“I don’t mean that, and you know it.”
“Well, what did you mean?”
“Look, Nicky, you’re a great girl. The best friend a girl could have. You don’t need me to tell you that he’s probably surrounded by women who are after him for what they can take; money, prestige, fame maybe. He’s got epic-sized baggage and trust issues as big as Kilimanjaro. He might be loaded, but he’d be a lucky man to have someone as loyal and good-hearted as you, babe. And he knows it too. Why else do you think he came to London?”
I sigh, feeling overwhelmed by what Maya is saying. I suddenly wish she was with me so I could give her a big, tearful cuddle and tell her I love her. “I don’t know, Maya. I mean, I really like him, but he’s gone. He couldn’t take it, and I don’t know if I can be the one to push.”
“Why? He did. He made the big gesture. He might have dressed it up as something else – the giant apology, or whatever – but he didn’t want to let you go, babe. Now, if you want him, it’s your turn. And if it doesn’t work out, if his issues are just too big, then you’ve done what you can.”
“But if it does work out, what the hell will that mean? He’s in Atlanta, and I’m in London.”
“And he has a private jet and a house in Kensington. I’d usually be negative about a long-distance relationship, but it’s not a standard situation, is it?”
“I guess not.”
“What’s your heart saying?” Maya asks quietly.
“My dad told me I should ignore my heart and listen to my gut.”
“Men!” Maya scoffs. “I tell you what. I’ll toss a coin for you. Heads you forget about Mr. Bossy and tails you reach out. What do you say?”
“I can’t decide something like this on a coin toss!”
“Why not?” I hear shuffling in the background. “Right, I’ve got a nice big fifty pence piece here, and I’m throwing it, and…oh.”
“What? What did it land on?” I ask, suddenly desperate to know.
“Heads, honey. I’m sorry.”
“I guess that’s it then,” I say, feeling hollow in my chest at the thought. My heart skitters in a way that feels strange, but I put down to the welling emotions that I’m feeling.
“You’re disappointed, aren’t you?” Maya says. “You wanted it to be tails because you want him, but you just can’t give yourself permission to feel that way.”
I sigh because what she says is true. Tails would have given me the green light without me having to take responsibility for the fallout when it all goes pear-shaped. “It was tails,” she says, with a smile in her voice.
“What?”
“It was tails, but I wanted you to face up to what you really want, honey. This is about you and your willingness to take control of your life. Things aren’t always going to work out, but with every stumble, we learn to balance a bit better. You’ve got to take a chance, Nicky.”
“You’re an evil cow; you know that!” I say, smiling.
“Yeah, but you love me.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Buddies rock,” she giggles.
“More than anything.”
“And anyway, I’ve seen this amazing handbag that I want you to get me on your next trip to the States.”
“What am I? Your personal shopper?”
“Let’s just call it payment for my excellent relationship advice services.”
“We can do that!”
“So, what are you going to do then?”
“Well, I’m back over there on Friday. Rhode Island, though.” I still have a ton of work to do to prepare for the meeting.
“Is that far from Atlanta?”
“Yeah, but I figure he traveled to London, so a domestic flight won’t be too much if he really wants to see me.”
“You’d better get in contact with him then, hadn’t you? Give the poor man some notice to rearrange his schedule.”
“Oh God, am I really going to do this?” I say, the enormity of the decision suddenly filling me with fear. What if he rejects me? Can my bruised heart take it?
“Yeah, babe, you are. And you know what? It’s going to be fine, whatever happens.”When I hang up the phone, I flop onto my sofa with a glass of whiskey, holding the liquid in my mouth as I consider what to do next. I could phone Aaron at his office and hope he’d accept my call, but I don’t have the courage to do that. If he sounded annoyed or reluctant to talk, it would make me stumble over my words. To be honest, I’m not even sure what I want to say. What can I say? That I feel something for him big enough that I don’t want to put it aside? Or maybe that when he left, I cried myself to sleep because of how lost we both are? Or even that I want to see him again and to hell with his rule?