“Will he not be going?”
“I don’t think so, but I’m not a hundred percent sure. I’ll check with Sophia and let you know.”
I feel an odd heaviness settling in my chest. It’s better this way. The more time I spend with him the worse it is going to be. “No. It’s okay. Don’t worry about asking Sophia. I would like to go back to Surrey.”
“Fine, I’ll arrange that for you,” she says with a happy smile.
After I hammer out a query letter, I tackle writing a CV of sorts. It unfortunately has to be very short on account of the fact that I have never worked a day in my life, and my talents are non-existent to say the least. It will have to do. I email everything to Celine. While I am deciding if I should go out to the garden for a while, Nigel texts me. I lock my bedroom door and call him back.
“Hey,” he says, and I clutch the phone hard. His voice is familiar and warm. He loves me. When all this is over he will be there for me.
“Hi,” I say softly.
“How are you?”
“Fine.”
“Miss me?” he asks. His voice is wheedling. He needs to hear me say it, but I can’t. Not after what I did last night with another man.
“Where are you?” I ask.
“At home.”
“Why aren’t you at work?”
“I didn’t feel good. I’m seriously thinking of leaving my job. I need to get away from all those old familiar things that remind me of my old addiction. I need new places, new faces, and new experiences if I am to beat this.”
“I’m glad to hear that you are taking your recovery process so seriously.”
“Damn right I’m serious about this. Look what I’ve done, Star. I’ve nearly destroyed us. I made a mistake, but I’ve changed. I wish you could see me now. Two days in and I already feel so good and empowered.”
“Imagine what you’ll be like by the time I see you.”
“I can’t wait one month to see you, Star.”
I lean against the bathroom door. “One month is not a long time.”
“Fuck, if only you were in London and not in Surrey.”
“I’m not in Surrey.” I bite my tongue as soon as I say it.
“Where are you then?”
“London.”
“What?”
“Yeah, I’m in Mayfair.”
“Star. You’ve got to come and see me.”
“No. Nikolai will be furious.”
“For god’s sake, I’m your husband.”
“No. I can’t come to you. It’ll be a mess.”
“Can’t you just make an excuse and come over? Tell him you’re going shopping or something?
“I can’t go anywhere alone. I have to take the driver everywhere. He’ll find out.”
“What a control freak. Hang on, I have an idea. Why don’t you call Rosa and ask her if we can use her flat for half-an-hour? You keep a key to her flat here don’t you?”
“Yes, but—”
“Come on, Star. I just want to see you. It’ll give me the strength to be strong. You’re my rock. I need this. Please, Star. I may never get another chance to see you again for a month.”
“Rosa’s not going to like it.”
“She’s not that fucking selfish and petty, is she?”
I sigh.
“Please, Star. I just want to see you. Five minutes.”
“I’ll have to call Rosa first.”
“I’ll be waiting here.”
I hang up and wince. I know it’s a bad idea, but I can’t say no to Nigel. Besides, it will be good for me to remind myself that Nigel is my husband. The one that I owe my allegiance and loyalty to. The one I’m doing all this for.
I call Rosa and at first she says no. She doesn’t want Nigel in her apartment and it would make her vomit to think of him naked anywhere on her furniture.
I assure her that neither Nigel or me will be getting naked in her apartment and she reluctantly agrees. I call Nigel back and tell him where Rosa’s key is. We agree to meet right after I have seen my dad.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Star
When I come down after seeing my dad I get into the car and, as casually as I can, tell Oleg that I need to go and see a friend. He nods politely and I give him Rosa’s address.
“Wait here for me, please,” I instruct, and quickly walk up the path to her building’s entrance.
I’m so nervous my hands are shaking as I ring on the doorbell. Nigel buzzes me up immediately.
By the time I get to the fourth floor he is waiting for me outside the lift. He looks well, very well. There is no trace of sadness or regret in his face. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
He smiles at me and I smile back at him. With complete confidence, he curls his arm around my back possessively, and leads me into her apartment. Inside, he wraps his arms around me and tries to kiss me, but I evade him.
“Don’t,” I mutter, and walk away from him.
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. I just need a bit of time.”
He looks at me strangely. “Okay.”
“So how are you?”
He shrugs. “Without you, I’m nothing, Star.”
“It sure doesn’t look like it,” I mutter under my breath.
He walks up to me and touches my hair, his eyes pained. “Star? Why did you say that? I’m putting on a happy face because I don’t want to spoil the little time we have together.”
I look up deep into his eyes. He is not lying. But you never could tell when he was lying, could you? I ignore that voice of reason and let myself believe him. I love him. I know I love him. Of course, I love him. What I have with Nikolai is just lust. Sex. It will burn itself out. I know that. This is the real thing.
He bends his head and lets his lips gently brush mine. I stiffen.
“I want to make love to you, Star,” he says.
“No,” I gasp.
“Why not?”
“I can’t,” I gasp.
“Why not?”
“I’m not a whore, Nigel. I can’t go from his bed to yours. Just like that,” I cry.
“Jesus, Star. I’m your fucking husband.”
I cover my face with my hands. “I know. I know, but I just can’t do it. Not here. Not in Rosa’s apartment.”
“She’ll never know. Come on.”
“I promised her we wouldn’t do it here.”
“What a fucking selfish lesbian bitch! Why should she care if we fuck?”
I take a step back. “Stop being horrible about her, Nigel. Please,” I cry angrily. It seems easier to fight about Rosa than deal with what is really going on.
He seems to take a hold of himself and forces a smile. “I didn’t come here to fight with you about Rosa, Star. I just want to talk to you. Why don’t we sit down and talk, hmmm?”
“I can’t. The driver is waiting downstairs.”
“Fuck’s sake, Star. He’s a driver. That’s his fucking lot in life. He waits around all day for people.”
I look at him astonished as if I have never seen him before. This arrogance. Where did it come from? Was it always there?
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just hurt and angry and I’m lashing out on all the wrong people. Of course, you have to go. It’s okay. I’m glad I got to see you, and see for myself that you are well.”
“Yeah, I’m well.”
He pauses. “He doesn’t do anything kinky to you, does he?”
I flush to the roots of my hair. “No,” I croak.
“I’ll kill him if he hurts a hair on your head,” he thunders.
My head starts to hurt. “I got to go.”
“Won’t you even kiss me before you go?”
I walk up to him and press my lips against his. I don’t know what I expect, but I feel nothing. He wraps his arms around me and deepens the kiss. His tongue seeks entry, hooks my tongue into his mouth and sucks it ardently. My mind stays alert. It tells me it’s getting late. He slips his other han
d down and tries to lift up my skirt.