His mother lowered her chin and gave him a speculative look. “Just know that nice girls don’t come around often.”
“Hello, son.”
He and his mother turned to see his father approaching. Elijah said in a cool tone to his mother, “You didn’t tell me he was with you.”
“He had a meeting also. We rode in together,” she explained.
“Things appear to be in good order around here.” His father looked around the ER area. “Looks like you have done a fine job while Charles has been gone.”
“You didn’t think I could handle it?” Elijah knew the words sound childish the second they were said. His father had trusted him with the biggest secret of his life.
Sadness entered his father’s eyes. “Of course I knew you could handle it.”
Elijah nodded.
“Dr. Davenport,” the unit secretary said.
He and his fatherlooked at the woman.
“Elijah,” she said, a little red-faced.
He turned to his mother. “It’s good to see you. I’ve got to go.” He nodded in his father’s direction. “Dad.”
His parents’ visit lingered with Elijah as he went about seeing patients. His mother’s assessment of Helena was spot on. Helena was a good person. Someone who had no business being with someone like him. Why had he gotten her roped into his life? Asking a woman like her to get involved in an affair had been wrong. He’d used her to tease a neighbor. Used her.
Elijah knew how that felt. He’d been used by his father. No one deserved that kind of treatment. But wasn’t that what he was doing to Helena? He had no intention of giving her what she wanted and deserved. She’d made it clear when they’d talked at the wedding that she was interested in happily ever after and yet he’d pursued her anyway, always out for himself. For heaven’s sake, he had taken her in the on-call room as if she were just another one of his conquests.
He’d despised his father for years for doing something so similar. Not caring about others’ feelings. Not thinking beyond his needs to the needs of his family. And he had done the same thing, not looking past his own gratification enough to even consider Helena’s dream. He couldn’t believe what he had done, was still doing. It had to stop. Today. Helena was too important to him to let what was happening between them continue. No matter how much it hurt him to tell her their affair was over, he had to do it. He couldn’t tell her in the middle of the shift, though. It would have to wait until they were finished for the day. Then they could talk.
That afternoon he spent what time he could in the office, trying to see that the paperwork was all in place for Charles’s return. It gave him a good excuse not to have to face Helena.
When he was called to see patients, he managed not to have any contact with her. After the third time he passed her in the hall and said little, her eyes took on a worried look. Everything he did was wrong for her. This pain he was causing Helena was what he’d been avoiding for the last eighteen years. It was his code that if you had no emotional involvement, then you could walk away with no hurt feelings. It wasn’t going to happen this time. For Helena, and, he was afraid, for him either.
Both their replacements had arrived to relieve them before Elijah asked a passing nurse, “Have you seen Dr. Tate?”
“I think I saw her go into your office.” She hurried on her way.
Dread washed over him. Now was the time. His feet felt like they were in lead shoes. Despite the few yards he had to walk, it could have been a mile.
He entered the office and Helena immediately stood from where she’d been sitting in the lone chair in the room. Concern, a touch of fear and anger flashed through her eyes. “Elijah, just what’s going on? Did I do something wrong with a patient?”
Now he really did feel sick. He’d had her believing she’d not been giving quality patient care. “No, nothing like that. You haven’t done anything wrong with a patient.”
“Then what? You’ve hardly spoken to me all afternoon, much less looked me in the eyes. Something’s going on.” She’d taken a small step toward him.
Elijah forced himself to slip past her and put the desk between them. Still, his body was screaming for him to take her in his arms and reassure her. “Have a seat while we talk.”
Her lips thinned into a line. “Somehow I don’t think this is going to be a sit-down conversation.”
He couldn’t disagree with her. Now he had to say it. His mouth went dry, making him force the words out. “Helena, there’s no nice way for me to say this but we’re over. I can’t, won’t, continue our affair.”
“Why?” She said the word so softly he almost missed it. Her hands were clasped in front of her, her knuckles white. She watched him closely, as if noting every nuance.
He didn’t want to answer. If he did truthfully, he’d be stepping into an area that he didn’t want to enter. A place he’d never gone with anyone else. “We agreed on until Grace and Charles returned. It’s only two days early.”
“So why now?” Her voice was stronger this time, suspicious.
She wasn’t going to let it go. “Because I never should have talked you into a fling to begin with. You’re not that type of woman.”
Helena harrumphed. “Have you looked at me?”
He had. All of her. She’d been beautiful then and was now. That was part of the problem. She was as amazing on the inside as she was on the outside.
“I’m a grown woman. I have and will continue to make my own choices. I could have said no. Besides...” she lifted a shoulder “...that might have been an argument four days ago but it isn’t one now.” She let her hands hang at her sides. She raised her chin. “You know what I think? I think you’re falling for me. The playboy who has never met a woman he couldn’t leave behind has met his match and now he’s running. From commitment, from possible fatherhood, from any real happiness you are being offered. You care for me and you’re scared.”
Elijah suspected she was correct. But if she really knew him she wouldn’t like the man he was. “I’m not good enough for you.”
“Don’t you think that’s my decision to make?” she all but snapped.
Why didn’t Helena just accept the inevitable and leave? This was becoming more difficult by the minute. “If you really knew me you wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me.”
“I would argue that I know you better than most. I not only know that spot on your ribs where you flinch but how deeply you care about your patients. Like the concern and pride you showed when you brought Marcy’s baby into the world. Or all the hundreds of other patients I’ve seen you care for over the years. I know you’re an exceptional physician and manager or Charles wouldn’t have left you in charge. I know you’re respected by your peers. I think you’re one of the best doctors I’ve ever worked with, and I’ve worked with many fine doctors. I know you went into your family business yet you talk like you don’t want to have anything to do with them. But you were in your brother’s wedding. I’ve seen how much your nephews love you.
“You can’t have it both ways. You either care or you don’t. I believe you care. So you can’t say I don’t know you. What I don’t know is why you won’t accept that about yourself. Why is that?”
He should have expected Helena would see through his façade. “It’s complicated.”
“You’ve said that before. We all have complicated
lives. Mine certainly has been. So uncomplicate it. What I think is that you’re afraid to admit you care. You think it’s a weakness. You’re just plain old-fashioned afraid.”
She was pushing him into a corner. “This isn’t what I wanted to talk about.”
“Maybe it’s what you need to talk about. Apparently, you’re hiding from it.”
Elijah took a step toward her. His thighs bumped the edge of the desk. Anger burned in him. Not at Helena but at himself. She just wouldn’t listen. Didn’t she understand he was doing this for her? To save her? Didn’t she get that he didn’t even understand what love was? Would never trust his feelings. “I’m not hiding anything that has to do with us.”
“You’re only fooling yourself,” she spat. “I’ve been right there with you for the greater part of a week and all of a sudden you say you’re done. Can’t even make it another two days. Come on, Elijah, give me more credit than that. I know there’s something deeper behind this.”
He glared at her. To Helena’s credit she didn’t back away. She was tough despite her fairy-tale idea of life. He stepped around the desk and into her personal space. “Okay, you want the whole dirty truth? I’ll give it to you. Tell you what kind of person you’ve been involved with. I knew my father had been having an affair, that there was a love child, and I kept his secret for years.” He stepped back, watching her.
Helena gasped but her eyes never left him.
“Yeah, you heard that right. I knew. I lied to my mother, my brothers and sister. Worse, I let them be blindsided by the media. I went around for years knowing about Miranda. I didn’t say a word.” He pointed to his chest. “I did that. Kept my father’s ugly secret when he asked me to. You’re good and fine and I’ll only drag you down. I can’t be your knight. I’m tarnished. You can’t shine me up no matter what you do. You need someone who wants the same things as you do. Who doesn’t carry heavy baggage!”
He could no longer look at her. Why didn’t she leave in disgust? Here he was, spilling his guts to a woman he was pushing away. He really was losing control of his life. There was a long silence between them before he looked up. Helena was scowling at him.