This morning, I’d thought about flying to Connecticut. But then my mother had knocked on my door without my father. She sat me down, asking what was going on and if I was alright. And I’d spilled my guts to her, telling her the entire crazy story—from how Hazel and I met, to our road trip, to the shock of walking into a bar in New York City expecting to see my old pal Brady, only to find out that my Maddie wasn’t my Maddie at all. She was my buddy’s Hazel.
My mom could be a busybody, but today she was there when I needed her. She’d even given me some good advice, had me looking at things from a woman’s perspective. If it weren’t for her talking me down, I’d probably be on a plane on my way to force Hazel to talk to me before she was ready.
I sat down at the table and blew out an audible breath.
“I know, sweetheart.” My mother patted my hand. “She’ll come around. You just need to give her a little bit of time. I saw the way she looked at you. It’s not over. Right now, she’s confused and feels betrayed by both you and Brady.”
“I thought this was supposed to be a pep talk to make me feel better.”
“It is. But that doesn’t mean we ignore the part of the truth that isn’t pretty. I understand that you were in a tough situation, and I understand your reasons for not wanting to tell Hazel about Brady. You wanted Hazel to pick you because she wants to be with you, not because she didn’t want to be with Brady after she found out he’d cheated. I get it. I really do. But that doesn’t change the fact that you kept something from her. From everything you’ve told me, she was honest with you right from the start—even when she told you she wasn’t sure if things with her and Brady were over when she went home after your trip. That couldn’t have been easy for her to tell you. She risked losing you by saying that. But she was honest with herself and with you.”
I blew out a jagged breath. “Unlike me, who wasn’t honest. Because I didn’t trust her to make a decision to be with me for the right reasons.”
My mom nodded. “I’m afraid so. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is give them the space they need. Although it’s also the most difficult thing you can do.”
I forced a smile. “Thanks, Mom.”
My dad came over later in the day, and we managed to have a quiet, but nice Christmas. When my parents left, I thought a lot more about what my mother said. I’d been calling Hazel nonstop just so I could hear her voice, which was selfish and only going to make me feel better. So I decided to stop, to let her have the space she needed. Though before I did that, I wanted her to know that my lack of contact wouldn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about her. So I composed a text:Hazel, I’m sorry you’re hurting right now. I’m even more sorry that something I’ve done has contributed to that pain. I know you need some space, so I’m going to give that to you. But please know, not a moment of the day goes by when you’re not in my thoughts. I’d hoped to tell you this in person, but if it’s going to be the last thing I get to say to you for a while, I need to say it now. I love you, Hazel. I think I have since the first moment I laid eyes on you. When I look back, I’m not sure how I lived for so long without you in my life. But then I remember, I hadn’t really been living until you made my heart beat again.I was surprised when a few minutes later my phone buzzed. Seeing Hazel’s name light up on the screen made me feel more hope than I had in days. But then I read her text:Thank you. Take care of yourself, Matteo.And whatever morsel of hope had bloomed inside of me instantly wilted. Her message sounded a hell of a lot more like goodbye than just needing a little space.Chapter 31* * *MatteoSeven weeks laterI arrived a day early.
The last seven weeks had felt more like seven years. Each day, I got out of bed and went through the motions, but it didn’t really feel like I was living. Thank God my leave of absence was over, and I’d had to go back to work. Otherwise I’d have a Vitamin D deficiency from lack of sunlight. I really hated to compare anything to do with Zoe to my situation with Hazel, but the way this was hitting me might’ve been worse than what I went through after I lost Zoe. That sounds crazy, I know. And in a lot of ways it felt disrespectful to Zoe to even think that. But when she died, I had no choice but to accept that she was gone, and I had to move on. That didn’t mean I wanted to find a new girlfriend or anything. Yet after the shock wore off, I accepted that she was gone from my life forever. What had happened was a cold, hard fact that I couldn’t change.