Dare To Love Again

Just thinking about that shit made me see red, and my mind went once again to Dana. There’s still a lot I needed to ask her, but I’ll admit that it’s a good thing mom showed up when she did, or I might’ve done something I’d regret later. Not because of any harm I might’ve caused her, but because I’d find it hard to live with myself if I crossed the line into getting physical with a female.

So I kept my mouth shut even though there were things I wanted to ask. The phone rang sometime later, and I walked away to answer the call from mom. “Are we having another big to-do, or should we stick to something smaller this time around?”

“What’re you talking about?”

“Your wedding, of course.”

There was a long silence before I found the right words to ask. “Whatever it is you do when you’re renewing your vows.”

“Come again? What do you mean, renewing? You only do that when you’re still married… Calen.”

“Yes, I never signed her divorce papers. I told you when I married her that she was going to be the only one. Mom, are you crying?”

“I’m so proud of you, you idiot.” Coulda fooled me.

“Does she know?”

“We haven’t had that conversation yet. What are you laughing at now?”

“That Dana twit sure is stupid.” She hung up the phone laughing like a lunatic, and I just shook my head and went back to my family.* * *Dinner was a strained affair. With the baby down for the night, there was no buffer between us, and as the night progressed, I found myself at a loss as to how to approach my wife. I couldn’t very well take her down to the floor and fuck her like I had before; the need to punish and or humiliate was no longer there, and if I touched her with all the tenderness I now feel once again towards her, it’d only raise questions I’m not ready to answer.

In the end, it was as simple as taking her hand and leading her to her bed when we reached the top of the stairs hours later when she decided it was time for bed. It was barely past eight, but who was I to argue. She didn’t speak, and neither did I, but I could see those same questions in her eyes. Because I still wasn’t ready to answer, I cupped her face with as much tenderness as I could muster when all I wanted was to fall on her and devour and drew her into me.

My hands shook as it was brought home to me that this was the first time since our reconciliation that I’d held her so gently or had such emotional feelings for her. With the anger and distrust gone, it was as if the years of separation had never been, and she was just my sweet Giselle, the woman I’d lost my heart to the first time I ever laid eyes on her.

“I missed you.” I hadn’t meant to say the words out loud, but there was no way of taking them back, so I caught her lips with mine once more as I pressed her back against the bed. Her warm, supple flesh felt familiar beneath my much larger hands as I moved them up and over her body.

The sweet sighs she made when I found her pussy with my fingers was music to my ears, and when I looked at her body and saw the marks left by my rough treatment of her earlier, I almost wept. I warred with myself as my lips softly kissed each mark I’d left. Part of me felt I’d done her a disservice, that I needed to make it up to her for the way I’ve been treating her, while the other side of me held fast that she was the one who screwed up no matter the reason.

If I apologize now, wouldn’t that be as good as saying that I accept the decisions she’d made not only to leave me but to keep the birth of my son a secret from me as well? I can’t bring myself to do it because I don’t feel that way, but I can at least make it up to her in other ways. I can show her some of the love and tenderness I’d given her once before. There’s no one else I want to share that with anyway; it all belongs to her. Always has, always will.

So even though I wasn’t going to give her the words, I set about showing her through touch that I was no longer angry at her. If she noticed the changes, she didn’t utter a word, but her body’s response told me that she was well aware that there was something different this time. She relaxed much faster and was no longer tense when I moved my hands over her body.