Can't Let Her Go

There is a pain inside me worse than any beating Anakin has given me as I walk back to the clock to wait. I have to put on a good show. I have to wait a reasonable time before I go hunting for her. I’ll send a message to Anakin, because to just show up without her would be suicide. If he tells me to keep looking for a day or two, I’ll keep pretending to look.

If he tells me to come home, maybe I’ll fly to Boston instead of Detroit. I can last a while in Boston or New York. Or maybe I’ll just go home. I’m a pathetic piece of shit and the best thing I can do is let Anakin put me out of my misery.

People rush past as I stare into nothing. She wasn’t mine. She was never mine. I could never have had her. It’s better this way. My life is shit, anyway. I could never have given her what she deserved. She deserves to be treated like a Princess.

“Here you are,” a voice says from behind me.

For a second I freeze. It cannot be. It just cannot be. Then I turn around slowly, my shock impossible to hide.

She pushes some kind of food into my hand wrapped up in wax paper.

“It’s a blini,” she adds. “It’s good, very good.”

I look at the blini in my hand and then at her. She smiles that beautiful, angelic smile of hers, and I just can’t believe she’s done this. Why did she come back? Why didn’t she just keep going? I know for sure she wasn’t slipping out to get some food for me. I could tell by the way she hurried that she was running away. And it’s what I would have done too. Why did she come back to face a fate worse than death?

Was it for me?

I look down at the food and then back at her. No one, no one has ever done such a thing for me. Cared enough for me to put my interest before their own. I’m stunned, speechless and bewildered. She makes it seem like nothing, but it touches me. It’s something a good person does. And it changes everything. Every fucking thing.

“Eat,” she urges with a laugh. “Eat.”

And something inside me melts. It’s the jagged pieces of ice inside my heart. Suddenly, I’m warm in a way I’ve never been before. She gave up her freedom, maybe her life for me.

I take a bite of the blini. She’s right. It’s good. It’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted in my life. Through one of the glass windows the sun shines through.

Life is beautiful. More beautiful than I ever suspected.

Katya

I’m not one hundred percent sure why I came back. My head said I should keep on going, that it would be an utterly stupid move to go back, that I should find a new life in Moscow, but my heart, my poor, stupid, young heart wouldn’t let me take one more step away from him. My heart only remembered all the white scars on his body. So many and some of them so deep. They’re everywhere. On his back, on his thighs, his arms, his chest. There is even one on his penis. I could feel the thick, raised skin against my tongue when I took him into my mouth.

I know without being told that Anakin is responsible for all of them.

As a child, I was hit only once by my father, and even then he came and sat on my bed that night and apologized for losing his temper. I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of childhood Hunter must have had. I feel angry for what happened and I know Anakin will hurt him badly if I run away while I’m under Hunter’s care, therefore I will go with him to America, but once he has passed me over to Anakin, I will do what I did to the big brute back in the farmhouse if I have to. I will kill Anakin. I know now I’m able to kill any man who threatens my survival.

But I will never be the reason Anakin gets to hurt Hunter again. Even if he doesn’t want me, he is my man and I’ll protect what is mine.

Hunter looks into my eyes, and there is something different about him. It’s like his eyes are shining with something, but I don’t know what. I just know I feel goosebumps all over my skin. It’s crazy, wild and amazing, but I dare not hope.

He has disappointed me before.

“I will make you a promise,” he says in a shaking voice. “Anakin will not hurt you. I’ll see to that and if he cuts off your parents, I’ll make the payments.”

I smile at him. “You promise?”

“I promise.” He leans closer, intimately close. “I will not let anyone hurt you, not Anakin, not fucking anyone. Do you understand? I don’t know how you feel about me, and I’ll understand if you don’t like me. It’s not easy to warm to a man who has killed people, but I’ll take care of you Katya. Until you tell me to stop, I’ll be there for you.”

I want to tell him that I more than like him. I think I might even have fallen in love with him. He kept me alive in a blizzard, saved me from being raped and killed by a beast, and he has been true to me in his fashion, but I remember how he rebuffed me when I asked him to run away with me to Florida, so I’ll proceed carefully. “You will take care of me in America? I mean, until I can find a job?”

“I’ll take care of you under any circumstances. And I promise that you will love America. It’s the greatest country in this world or any other.”

I nod. I know both of us are ignoring the elephant in the room. Anakin! And what he will do when he finds out I’m not a virgin.

Hunter lifts my chin and kisses me. Anyone watching will think we are young lovers on our way to a sun-drenched holiday or something, they don’t know we are fugitives and what lies before us is a monster called Anakin. I like his kiss, it tells me what he cannot. I would like to have sex with him again, but the kiss will have to do for now.

He takes my hand and pulls me toward another exit. I go happily with him. I have given up my plan to stay in Moscow. I will go to America. I will trust. My heart will not allow me to do anything else.

Outside, we find a taxi that will take us to the airport. The taxi is dirty and cold, but I no longer care much. I’m excited about being with him. I don’t care what’s waiting for us in the future, as long as I’m with him. I’ve read great Russian literature and there’s nothing in there like what I feel. The intensity of what I feel shocks me. We don’t speak in the taxi, but it doesn’t matter because we sit so close together I can feel the heat from his body and his hand never let’s go of mine.

At the airport, he takes over again and is quickly able to secure us seats on a plane to London. I’ve never been on a plane before and I feel excited about it. Hunter hands me my passport. To my surprise, I find it is an American passport and though it has my photo in it, I’m identified as an American woman.

The plane leaves in an hour, which suits Hunter v

ery well. He wants to get out of Russia as soon as he can. The connecting flight from London to Detroit is for the next day, which means we will have to spend a day and a night in London. That suits me. Even if everything goes to pot later, I will have that one night with him in a hotel room.

I will make it a special night.

Hunter

Everything goes more smoothly than I could have hoped for. I think she must be feeling that same relief because as soon as we sit, she orders a vodka, smiles broadly and greets the woman sitting in front as if they are old friends. When the alcohol arrives, she throws it down her throat and orders another one. I love to see her so thrilled about something and it kills me to tell her to go easy. Alcohol loosens lips, and I don’t want her speaking to the woman in front or anyone else about her escapades. Also, she has the wrong accent for an American woman.

While we’re practically out of harm’s way, we’re not there yet. We do something stupid, and the police will pick us up in London. I have no illusions about what will happen then. Being an American with a police record is a recipe for disaster.

The plane backs away from the gate and taxis toward the runway. Outside, I can see snow beginning to fall. I have a sudden urge to abandon Detroit and move to Florida. It never snows in Florida, or so I’ve been told. And they have alligators there. We pause at the runway, and the pilot tells us that we’re third in line. I’d like to be first, but third will suit just fine.

The snow can’t get that bad in the next ten minutes.

It doesn’t. Once we’re off the ground, I breathe more easily. I’m off Russian soil, and that’s a big deal. My chances of being arrested for murder have gone way down. When we land in London, I’ll be even happier.