After she’d left I still hadn’t felt safe enough to venture outside even though my secret was out. So I buckled down, changed the locks on my door and never even looked outside except for doctor’s appointments. I went to every one by myself, got my hands on all the research about childbirth and parenting and read or watched to keep me company.
I was alone when I went into labor as I’d expected and planned for. I was the one who called the ambulance. I was the one who gave birth alone, the one who came home from the hospital alone with a newborn baby that terrified me even though I’d prepared myself for it all.
Those first few days I was happy and scared at least part of each hour. The joy I felt when I looked at him cannot be measured, but I feared even more that a life like I had lived would be forced upon him if I didn’t do something.
There wasn’t much I could do though as was proven by the fact that she’d found me and once again destroyed something I loved. I told myself that that was the last thing she’d ever take away from me, my marriage. I’d spend my life protecting my darling son from her even if it cost me that very life. I’d go down fighting.
I thought of Calen everyday. Each time I looked at my son’s beautiful face I saw him. It was amazing how much of him I found in my son when there was hardly any of me in him. I’m the one who’d carried him after all, and yet, he was his daddy’s image.
I fell in love with my little bean more and more each day. Then one day I realized that I couldn’t hide him away with me, that he needed light and sunshine. I rebelled at the thought of raising him the way I had been, at denying him the natural pleasures of life. Things that should be enjoyed by all humans but had been denied me in the most formative years of my life.
It got easier and easier to leave the house without fear of being pounced on by my mother or one of her goons. But then as with everything else in my life, the inevitable happened. We were at the mall one day. Calen the fifth was in his stroller gleefully taking in the sights and sounds of people milling about while I licked an ice cream cone with a two year olds’ delight.
My heart fell as soon as I saw him, an old friend of my ex-husband’s. What was he doing here? His sort doesn’t frequent the mall, not many millionaires do. I’m pretty sure he’s worth millions even though Calen is worth a whole lot more. My ex is in a higher echelon than that for sure.
Anyway, I was stunned when I saw him and mortified that he’d seen me as well. He’d made a beeline in my direction with a half smile on his face as if not sure of his reception. He came up short when he was almost at my side and saw the stroller and its occupant.
He did a good job of trying to hide it but I saw the look of recognition as soon as it hit his eyes. He’d played it off rather well, asking after my health and wellbeing without even mentioning the child but it was obvious that he’d put two and two together. How many times had I looked at my son and exclaimed in my heart at how much like his daddy he was?
And here was a man who’d known Calen half his life. A man who’d obviously noticed the similarities. I’d all but ran from the mall and headed home with a knot the size of Gibraltar in my stomach. Would he tell Calen what he saw, or will I get lucky and things would remain as they are?
I was no use once we got home and I locked us away behind closed doors wishing the world would stay at bay. I went through the motions of feeding my baby in his high chair while my mind was in turmoil. And then the phone rang, it had only been two hours since I left the mall.
“Bring my son to me or I’ll make you regret the day you drew your first fucking breath.” And then he hung up. I dropped to the floor as my legs gave out from under me. My first thought once again was to run. I even went around the apartment grabbing stuff to take on the run with us. Calen Jr.’s favorite stuffed toy, his blanket that he came home from the hospital with and was hardly ever without…
Then I realized it was fruitless. There’s nowhere in the world I can hide from my ex. Not with his money, resources and connections. He may not have come after me, but I had no doubt that he’d move heaven and earth to find his child. So I did the only thing I could do. I cleaned my son up and took him back downstairs to the car and proceeded to make the drive to what was once my marital home.