Fuck.
Where had she even come from? Had she been on the bus since Minneapolis? Buddy was my guitarist and the only bandmate I typically confided in. He’d confronted me after the show cancellation, and I eventually admitted what happened. He must have thought that fucking Luca out of my system was the way to go tonight. That wasn’t going to be happening. It was way too soon. Maybe there would come a time when it didn’t feel like cheating. But at this point in time, my body still felt like it belonged to Luca. And that was fucked up.
“Well, Buddy was wrong. I’d actually really like to be alone, but thank you for thinking of me.”
She looked disappointed. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
She rolled off the bed and disappeared down into another section of the bus. After she left, we started moving. I shut off the interior light and just crashed.CHAPTER 31
LUCAI hadn’t gotten a single good night’s sleep since ending things with Griffin. I’d have painful thoughts about him drowning his sorrows in women or alcohol. And who could blame him after what I’d done to him? The breakup had put me in a constantly strange mood, one of overall apathy. Without being able to look forward to Griffin’s calls, his letters, his voice, his touch, it was as if I didn’t care about anything at all anymore, didn’t care if the world crumbled around me.
In the midst of it all, though, I’d done something I’d been putting off for years. I’d driven to the nearest tattoo shop and had the sun, moon, and stars tattoo that Isabella had wanted us to get permanently etched onto the inside of my forearm. I’d been “talking” to Izzy more lately and had felt like it was time to finally make that ink a reality.
Doc had just arrived at my house and would be seeing it for the first time.
“I have something to show you,” I said as he sat down at the kitchen table.
“Did you finally get around to painting the Atlantic puffin?”
“No. He’s still on the back burner, as is all painting at the moment.” I rolled up my sleeve and displayed my new skin art. “I got a tattoo.”
His eyes widened. “Oh wow.”
“Isabella and I designed this together. We’d planned to get matching ones. I hadn’t even been able to look at the design, let alone think about getting it, up until recently. I went and had it done a couple of days ago.”
Doc tilted his head to examine it. “It’s very beautiful. Why do you think you were suddenly able to do it?”
“Everything has felt different since letting Griffin go; maybe it’s a side effect of a broken heart. It almost feels like . . . I have nothing to lose anymore.”
“Well, permanently marking your skin with a reminder of Isabella is certainly a huge step toward healing and acceptance. I’m quite proud of you.”
“Yeah. I agree. I’m proud of me, too.” I smiled.
“As for your new outlook after ending things with Griffin, I don’t think we ever know how traumatic events will impact us until they happen.”
“It’s seriously like I just don’t care about anything anymore, like I don’t care if I live or die.”
His expression dampened. “You’re not feeling suicidal at all, right? Because, Luca, you need to tell me if that ever happens.”
“No. Not suicidal. I could never take my own life. I’d be too scared. It’s just a feeling of overall numbness.”
“Have you spoken to him?”
“No. I haven’t contacted him, and he hasn’t contacted me, either. Pretty sure he might hate me right now.”
Doc’s eyes moved from side to side. He looked a little guilty, like there was something he wasn’t telling me.
“What’s that look?”
“He doesn’t hate you.”
“And you know this because?”
“He’s called a few times to check on you. He’s concerned about you.”
“You’ve spoken to Griffin?”
“He never exactly told me not to tell you. Though I was never sure if I should. But I’m telling you now. Seeing as though you’ve drawn the wrong conclusion regarding his current attitude toward you, I felt it was necessary.”
“Did he say anything else?”
“He mainly just wants to know if you’re okay. I tell him what I can without violating our confidentiality.”
I didn’t know whether Griffin contacting Doc made me feel worse or not. I missed him so incredibly much, but at the same time, a part of me hoped he wasn’t hung up on me, that he could move on with his life like he deserved. Yet the bigger part of me was relieved that he didn’t hate me, and that he cared enough to check on me. Even in our absence, Griffin knew me; he knew contacting me would send me into an emotional tailspin.
“Thank you for keeping him posted. I’m sorry you’re stuck in the middle.”
“It’s no problem, Luca. I consider Griffin a friend. Of course, my allegiance will always be to you, so if you tell me not to speak to him, I won’t.”