“If only it was that easy. Look, man, I don’t want to fight with you. I already heard the lecture from Reed.” I move around, my skin starting to crawl at where this conversation is headed.
He shakes his head in disgust. “You love her.”
“Yeah, I love her.” I lean my head out the window, letting the cool breeze kiss my face. “But she deserves better. Love is not the problem.”
“I get you, David. We’re more alike than you think. I wasted so much time fighting my feelings for Eve. It’s fucking juvenile.”
“Blade.” I turn my head to look at his profile as he weaves in and out of traffic. “I’m not you. Charlie wants things that…” I clear my voice as I tell him my fears. “Charlie wants and deserves things that I’m not sure I’m capable of giving her.”
“What can’t you give?” He frowns as if he truly is confused.
“Everything. Kids, a house, and knowing Charlie, a dog. All things I’m not sure I can do.” My chest tightens as I rub at it and turn to look out at the freeway.
“Why?”
“Why what?” I snap.
“Why can’t you do that?”
“You’re joking, right?” I’m not even trying to hide my bitterness.
“I’m president of the best MC on the West Coast. I do all that.”
I snort and rub the back of my neck. There’s a big fucking knot in it. “I’m not you, not even close. I shouldn’t have come back.”
He looks at me with a stupid grin on his face. “I have faith in you, man. If I can get it together… something tells me you can.”
“Ha. You sound like Reed. Not everybody gets a happily ever after. Some of us get fucked.”
He ignores me and exits the freeway heading toward the clubhouse. Before I can even ask why, he says, “We’re having a welcome home party for you, asshole.”
Blade turns down the long gravel driveway, the dirt and rocks crunching as I smell the citrus trees and smoke from the huge bonfires. Music is pumping from the outdoor speakers as we pull up.
Blade slams it into park and turns. “David, besides my wife and kids, you’re the last of my blood. I think you should stay. Get your woman, make a life.”
A slam of the front door makes me look up at the clubhouse porch as Axel comes out holding James Dean’s hand. I blink and lean forward.
“Is that Axel with your kid?” Axel laughs at something James Dean says like they are best buddies even though James is not yet two.
“Yeah, it’s fucking Axel. I swear to God he’s got some kind of bond with my kid. I keep telling Eve he needs his own.” He grumbles as he exits the Tahoe moving toward them.
Clapping his hands, James Dean runs right over to him, and again, that squeezing in my chest reappears.
Blade lifts him and throws him in the air as his chubby legs kick and he lets out that addictive baby laugh that makes you laugh uncontrollably.
Axel looks over at me. I ignore him. This place holds so many memories. Good, bad, but there is not a space, corner that I don’t know.
I guess this is my home. It has all the people I love, so why am I moving in slow motion? Why am I looking for the one thing I can’t have?
“So you’re still alive?” I turn to stare into Axel’s startling blue eyes.
“Some people just don’t die.” I reach into my pocket for another cigarette.
“Well, if they keep trying, eventually they’ll succeed.” He walks away, grabbing a dark-haired girl and bringing her into the house.
Fucking Axel. I clutch my pendant. The warm metal makes me take it off to look at it. Closing my eyes I ask for her forgiveness for the thousandth time, but this will be my last. I shove it into my pocket.
Smoke, burgers, and citrus fill my senses and it’s at this very second that I know what I need to do.
All the ghosts still reside within me. They will always be my friend or my foe. They don’t take over anymore but remind me that every second matters.
“Go do it. Get it over with.” My eyes jerk to Edge’s. We’re silent letting the magnitude of his words sink in.
“It’s time, man. You’re never getting over it. Trust me, I’ve tried. Go do it.” He tosses me the keys to his bike.
As I catch them, I realize this is how it was always supposed to play out. I’m not scared. Edge has always been the one to understand me. Always gets that sometimes things don’t happen the way we think they should. You either deal with them, or you take your brother’s keys and do everybody a fucking favor.
“Fuck you, Edge.” My eyes get misty. He nods and grabs me in a tight hug.