During our last phone call, Maya was frustrated with me. She told me that when you can’t control things in life, you have to learn to accept that whatever happens will be for the best in the long run. I try some positive thinking while I watch the planes taking off on the runway outside. I imagine sitting in my hotel room, drinking a measure of whiskey and hearing the door unlocking. Aaron comes into the room, looking pensive but happy to see me. He leans forward and kisses me softly.
It’s a beautiful fantasy, but it doesn’t feel real. The thing between Aaron and me is far from perfect. It’s messy and raw and uncertain.
I’m on a day flight, so I don’t have any use for the flat bed, but I enjoy the space and my own entertainment system featuring a good choice of films. I also like the way the seats are configured to mean I am not sitting directly next to anyone, so small talk isn’t required. When I have things on my mind, sometimes I want to be able to dwell on them without interruption.
I arrive in Boston and then take a connecting flight to Providence, arriving dead on time. Outside the airport, the company I’m arriving to meet with has arranged a car to collect me. The chauffeur is a large, round-faced man with the broadest grin, and is holding my name emblazoned on a small whiteboard.
He insists on pulling my small suitcase, even though I’m more than capable. Actually, I’m grateful as the journey seems to have taken it out of me. I’m out of breath from hefting my luggage and my heart is beating like I’ve been running. I really need to get to the gym more often and increase my fitness. I settle into the back seat for the drive to the hotel. It’s early afternoon, but as it’s evening back home, I stifle a yawn, shutting my eyes against the bright sunshine. I have my meeting in the morning, and then I’ll be back at the hotel just after lunch to wait on Aaron. I’ve planned what to leave at reception for him and what I will wear. Meticulous planning has calmed my nerves, but, as I slide the key card into the door of my hotel room, the anxious butterflies return with full force.
Jessie calls when she arrives in reception. She’s come alone this time because it’s only a flying visit and Abbey would be too tired from the traveling to enjoy herself.
I find my cousin in the hotel bar, a shiver running down my spine when I notice how similar it is to the one in Atlanta. Only a short time ago, I was sitting in a different booth, untouched by a man who has so easily managed to possess my body and my heart.
“Nicole,” Jessie calls, waving excitedly. She has a bottle of wine in a silver cooler filled with ice and two large glasses. Her hair is blown out to perfection and her clothes are definitely designer. She looks like an upgrade of my real cousin.
“Jessie. Wow. You look amazing.”
We hug and it feels so good to be embraced by family. She smells expensive but strangely familiar too.
“I got wine,” she says, grinning as we slide into the booth.
“I saw.” She pours me a glass, which is actually about a third of the bottle. I can see I’m going to have to be careful tonight.
“So, when is your meeting?”
“In the morning,” I say. “I think the jet lag’s going to get me badly this time.”
“It must be hard when you’ve got to make a good impression.”
She’s right. Suppressing the yawns is always a challenge after a long flight. “I’ll have to get by with coffee. So how are Abbey and Ryan?”
Jessie smiles broadly at the mention of her little family. “They’re brilliant. Abbey is loving kindergarten and Ryan is getting better at the work-life balance. Everything is good. It’s so weird being able to say that.”
I reach across the table and rest my hand on Jessie’s. “I know, hon. It must be such a relief.”
“You have no idea. Sometimes I look back on the last few years and I can’t really understand how it all happened. I thought I knew where I was in life. Things had gone wrong and I needed to pick up the pieces. I guess I just saw what I was doing as punishment in a way.”
“You didn’t deserve punishment,” I say fiercely. “Nothing that happened was your fault.”
“I know that now, but at the time I didn’t see myself or my situation clearly. My eyes were to the ground.”
“Then Ryan rode in on his white horse.” I imagine the fairy tale that pulled Jessie from her terrible situation, the debt her husband left behind after he died and that she kept secret from everyone in her family.