"Darkness does not describe the hell we live in waiting for our lifemates. The world is bleak, and we have only our honor to keep us from turning to the wrong path. Vampires are Carpathians who choose to give up their souls for the chance to feel a rush when they kill. That is how desperate it becomes living in that raw, ugly world." He brushed kisses over her ear and down to her neck.
Her heart accelerated. His hand was at her waist now, back to stroking soothing caresses over her skin, splaying his fingers wide to take in as much of her as he could.
"You have to have made a mistake, Fane. I'm not that woman."
"We lose our ability to see in color and to feel emotion. Both fade slowly so we do not succumb to the madness of our lives being slowly taken from us, but it is wearing after so many years. Each kill we make in the name of justice adds to the darkness. The longer we live, the more difficult it can become. When we find the one woman, our woman, our lifemate, she restores colors and emotions to us. We can feel how perfect and beautiful making love is. We can see her amazing silky skin and feel her hair sliding over our skin. When we kiss it's a kind of ecstasy, because every feeling is appreciated and felt intensely."
Trixie moistened her lips. She felt languid, so relaxed she couldn't move, but at the same time, unease had crept in. This would never be her home. At her age, she couldn't just drop everything and follow a man, no matter how much she might want to. More, how much the thought of leaving him made her crumble inside. "Fane, are you saying I've done that for you? I gave you back your ability to see in color and feel emotion?"
"That is exactly what you did for me."
She closed her eyes, sorrow sweeping through her at the enormity of his simple statement. She had always been intelligent, able to grasp a concept immediately, and she knew that what he just said meant they were tied together. Soul to soul. She might have scoffed at the notion or made light fun of someone believing such nonsense if she wasn't lying next to him, naked and sated from amazing sex. She didn't do this kind of thing. Ever.
"I'm so glad I did, Fane. You're a good man." She took a breath. "But I am human, not Carpathian, and I have an entire life in another place."
"I am aware of that, Trixie. I am in your mind. I have seen your life and your lack of dreams for yourself. You have given pieces of yourself to everyone you love all of your life and you held back nothing for yourself." He brushed another kiss along her temple, and now his hand moved lower, between her legs. "I was born to give you everything. To keep you safe and make you happy. Truly happy."
"I am happy, Fane."
"I know you love your family, but I found the emptiness in you. That place that feels just as alone as I was. You hold it away from everyone, deep inside where it only belongs to you. Now it is mine to fill."
She closed her eyes. Wanting him. Knowing she couldn't have him. She'd gone nearly a lifetime without a man. It was impossible to incorporate one into her life. Fane was sweet to her, but she could see he was a scary man. Dangerous. He wore that look in the lines of his face and the set of his shoulders. The way he moved. He was a man, meaning totally masculine. He would be bossy. She was bossy.
"Fane, I've lived alone for a very long time, making my own decisions, not only for myself but for my children. I have attitude. Sass. I wouldn't suit you. Eventually we'd fight all the time because you wouldn't be able to live with me."
His hand smoothed over her hair. She'd never liked anyone touching her hair. It took forever to put those cornrows in and then braid the entire mass. Somehow, she didn't mind when Fane stroked caresses and massaged her scalp. His touch felt good. So good. She could get lost in his touch. Forget all her objections and just want to stay right there with him forever.
Forever. The word reverberated through her mind. These people slept in the ground. They lived for a very long time. What else did they do?
She moistened suddenly dry lips, trying not to stiffen, but she must have because his fingers stopped moving along her skin and instead, bit deep, as if he was holding her to him. "When you said you had to feed the ancients, what did that mean?"
"It is not safe for them to leave this monastery and go hunting."
She felt everything in her go still. In her mind, as erotic as it was, she knew just how often Fane's mouth had been on her neck and she'd felt the bite of his teeth.
"Blood? Like a vampire? Do you exist on blood?"
"Yes."
She closed her eyes again and held herself tight. Heart pounding. She'd asked, although she'd already guessed his answer. It was no wonder the humans who knew of vampires got Carpathians mixed up with them. "What is the difference?" she asked in a low, unfortunately shaky voice.
"We do not kill when we feed. We are respectful and we ensure it is not traumatic and not remembered."
"Teagan?" she asked softly. "She is with one of you?"
"She is Andre's lifemate." Fane framed her face with both hands and looked into her eyes. "He is totally devoted to her, as I am to you. He will never allow harm to come to her, and he will move heaven and earth to bring her happiness. He intends to relocate to the United States."
He brushed her mouth with his. Her lips were trembling. Her Teagan. Her beloved granddaughter. These men took her blood. She tried to roll away from Fane. She had to get to Teagan, somehow find a way to protect her.
"Han sivamak."
Fane uttered the endearment in the voice that always tore her up inside. His arms locked her in place and she knew it was useless to fight him.
"I have taken your blood and you enjoyed it. You were never in any danger from me. Not ever. I could never harm you or see you come to har
m. You hold my soul. You are light to my darkness and you light the way for me. You are susu. Home. Mine at last."
She shook her head. "Teagan . . ."
"Is happy. We will see them soon. Very soon. It takes three full blood exchanges for a conversion to take place. We have exchanged blood twice."
She didn't like the sound of that. "I really need to sit up. To put some clothes on." She needed armor. She needed space. Two blood exchanges? What did that mean? The word exchange inferred that she had taken his blood. Images rose, hazy, but there, of her mouth on his chest, of the taste she couldn't get out of her mind. The moment she thought of it, the craving began all over again.
Once again she fought for breath, gasping and choking. He leaned down and took her mouth, breathing for her. Breathing for both of them. He forced air into her lungs, his hands strong and sure, holding her close, comforting her even as he tore apart her world.
When he lifted his head, his eyes blazing down at her, moving possessively over her face, she shook her head. "I can't have this. I can't, Fane. It's not right."
"Do you hear yourself, sivamet? You are saying 'cannot.' You want this. You know it is right. We are right. You feel it, I know you do because I am with you. You are afraid you will lose your family, but you will not. I will see to your happiness, Trixie, and the thing that makes you who you are, the one thing that makes you happiest is your family."
Why did he sound so confident? Why did he make sense when none of what was happening to her made sense?
"Gabrielle told me that few women have children and that is why everyone is working to allow that possibility. My childbearing days are long over. I'm too old. I wouldn't be of any use." Even as she admitted the truth to push him away, she felt like she'd shredded her own heart. Children were important to Carpathians. She'd gotten that from Gabrielle, but because Fane was sharing her mind, she picked up things about him. And children meant a lot.