Dare To Love Again

She looked up when the two of us walked in, and her reaction, the way she nodded her head and smiled when she noticed our clasped hands-only left me with even more questions. It was as if she knew something that I didn’t, and when she walked over and kissed my cheek with a cryptic, ‘I’ll call you later about the planning,’ before saying her goodbyes, I was left even more at a loss.

I looked up to gauge Calen’s reaction to see if maybe he knew what she was talking about, only to find him staring at me with an unreadable expression on his face. His, ‘it’s okay, nothing to worry about’ left me feeling like I’d fallen down the rabbit hole.CalenAfter mom left, I spent the next few hours with my family. It was the first time there was no doubt or anger between her and I since she came back with my son, and it felt strange. I could tell she was a little nervous, probably waiting for the other shoe to drop and wondering what the hell was going on since I’d so drastically changed my attitude towards her.

I didn’t give her so much as a hint, so she had no idea that I knew what was going on or that I was already piecing together her reasons for leaving me and was plotting my next move even as we played with our son on the playroom floor. There was a lot I wanted to say to her to put her mind at rest, but it still felt too soon.

Her fear of her mother had caused her to give up everything and go into hiding before I have to make sure we don’t have a repeat of that shit this time around. That’s the one thing I’m still a bit salty about, truth be told, but I’ll deal with her later for not coming to me when she should’ve. For now, I just want to enjoy being with the two of them.

“I can see you have a million questions in your eyes each time you look at me; I’ll answer them all later. Let’s just enjoy our time with our son.” I reached for her hand and pulled her to my side, wrapping my arms around her stiff body before she relaxed and rested back against my chest so the two of us could watch our child bang away at the toy drums.

I guess it’s going to take her a minute to stop tensing up around me and expecting me to lash out, and I have no one to blame for that but myself. Still, as much guilt as I feel for the things I’d said and the way I’ve treated her, I refuse to carry all the blame for this shit show. The fact still remains that my wife had walked out on me without explanation.

She’d had my son and kept him from me. I’m willing to give her some leeway for thinking that she had no other choice but to do what she’d done. I have no experience with a crazy-ass mother who was capable of the things hers is, but I’m not willing to pretend that there was no basis for my anger.

So, though I’m willing to stop digging into her with my tongue, she still owes me for walking out on me and taking my seed with her. I’m not even sure how I feel about the fact that she didn’t trust me to take care of her, and no matter what, I still think she should’ve contacted me when she realized she was with child.

And yet, when she looks at me with those eyes of hers, I feel guilt like a son of a bitch. The thought that I’d mistreated her so horribly upon her return after the hell she must’ve been through trumps whatever I think I’m owed. That’s why I ended up dragging her onto my lap with my arms wrapped even tighter around her as my stupid heart broke over what I’d done to her since she came home.

“I’m sorry!” What the fuck! Shouldn’t she be the one apologizing to me here? So why is it that I feel like I’m the one who’d failed her? Who’d let her down? None of that seemed to matter now, though, when I felt her soft frame pressed into mine. I cared only that I now had a second chance, that I could now protect them both and keep them safe for all time.

It was on the tip of my tongue to bring it all up. To question her, but I knew deep down that if she wanted to share, she would’ve. Something was keeping her from revealing this truth that would’ve made all the misunderstandings between us disappear, something else for me to think about. I’m beginning to think that maybe her life had been threatened, hers and mine.