The angrier she became on my behalf, the sadder and smaller I felt. ‘Free me, please,’ I said, my voice trembling with shame and confusion.
Immediately she set about releasing me. I rubbed my skin where the leather had left red marks. Misty held out my gown and I quickly covered my nakedness. I tied the sash at my waist and forced myself to meet her eyes. They were pitying. ‘Come,’ she said. ‘I’ll take you to your room.’
I would not have pity from anyone. I raised my chin. ‘No, I know the way. Please go back to bed. I’ll be fine. I just need to be alone.’
‘All right, if you are sure.’
‘Yes.’
‘Goodnight then.’
She turned and walked toward the door.
‘Misty?’
‘Yes?’
‘Thank you.’
I stood watching the fire and listening to her footsteps fade. Then I glanced at the bed, the shackles, the blood-smeared sheet. Going to the bed I ripped the sheet off and bundled it. I held it pressed against my stomach and felt cold and alone. I dropped it on the bed and walked to the window, and, pulling aside the disintegrating velvet curtains, looked out. It was a still night with a large, low moon in the sky.
I hugged myself and thought about my life. How long would I have to be here? I had to find a way to make him talk to me. I had to find a way to persuade him to bring my brother into this country. I had nothing I could use other than my body. So be it. In the reflection of the windowpane I saw myself. I appeared white and sad. Slowly, I let the dressing gown drop and watched myself in the glass. I looked at the ghostly reflection of myself until I was so cold my goose bumps scattered my body. I picked up my dressing gown and put it back on. My body ached.
I turned away from the window and, leaving the room, walked toward my bedroom at the end of the next wing. In my bedroom I took off the gown and stood under the spray of a hot shower. I touched myself between my legs curiously. My flesh felt sore and sensitive. I thought of him. How acutely aware I had been of him. I had heard nothing and no one, and sensed nothing but his every move and sound. He had commanded my entire attention.
He must be very strong. I remembered that when he had first entered my body the pain was so sharp it was like being stabbed and I had instinctively jumped away from him, but his powerful hands had tightened on my hips and held me so powerfully that I could move not even an inch while he had slowly filled me up. The sensation of being full and stretched was so foreign.
Maybe I was shocked that he had made me climax. The woman had tried until I was sore and she had never managed. Eventually I had learned to pretend. To make my body go rigid and to moan the way she did. It seemed to satisfy and please her.
I remembered again the way my orgasm had overtaken my body. So powerfully that I had been afraid that something horrible was happening to me. I had opened my mouth to shout out in fear when the sensation of falling away was suddenly replaced by an intense and indescribable pleasure I had never experienced before. Then hot lights behind my eyelids and my heart fluttering like a bird in distress. It had shocked me to the core.
I got out of the shower and rubbed myself with a towel and noticed the bluish-black finger marks Guy had left on my hips and thighs. They did not hurt. I let the dressing gown slide to the floor. In the mirror I saw that my mouth was swollen. I dressed in my nightgown, lay on the bed, and fell asleep almost immediately. As I slept, right at the edge of my awareness, I sensed someone come into the room and stand over me.
Chapter 13
I had slept badly, again hearing the baby crying and the woman weeping, and woke up early. The storm was well and truly over. I stretched and realized that I was still sore between my legs, but I was full of curiosity about my surroundings. I rolled out of bed and headed for the bathroom. Weak sunshine filtered in through the tiny windows, but it was lovely and warm and I stood for a long time under a blissfully hot shower. Just as I had finished my toilette there was a knock on the door and Misty walked in.
‘Are you all right?’ she asked.
‘Yes, I’m fine.’ I released my hair from its topknot.
But she carried on looking at me anxiously, as if I was suffering from something terminal.
‘Don’t worry, I’m really all right,’ I said, with a confident smile.
She smiled back. ‘I was worried about you. You looked bad last night.’
‘I’m good this morning,’ I said very firmly. Pity I did not want. From anybody.
‘You know that I have to take you to the room again tonight?’
I shrugged nonchalantly. ‘Of course.’
‘Right. See you at breakfast.’
I got dressed and went downstairs. There were voices and sounds coming from the breakfast room, but even though I was ravenously hungry, I didn’t want to see anybody so I slipped out of the front door and went for a walk.
The air was crisp and it felt good to be outdoors again. But the same disrepair that was inside the house was reflected outside. Statues covered in lichen and moss, water features choked in weeds, and a rose arbor that was so wild and full of brambles and thorns that it was not possible to walk under it. It was sad.
I walked up to the tree that had come down in the storm. It was very pitiful. I tried to imagine what the tree might have seen in its lifetime of more than three hundred years and could not. I kept on walking until I came to a Gothic chapel cemetery. The door was locked so I could not go in.
By the time I went back it was nearly two. I had missed lunch and I was hungry, but there was no one around in the breakfast room. I didn’t dare go down to the kitchen because I didn’t think Mrs. Littlebell would appreciate it. In fact the entire castle seemed deserted and silent except for the ticking of the grandfather clock by the main staircase. I wondered where Guy was and what he was doing. Or what Misty actually did for Guy.
In my room I found a ham and salad sandwich rolled up in paper and a Thermos flask of hot chocolate on a tray. There was a note from Misty saying that there was a coffee machine in the breakfast room that was kept on all day and I should help myself if I wanted any.
Carefully, I took the meat out of the sandwich and wrapped it up in the paper the sandwich had come in. Then I sat on the bed and ate the meatless sandwich. I finished the hot drink and thought about going downstairs to see if Misty was about, but I must have been more tired than I thought because I fell asleep. By the time I woke up it was already dark outside.
I switched on the lights and went downstairs to the saloon. Misty looked up from some papers. ‘Hello, you’ll be pleased to know that the piano has been tuned.’
‘Good,’ I said.
‘Will you play something for me?’
I went to the piano and opened it. The smell had changed. I closed my eyes for a moment. Memories flooded my brain. Tears came to my eyes. I opened my eyes, and damn it, but water started to leak from them. I didn’t want Misty to know that I was crying so I didn’t wipe them away. They flowed down my cheeks and dripped onto my jeans while I played. It was an old, sad song that my mother had taught me.
When I had finished Misty stood from her chair and came to me.
She was holding a box of tissues. ‘You really are very good. I don’t think I have ever heard anyone play so well outside of a concert.’
I pulled out a couple of tissues and wiped my face and blew my nose. ‘Thank you.’
‘Don’t forget I have to take you to see Guy again tonight.’ Her eyes slid away from mine.
As if it was something I could forget. ‘Of course. What time?’
‘Same as yesterday.’
I nodded.
*****