"That's it? That's the reason?"
She pressed her lips together and then tugged her lower lip between her teeth briefly to show him she was nervous. "You didn't like me very much, Rafe. I tried so hard and no matter what I did, you pushed me away from you. I hated what you did to April, but even after that I tried to take care of you the only way I knew how, but then you . . ." Deliberately she trailed off. Ducked her head. Looked at her hands, twisting her fingers together in the way she knew he didn't like.
Rafe preferred stillness and he'd been on her all the time about learning to be absolutely still. Now, she realized he'd been preparing her for her leopard in his own way.
He reached out and gently laid his hand over hers to stop the movement of her fingers. "Be still, Catarina," he said, in the same low tone, but his dominant male leopard retreated even a little more.
Without the leopard driving him to dominate or kill, Rafe would be easier to manipulate. She nodded her head and allowed her hands to relax under his. She remembered his hands forcing hers into the well of April's blood and she nearly jerked away from him, the memory was so vivid. She could actually smell the blood for a moment, but she held it together.
This was for Eli. She could do this because Eli made her aware of her own strength. She had outsmarted Rafe once and she could do it again, because it didn't matter right then that she wasn't formally educated. It didn't mean she wasn't intelligent enough to turn the table on Rafe Cordeau. She knew she was.
"You left me because you think I didn't want you?"
She swallowed hard. It was difficult to tell him, because it was the truth. She had tried so hard and felt so alone and unloved. She'd gone to try to see her stepmother, hoping the memories of her childhood were skewed and maybe the woman did love her. Then she'd lost April, and she'd retreated from everyone, horrified, ashamed and guilty. She'd needed Rafe to reassure her. To come to her and hold her. To make things right, even when intellectually she knew there was no right to what he'd done. He hadn't. He'd left her alone with her nightmares, guilt and shame.
She knew Rafe could hear the ring of truth in her voice, she could see it in his eyes, in the way he looked at her. His thumb slid over the back of her hand.
"Don't stop, Catarina. I need to know everything. I need to understand. If I understand what happened, what drove you away from me, it will help determine how all this ends and if that man will live out his life safely or not."
Her stomach muscles clenched. Hard knots formed. It took a lot of control to breathe normally and not give in to the desire to jerk her hands away. The worst of it all was she felt sorry for him. He seemed so alone and she'd hurt him. She didn't want to see that, but she did.
"Do you remember the dinner you had with the Lospostos family? I was so careful. I wanted you to be proud of me. More, I wanted you to look good to them. I chose every dish so carefully and prepared it. It took me hours. Even the bread was made from scratch. Everything was perfect. They loved it. They loved the dessert. And then you forced me to read that poem. You knew I couldn't read. You wanted to make fun of me. Worse, you wanted them to make fun of me."
The memory brought heat to her face. She would never be able to look back on that night without feeling the embarrassment of her lack of education. Rafe had done it on purpose, and no matter what he said now, he could never take the moment back.
"You said I was good in the kitchen, but not good for much else. I heard you. You laughed. They laughed. You implied I had a subpar IQ and couldn't learn anything in school."
She allowed her lashes to lift because she knew he'd see genuine pain there. She didn't want to show it to him. The only person she trusted enough to see her that vulnerable was Eli, but this was for Eli.
Rafe's fingers tightened around her hand. "I had no choice, Catarina. None. They had noticed you. They asked too many questions and they wanted to meet you. I couldn't have them speculating on whether or not you meant something to me. That would have put you in danger."
"You want me to believe you humiliated me in front of your friends because somehow that would keep me out of danger?" Catarina poured incredulity into her voice.
She kept her gaze from shifting toward the kitchen door through sheer willpower. She'd have to check on Eli soon. She couldn't stand not knowing if he was all right or not. There had been something in Rafe's look when he'd directed his men to leave Eli alone. She didn't believe that Eli was entirely safe.
"They aren't friends," he said, leaning toward her, his eyes steady on hers. "They are dangerous people I'm forced to do business with. I have one weakness. Only one. You make me vulnerable. If others know it, especially a crime family as dangerous as the Lospostos, you can be used as a weapon against me. What that means, Catarina, is they may take you and torture you. They may send you back to me in pieces. I wasn't willing to risk you for your pride."
She heard the truth in his voice and she didn't want to. Her heart already bled for him--this man lost to his past--to the parents who abused and corrupted him. There was no redemption, no going back from what he'd done.
She licked her lips, forcing her mind to stay on Rafe and away from Eli. She knew Eli had a plan and she had to trust him, although what he could do hanging from chains with three male leopards who obviously hunted humans with Rafe in the swamp was beyond her comprehension.
"Rafe, I grew up in your home."
"It's your home too, Catarina." His tone, still low, was very firm and decisive.
"I'm quite a lot smarter and more observant than you ever gave me credit for."
"I'm well aware of that, although I've always known you were intelligent. I just underestimated you. I thought if I kept you from school, it would slow you down a little. Instead, you accelerated. That was my mistake and one I won't make again with you."
She didn't know if that was praise or a warning. "The point is, I used your computer for my education, not my own. I hacked you. I know your business. I know what you do."
"I'm very aware of that." Now he did sound proud of her.
That pride made her heart ache all the more. "I know the arms deals. The drug deals. The prostitutes and even contract kills you arranged. I know where your money is. I'm a danger to you and to every business partner you have."
"I've been aware of that for some time, Catarina." He sat back, for the first time letting go of her. "You never once cooperated with law enforcement. You didn't go to them. You refused to give them anything this time, even when you knew I would find out where you were the moment they brought you to a police station. You knew I would come after you. And you knew I'd find you. Still you didn't take their deal. That's not fear, Catarina. That's loyalty. I've never once had anyone loyal to me. Anyone looking out for me. Not unless I paid them. You gave that to me."
It wasn't altogether a lie. There was more truth in his statement than she wanted to believe. He'd killed, and still there was a part of her that protected him and she didn't understand why. She kept thinking she could find a way to save him. He'd grown up in what could only have been a nightmare world, but so had Jake Bannaconni. Jake had found a morality, lines he would never cross; Rafe had turned to killing to ease his own pain.
"What about those people you allow your leopard to hunt in the swamp, Rafe?" she asked quietly.
His eyes flickered, darkened. She saw the threat of his leopard there. The focused, piercing stare of the hunter. "I don't kill those people, Catarina. My leopard does. It's the only way I can restrain him. Every one of them was an enemy."
"You brought women to our home to sleep with you. You hunted them. How could they be the enemy?"
"You go too far," he hissed. "Do you have any idea how dangerous this conversation is for you?"
"I want to understand the things I didn't as a child. The things about you that scared me. I'm giving you all the reasons I ran from you, Rafe. You were everything to me. My whole life. There was no one else. Only you. You didn't hold me. You didn't reassure me when I needed it. I tried to hold on. I tried to understand. But I knew what you were doing and it frightened me, especially when I felt her. My leopard. I was afraid she would hunt with yours. That she was a killer."
He studied her face. He reached out and touched her hair gently. So gently. His fingers slid through the silky length and then he tucked it behind her ear. She realized he really thought he could persuade her to leave Eli and go back with him. To do that, he had to know he'd have to kill Eli. Eli would never let her go, and if there was one thing Rafe was good at, it was reading other men. He'd know that. Somewhere in Rafe's mind, he believed he could make her see that it was the right thing to do. The thought that Rafe was that far gone saddened her.
"You don't understand about leopards, sweetheart. They need freedom to be who and what they are. They're at the top of the food chain. If I don't let mine run free and hunt the way he was meant to, his mood affects me and I become dangerous. Better a prostitute than some innocent woman."
"Did your leopard hunt my mother?"
"She wasn't your mother. She intended to use you for prostitution. She told me so herself when she came back demanding more money for you."
Her heart stuttered in her chest. She couldn't help herself. She wrapped her arms around her body and rocked herself gently back and forth. "I need a drink of water, Rafe."
"I'll get it for you. This is a lot to take in." He stood, his eyes on her just in case, and walked to the sink.
She waited for him to fill a glass with water before feeling quickly under the table for the weapon taped there. The moment her fingers found it, she dropped her hands to her lap, twisting her fingers together. She knew he would focus on that. He hated that she couldn't keep still when she was nervous or agitated.