She stood up, and I knew she was losing her temper, and that was fine because mine was already lost. “Me? You’re the one who’s judging me, Jo! I don’t want to be alone, okay? And that’s fine. You’re so obsessed with being a know-it-all that you forget the most important part of being a strong woman!”
I was nearly shaking with rage. How was she pissed at me? I wasn’t judging her . . . maybe I was, but so was she. She wasn’t the only victim here.
“And what exactly is that? Enlighten me!” I shouted back, pushing myself off the bed.
“The choice, Jo! It’s all about my choice as a woman. If I want to spend my time being a hands-on parent and at fund-raisers and family outings—I fucking can! I can do whatever I want! If you want to move to some big city, break up with Laurie and focus on yourself, go ahead! I’m not the one judging you! But at least I know what I want!”
I couldn’t believe her. “You don’t know what you’re talking about! You can’t even choose between Shia and freaking John! John Brooke, who’s as boring as a snail, or Shia—who actually makes you act like a decent human being!”
The bedroom door opened, and Amy burst into the room. I couldn’t stand to be around either of them, but when I tried to leave, Meg blocked me.
“Me? Look in the fucking mirror, Jo! You’re a high school kid trying to tell me about life? You have Laurie right in front of you, waiting on you hand and foot, and just because you don’t label it, that makes it better than me? If you don’t commit to him, I hope he finds a nice girl in Italy who will.”
Ouch. “Fuck you, Meg.”
I pushed past her and ran down the stairs. Mom was pulling into the driveway when I walked past the front window, so I went out the back door. I stormed across the yard and couldn’t believe the nerve of my sister. I knew exactly what I had with Laurie, and Laurie knew me better than she ever had.
I knew there was some truth in her words, and I wanted to prove her wrong about me. I knew what I wanted.
Laurie and New York. I could have both, unlike Meg. I frantically knocked on the Laurences’ door, but no one answered. I knocked again, impatiently hopping from one foot to the other until I finally turned the knob to see if the door was locked. It wasn’t, so I walked in toward the stairs. I didn’t hear the TV blaring, so I assumed Old Mr. Laurence wasn’t home.
My heart was racing. I hoped Laurie was home. I hoped he even wanted to see me.
I should have thought about that before knocking on his bedroom door, but I wasn’t thinking about anything except seeing him. And there I was. Not in the sexiest outfit, not with freshly brushed teeth. What if he had a girl here? He wouldn’t do that. I knew he wouldn’t.
Just before I changed my mind and turned around, Laurie opened his door, looking confused and pissed off and so beautiful. He was so soft, so tender, compared to what I thought boys were going to be like. He listened to me, helped me, taught me. He had been there for me through all this shit with my family, and he was standing in front of me, waiting for me to speak.
“Hi,” I said, out of breath now that he was in front of me.
“Hi.”
I grabbed on to his shirt, pulling him to kiss me. Every part of me was bursting open, unsure if he would push me off or pull me in, and I moaned in relief when he wrapped his arms around my waist, crushing my body to his.
“What are you—”
“I’m sure. I’m positively sure. We can make it work. You can go anywhere, Italy . . .”
His tongue burned my skin as it traced around my pulse. When he pulled away, I missed the taste of him so badly that it hurt. It was that quick. It was like a switch had been turned on inside my body and the pressure in my stomach, throbbing in expectation, was going to rip me in half, I was sure of it.
“Yeah?” He licked at the most tender skin of my neck.
“I want . . .” I didn’t know how to say it, but wanted to stay in control. “You.”
I pushed at his shoulders, then found his mouth and kissed him, and led him to his bed. He fell back first and I climbed on top of his lean body. His T-shirt rode up past his belly button; the freckles dotted his tan skin like sprinkled seeds. His eyes were huge, blown-out black ink spots writing words that only I could read. I could feel his body reacting to me, and I thought about it. I knew this would change everything. I would always remember who I gave my virginity to. Always.
“I love you. I think.”
His body froze and his hands touched either side of my face, bringing my eyes to his. “You love me?”
I nodded. “I think so.”
He smiled and it touched his dark eyes, and his mouth touched my lips and he whispered, “I do, too.”
I loved him. I was in love for the first time. My life was complicated, and my future was totally up in the air, but I knew that I was in love with Laurie and there was absolutely nowhere I’d rather be than where I was, and that was what it was supposed to be, what this confusing mess of life was about.
I reached for the bottom of my shirt and lifted it over my head. Laurie searched my face, and I nodded, reaching for his hands and putting them on my breasts.
“I want you,” I said again.
“You’re sure, or you think?” He smiled.
I rolled my eyes at him playfully.
“It’s going to hurt,” he told me. It wasn’t romantic or sugary at all. But it didn’t need to be. That wasn’t how life, or my relationship with Laurie, was.
“I know. I’m going to bleed and probably cry.” I scrunched up my nose.
He laughed, biting at my neck.
“Okay, okay. I know the precautions. Let’s just kiss a while and see—”
I kissed his lips and he rolled us over. I wasn’t afraid of what was coming. I’d always wondered if I would be. Meg’s first time was complete shit. I knew for sure mine would be better than that. Laurie told me how much he loved every part of me as he made his way down my body . . . I was breathing just fine, everything was calm, Laurie’s mouth was so sweet between my thighs, and my head was clear and I wanted every second of this.
It did hurt, just as bad as I thought it would, but Laurie was so gentle, and we were both a little clumsy, and I loved him even more as I lay next to him and he told me about how many times he’d thought about this happening, but never actually thought it would. I loved how honest he was with me.
Afterward, when we’d been silent and cuddled there, I said, “I don’t feel any different.”
“Are you supposed to?” He rolled over and kissed my forehead.
I shrugged. “Yeah. I think so.”
“So I failed?” he teased, and kissed me when I nodded.
My phone rang a few times, and I watched my sister’s name flash up and then finally disappear.
“I need to go. I have to apologize to her.”
“Did you come here, like just for that?” He looked at
my naked body wrapped around his.
I shook my head. “Sort of?”
Laurie made me laugh, and I almost thought about repeating what we just did, but I had to get home.
When I walked home, each step my shoe made on the grass, I felt more and more powerful. I was blissful, not horrified.
I was loved, not used.
Meg opened the door just as I reached the porch. She stepped out and closed the door behind her.
“I’m sorry,” I said at the same time she did.
“Me, too, Jo.”
“You were right, you know. About Laurie.” I looked in Meg’s eyes, and she took in my face and opened her mouth into a big O.
“You!” she said loudly, then whispered, “Oh my God. You did it. Oh my God.”
“Meg. Seriously.” I laughed, covering my mouth.
“Jo, oh my God. Beth has a girl in there, you had sex with Laurie, and I’m leaving the country Tuesday. I just told Mom and Dad.”
I thought about hugging Meg, but I didn’t know if I should, so I followed her inside and passed Amy sleeping on the couch. I still thought Meg should say something to her about the emails, but I would let Meg decide what to do about that.
“Mom and Dad are in their room,” Beth said from the couch.
She was sitting next to a pretty Japanese girl who looked familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on where I knew her from. They were watching the end of one of the Halloween movies, the third one, I thought.
Beth had never had a friend over before, and it made me happy. I was so exhausted—my body was aching from Laurie, from work, from not enough sleep. Things were changing so much, so fast.
My sisters and I were getting better at figuring out this thing called life, and I felt more ready to take on this big, small world with them and the rest of my sisters around the world.
acknowledgments
This book is so different from anything I’ve ever written, and I questioned myself nearly every page, until my favorite humans reminded me why I was writing this story. I often question myself—every second of every page. As a writer, I’m not supposed to say that, but I totally do.
I love this story, these Spring sisters, and in these acknowledgments, I want to thank my “sisters”—a.k.a. the women around me who encourage me to be my best self and live my best life: Rebecca, Jen, Ruth, Erika, Nina, Erin—you guys are my tribe, and I love you for your friendship, kindness, encouragement, and constant support for finishing this book, and for life in general.