rapidly to stop any moisture from touching her eyes. “I hate what they did to us. To all of us. Czar tried so hard to give us something to live for, but I don’t see how we’re all going to come out of this whole.”
“We aren’t,” Absinthe said truthfully. “We aren’t, Lana. It’s an impossibility. Look at Reaper. He loves Anya so much. You can see it every time he looks at her. He loves her with every breath he takes. He’s damned lucky she loves him the same way back because they have to work to make it work. He isn’t an easy man to live with and he knows it. He tries, but he can’t undo the damage done to him. Steele is insane sometimes and Breezy is strong enough to call him on it. She chooses her battles, but she doesn’t let him get away with being a dictator. Ice has it the easiest because Soleil is a pleaser, but then he gives her the world. He would stand on his head to give her whatever she wanted. The two of them are making their art work for them together in a business, but even Ice can get out of hand sometimes and Soleil seems to be able to bring him back. But the absolute bottom line is this, we can’t be without one another, not even Czar. Blythe knows it. All the women know it. They choose to live close because they know we need each other.”
Lana rubbed her left temple. “I want everyone happy, Absinthe, I really do. I want to see every single one of my brothers and Alena find that perfect person, but to be left behind, to be alone and know I always will be, it’s just too much. I can’t watch that. I’m not that big of a person. I wish I was, but I’m not.”
“You have a headache, babe? I shouldn’t have asked you to stay.”
“No, I get them sometimes, just like all of us. It’s nothing. I wanted to stay. I like your librarian. I think she’s perfect for you.”
“Stop overthinking all this. You’ve always done that. You’re the one who likes to plan out every detail.”
“Like you.”
That wasn’t exactly the truth and both of them knew it. His older brother, Demyan, had been the meticulous planner. Absinthe had always gone on his gut feelings. As always, when he allowed himself to think about his brother, his stomach churned and his lungs burned for air. His heart accelerated and the pressure in his chest increased until it felt like a thousand-pound weight was sitting on him. He broke out in a sweat. Shit. He was finished with that.
“Honey.” Lana’s voice was pitched low.