I wrapped some ice cubes in a wet washcloth and pressed it softly to one of the swollen spots on his face.
“How do you know about treating this kind of shit, anyway?”
“My dad used to come back from bars all beat to hell. Before I wised up, I used to care enough to try to help fix him up.”
Cassian’s eyes flicked up toward me. “You wised up? What does that mean?”
“It means I realized he wasn’t worth caring about.”
“Kind of ironic, isn’t it?”
I knew exactly what he was talking about—how I was currently taking care of someone who didn’t deserve to be taken care of. I chose not to acknowledge that, instead pressing the cloth a little too hard against his cut.
Cassian flinched, but said nothing. Even swollen and bloody, he still looked like some untouchable god—like his body was just a meaningless shell to him, and the mind inside wasn’t fazed by the pain.
I found myself looking at the tangled, warped skin on his back when he leaned forward to massage a bruised spot on his knee. We were both scarred, but he was the one who got to hide his from the world. I had to wear mine for everyone to see. “Does it hurt sometimes?” I gestured to his back.”
“Like an old man’s arthritis, I guess. It lets me know when rain is coming. Or when I dream about the fire… It always feels like—” He shook his head. “That’s my shitty superpower.”
I grinned. “Like you wake up and it’s on fire all over again. Yeah.”
Cassian picked up an ice cube, then got a look in his eyes.
“What?” I asked.
He reached toward me and cupped my chin, then pressed the ice into my mouth with his thumb. A second later, he was yanking me down toward him by the neck. My knees slipped on the wet tile and I barely caught myself on the edge of the tub. His mouth was on mine and his tongue felt like a wet sliver of sunlight against the cold of the cube.
We kissed like that for a little while longer, then he pulled the ice into his own mouth and leaned back, chewing it with a satisfied smirk on his face.
“What was that?” I demanded. I started to stand, irritated that I hadn’t pulled away immediately from the kiss. Cassian gripped my hand, urging me back down to my knees.
“Stay.”
“I’m not going to be your punching bag.”
“Maybe I was wrong. This morning, I mean.”
“Continue…”
“The things I said. I’m always so mad. At the world. At my dad. At you. Turns out, you’re the only one I can make bleed.”
“Why can’t you see it doesn’t make sense? I’m the closest thing to what happened that you can still touch. That doesn’t make me guilty. Look at me, Cassian. Listen to me, for once. My mom was trapped in a burning room. She was seconds away from burning alive and I was seven years old. I’d breathed in so much smoke I could barely see.”
His eyes fell. “And I would’ve done the same thing you did.”
“What?”
“I realize it now. You and me. My dad. We all made the same mistake. We risked our lives for fucking gestures. Pointless acts of heroism that don’t make a real difference. He died. She died. Both our lives got fucked up. And for what? So my dad could think he was a hero while he burned alive?”
“No. You’re wrong. It’s not pointless. What really makes a person valuable? The things they say and think they’d do if it was life or death? Or is it the things they really do? Actions. Your dad died because he believed in something enough that no price was too high.”
“That’s bullshit, and you know it.”
“It’s not. Words are cheap, Cassian. Of all people, you should know that. What really matters is what we do. What would you have thought of your dad if he didn’t try to save all of us?”
“Me of all people? What the hell does that mean?” The ice in the tub clattered when Cassian shifted his position. I could hardly believe he seemed so coherent when his face was as swollen as it was.
“It means you don’t scare me, because I know your words don’t tell the real story.”
He draped his arm over the tub, leaning closer and locking his half-lidded eyes on me. “And what is the real story?”
“That you probably did think you hated me at first. But it turned into something else. Something you didn’t want to admit you felt. So now you’re still trying to swallow your own lie. That you don’t care about me.”
“Is that right?”
“Try being honest for once. You tell me.”
Cassian’s jaw worked silently while he watched me from the tub. Then he hooked his hands under my arms and lifted me into the freezing water.