Dare To Love Again

I’d gone without anything but the bare necessities, and if anyone noticed anything, they never mentioned it. It helped that my mother the monster never visited and never cared to or showed much interest in how I was doing there. I learned early on who her spies were from the things she’d mention when she called to scold me which is the only time she’d call and knew how to comport myself in their presence so as not to give myself away.

I felt a shiver run down my spine and forced myself not to go too far down memory lane. There’s no use in letting my mind wander to the atrocities I endured because of her neglect and obvious disinterest; those days are long gone. I’d had a few blissful years without her, without the dark shadow of her existence hanging over my head, until she found me.

I bit into my nails as I paced back and forth in worry. Calen had been softening towards me last night, and sans the anal sex thing, which if I’m honest, I had enjoyed more than I had at any other time when we did it before, I was starting to believe that he might be willing to be less acidic towards me. There was no way that I could stay, but maybe we could work something out where we could both be in our son’s life.

If I were a good mother, I’d let him have our son, get him out of the line of fire, but my mind simply balks each time I think of it. And now, since seeing Calen again, I don’t know if I’d find the strength to walk away again.

Sometimes, like now, I’m mad at myself, at how weak I am in the face of someone like the monster and people like Dana. But maybe she’s right; maybe Calen and our son would be better off without me in their lives. It’s just so hard to face losing a second time around.

If only there were a way to escape my mother as I’d so bravely done in the past. But back then, I had only myself to think about. Now there’s Calen and my son. If only I could tell him the truth, what would he do? No, I can’t forget the threats the monster made against my son and the deal we made. She’d leave Calen alone let our baby live, only if I stay away from him. I dropped to the floor as my knees gave out at the hopelessness of it all.* * *CALEN* * *I had to take a few seconds to calm myself down after sending my woman and son from the room. This is the last thing I expected when I walked through the door, but many things were starting to make sense in the last few minutes. The woman standing before me has been a friend for longer than I’d been married. She’s someone I’d trusted, someone I’d turned to in my darkest hour, but now I see that it was all a mistake on my end.

I vaguely remember Giselle bringing up the question of whether or not Dana had feelings for me once; I remember that I’d brushed her off, telling her that there was no way. Now I see that my wife had seen something that I hadn’t. I had to push that all aside for now, though, and stay focused on the here and now. I could see it in her now that I was looking, the way she was trying to read me, the way she was gearing herself up to lie.

But I wasn’t interested in anything she had to say. I had only one question; there was only one thing I wanted to know, so when she started talking, I cut her off. “Calen, I…”

“When did you learn about her mother?” It was a long shot, but after overhearing what I just did, I went with my gut.

“I didn’t…”

“Don’t lie to me. I’ve known you for fourteen years, I know you as well as I know myself, now when?”

She fidgeted around and looked everywhere but at me, a sure indication that she didn’t want to face me, didn’t want to admit to what I was asking. “If you don’t want to lose my friendship, you’ll answer me, and before you do, know that any form of deceit will be grounds for severing all ties.” I knew that would get her.

“You can’t be…” I started to walk away, and she grabbed onto my arm, which I pulled away, disgusted with her and the whole sordid situation.

“Please don’t, don’t walk away from me Calen, I couldn’t bear that.” How had I missed that look of hunger in her eyes all these years? She wasn’t hiding it very well now and it was all there for me to see. I felt sick.