“What are you up to now?” I ask as I catch up to Heidi out in the parking lot.
“Home?”
“Want to stop for lunch somewhere?”
It makes me real happy when she answers, “Okay” without even hesitating.
She follows me out of Empire to Hog Heaven. I know how much she loves this place. It looks like a shithole from the outside, but the chef is from some culinary school and he serves hearty gourmet food that comes from local farms and stuff. It’s the closest decent restaurant to the clubhouse, so the guys end up here a lot.
“Is this okay?” I ask once we’re settled in a booth in the back. Alexa’s in her carrier next to Heidi, checking out her surroundings. Heidi’s stirring her coffee in an endless circle.
She glances up at me. “It is. Thank you. I don’t deserve you.”
“What are you talking about?”
Her spoon clatters on the table, and she puts her head in her hands. “I don’t know.”
“Heidi, talk to me.”
“What are we doing, Blake?” she mumbles.
“What?”
She tips her head to the side so she can see me. “What are we doing?”
“Having a late lunch?”
She doesn’t laugh.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. I want to take care of you.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you.” I’ll never get tired of saying that to her. “That’s what people in love do—take care of each other.”
A brief smile lights up her face before her eyes darken with worry. “What do you expect from me?”
“Nothing. I know it’s too soon.”
“How long are you willing to wait?”
Forever. “I love you. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t deserve you.”
“What does that even fucking mean?”
Leaning forward, she drills me with a fierce stare. “It means, I screwed up my entire life, and you’re going to help me put it back together? How is that fair to you?”
“Heidi.” I grab both her hands, holding her tight. “You didn’t screw anything up. None of it matters anyway. All we can do is go from here. I don’t want to be without you any longer. That’s a fact. It won’t change.”
I expect her to move away, to put some distance between us. But she uncurls her fingers and wraps them around my hands. “I feel awful. Axel doesn’t get the same chance,” she whispers. “But it was his choice to take that job, and I feel guilty for even thinking that way.”
I don’t know what to say, so I just keep holding her hands and let her talk. “From the second I found out I was pregnant, I kept trying to do the right thing, even though deep down I knew it was wrong in my heart.”
“Like what?”
“Don’t make me say it.”
For a minute, she scared me. I thought she meant Alexa was the mistake. But she means getting married. I won’t make her say it and I won’t agree with her either. I’ll just keep holding on to her.
“Now, I plan to do what’s best for Alexa and whatever makes me happy.”
“Do I make you happy?”
“I don’t know yet.”
Her answer doesn’t upset me at all. I run the back of my hand over her cheek, and she peers up at me. “From now on, I want complete honesty from you, Heidi.”
“I haven’t lied to you.”
I cock my head to the side and she glances away. “Maybe not. But I think sometimes you hide the truth when you don’t want to bother someone.”
Her eyes widen, like she never realized that’s what she does or she’s surprised I got her figured out. I’m not sure. “Maybe,” she mumbles. Then she fixes her dark brown eyes on me. “You’re also real quick to assume stuff, you know,” she accuses.
“Oh, yeah? Like what?”
“Like when you showed up on my birthday and assumed I’d hop into bed with you.”
I grin because even though that night ended up being a clusterfuck, it was still pretty fucking awesome.
“Why are you laughing?”
“I’m not laughing at all.” I pull one of her hands up to my mouth and kiss the back. “It’s one of my favorite memories.”
She snorts and pulls her hand away. “Yeah, right. I’m sure the epic case of blue balls was very memorable.”
I burst out laughing and she glares at me. “What I mean is, you assumed my eighteenth birthday meant I was yours. You didn’t ask me what I wanted.”
My laughter dies down. She’s right. “What did you want?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you want now?”
“I don’t know,” she answers, a little more unsure this time.
“You want me to back off?”
Her mouth curves into a soft smile. “No.”
My heart stops its mad gallop at that one simple word. Especially the way Heidi doesn’t have to think it over. I think she knows what she wants and she’s afraid to admit it. And I’m okay with that.
“But I can’t promise anything, yet,” she warns.
“Take your time, beautiful.”
I’ve been reduced to an eleven-year-old boy again. I could go downstairs almost any night of the week and have my pick of hot girls eager to please me. Instead, I’m dick-in-hand, jerking off in the shower every morning. Frustrated doesn’t begin to cover it.
When I told Heidi the next move was hers, I didn’t consider that we see each other almost every day. Even when we don’t see each other, I know she’s a quick walk through the woods away.
Since our talk, we’ve settled into a new normal. Grudgingly, I have to admit, some of the things she accused me of were true. I have always taken her—taken us—for granted. There are a lot of little things about her I don’t know because I’ve always just assumed.
I’m trying to give her space to figure out what she wants. She needs to push past her guilt, her grief, and everything else holding her back and make the decision when she’s ready. I won’t repeat past mistakes and try to force it. I will be her friend and help her with Alexa when she needs it, though. No matter what, there will always be a connection holding us together that I can’t ignore.
After finishing my solo shower, I rush to get dressed. Since Marcel moved back into the clubhouse, Heidi’s been trying to put her life back in motion. One of those things was to meet with her adviser and get back into school.
Yesterday, I promised to watch Alexa, so Heidi could go to her appointment. Hope has to be in court and Trinity is at the gym with Wrath.
First, I pop over to see Marcel.
“Need anything, bro?”
He glares at me. “Where you headed off to?”
“I’m gonna go grab Alexa and watch her for the afternoon, so Heidi can go to campus and meet with her adviser.”
He sighs and shakes his head. “Christ, would you stop using my niece to get into my sister’s pants?”
His words hit me with the force of a tire iron to the chest. “What? How can you even say that?”
“Come on. Babysitting? All this other shit you do for her—”
“I’m trying to be her friend. It’s Heidi. Of course I’m gonna help her out when she needs it.”
“Yeah, because you want her to jump into bed with you.”
“Fuck you.” If he wasn’t still so mangled from the accident, I’d throat punch him right now. “That’s not why. Even if it was, so what? Why does the thought of us together bug you so much?”
He sighs and looks away. “I don’t fuckin’ know.”
I might as well just say it. “Because of all the chicks we used to fuck around with to—”
“Yeah. Probably.”
“If I’d known it was gonna cause me this much fuckin’ trouble, I never woulda done any of it.”
He turns and stares at me for a few beats before speaking. “Heidi’s probably given you a ton of grief, hasn’t she? Making you work for it?” He grin
s and I’m itching to punch him again.
“What do you think?” I ask in my best are you stupid? voice.
“Fuck it. I’m sorry. No one else in the world would treat her better. And Alexa. That’s all that matters. Any douchewit she hooks up with is gonna be in Alexa’s life, too.”
“Good. Then the douchewit should be me, because you know damn well I love them both.”
Laughter rumbles out of him, and it’s the best fuckin’ sound in the world. Teller’s been dark since he got home. This might be as close to a blessing to date his sister as I ever get.
Date. We’re way past dating.
“Yeah. God help you.” He motions me closer and I lean over to give him a hug. “Bring Alexa over?”
“I will.”
“Thanks. That kid’s the only damn thing that keeps me from putting a bullet in my head.”
“Seriously? Your sister, me, the club, everyone loves you. Don’t say shit like that.”
He nods and waves me out the door. I go, but we’re not done with that conversation. Not at all.
Heidi said ten a.m. but I want to spend some time with her before she rushes out the door. I show up at nine and plan to pretend I got the time wrong.
I feel like an asshole when she opens the door looking stressed and rumpled. “Why are you here so early?”
“I thought we said nine?”
“No. Oh. I’m so messed up, maybe I did.” She opens the door wider. “Uh, I already fed her. She’s napping, but she’ll be up soon.” Heidi hurries into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator. “She’ll want to eat when she gets up and probably every couple hours. There’s enough in here.”
“Okay. Sleeping, eating.”
“And pooping. Lots of pooping.”
“Awesome. Can’t wait.”
She chuckles. “You can stay here with her.”
“I promised I’d bring her over to see your brother.”
“Oh, good.” She hesitates and glances down. “Shit, I need to get dressed.”
“Did you eat yet?”
“No.”
“Go do what you need to do. I’ll make you something.”
Since I’m here so early, we have extra time to have breakfast together. “You keep feeding me. Are you trying to fatten me up?” she asks after I stick a plate of eggs in front of her.
“No. You’re perfect the way you are.”
She glances down. “I’m definitely different than I was before Alexa.”
I snort because all the changes look good to me.
“Hey, after my meeting, I’m going to swing by the hospital. Lucas sent me a text. He’s back and up at Empire Med.”
“Okay.”
“He wanted to see Alexa, but I don’t really want to take her there right now, you know?”
“I understand.”
Should I be rattled that she’s going off to visit some other guy? No. Am I?
Not really.
My morning with Blake was a nice surprise. He’s been living up to his promise of being my friend and giving me time. I know how busy he is between the club and working at Furious, but he makes time to see me and Alexa every day. Nothing big. He doesn’t bring flowers or make grand declarations of love. That’s not his style. He’s practical. Quietly showing me every day that he’s here for me.
Like he’s always been.
My meeting went better than I expected. I have to wait until fall to re-enroll, but otherwise, I’m all set.
Walking through campus, I’m assaulted with a hundred different memories of Axel and me here. I can even see our old apartment building from my adviser’s office.
I didn’t think this through.
How can I ever spend time here again, in a place with so many memories?
There are enough colleges in and around the Capital Region that I might have to look for somewhere else to finish my program.
At least I have a few months to think it over.
Lucas looks a hundred times better than he did when I saw him in Alaska, and it’s the first thing I say to him.
“Thanks, I still feel like shit. Where’s the kid?”
“Home. My brother’s finally home now.” I don’t mention Murphy because I’m not sure how much Axel told Lucas about our relationship.
“Where you living now?”
“With my uncle and aunt. They’ve been a big help.”
“Axel’s parents aren’t helping you out?”
“Fuck no. His mom was a raging bitch at the funeral.”
He looks so stricken, I almost regret my harsh honesty. “I’m sorry. He never talked about his parents much, so I figured something was off there.”
“They’re not the warmest people.”
We talk about a lot of stuff and it’s nice to catch up.
A nurse finally chases me out at dinnertime. I didn’t realize how late it was. I send Blake a text to let him know I’m heading home.
“Helga Dunning. My husband, Nick, is supposed to be on this floor.”
My head snaps up at the name. Not the last name, which I don’t recognize. The first name. There just aren’t a lot of Helgas around here.
The woman’s hair is dark like mine, but that doesn’t mean anything.
“Turn around,” I mutter. As if she heard me, she does, and I suck in a hit of air. She could be my mother. She looks like an older, poorly preserved version of the image I see every morning in the mirror.
“Mom?”
Naturally, she doesn’t look my way. Why would she? She relinquished the title of “mom” more than a decade ago.
“Helga Whelan?” I call out a little louder. This time she does turn.
What the fuck do I do now?
Her gaze lands on me and she tilts her head to the side. “Do I know you?” she asks walking closer.
“Heidi? Remember me? Your daughter?”
I wasn’t jealous about Heidi visiting her friend.
Eight hours ago.
She texted me when she left school. Then again when she was leaving the hospital.
She spent an awful long time there
“Stop being an asshole,” I grumble to myself.
Alexa chortle-giggles and waves her fists. We’ve had a pretty good day together. She’s a good baby. Easy to care for. She sure as hell cheered Teller right the fuck up.
Another hour later and I’m ready to freak the fuck out that Heidi still isn’t back. It’s not jealousy this time, it’s worry.
I’m hanging with the baby in front of the clubhouse so that I’ll be sure to see Heidi as soon as she drives up.
Instead, Z joins me. “Pretty soon we’ll need to get you one of those kangaroo pouches so you can just carry her around.”
“Fuck off.”
He laughs like an idiot and Alexa laughs with him. “See, she thinks you’re a moron, too,” I say.
“You’re awfully bitchy today. What’s wrong?” he asks.
I give him a look to see if he really wants me to answer or if he’s still being a jerk. He’s busy tickling Alexa’s feet, so I answer honestly. “Worried about Heidi. She should have been home a few hours ago.”
“Shit. You call her?”
“Yeah, but I don’t want to keep blowing up her phone and distract her if she’s driving, you know?”
That’s when we hear the crunch of gravel under tires coming up the driveway. “That sounds like her.” I let out a relieved breath before the warring sensations of worry and jealousy stir up. By the time she parks and gets out, I’m not sure how I feel.
“Hey, Heidi-girl. Your man was startin’ to worry about you,” Z says, jerking a thumb in my direction.
This is the first time anyone’s acknowledged what is pretty obvious. “Asshole,” I growl under my breath. The fucker laughs at me. Heidi didn’t seem to hear him at all.
“What’s wrong, Heidi?”
Her gaze darts between Z and Alexa, ignoring me completely. “Hey, baby,” she says, holding out her arms. I hand Alexa over and watch
her carefully for a minute.
“I’ll see you two at the party later?” I shake my head and Z makes a “call me” gesture then says goodbye to both of us.
When she raises her gaze to mine, her eyes are wet. “How was Lucas?” I ask, hating that I was jealous for even a second.
“Better. He looked much better than before.”
“That why you took so long?” Why? Why did I say that?
Her face hardens. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing.”
“You’re jealous of my injured, bedridden friend?”
“No.”
She leans in and kisses my cheek. “Thanks for watching Alexa, Murphy. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Heidi, wait.”
“No.”
I watch her go, hating myself for picking a fight over nothing. We’re not actually together. But we’re as together as we’ve ever been. In my head she’s mine.
Fuck.
I’m so tied up in knots on the way home. Mad at myself for attempting to talk to my useless mother, like some pathetic, needy child. Mad at shutting Blake down when he was probably just worried about me. Just pissed at the world in general.
After spending those awful few minutes with my mother, I needed to feel my daughter in my arms. Couldn’t wait to get to her. I’m not a bad mother. I’m not. Nothing could ever make me abandon Alexa the way my mother abandoned me.
“Are you okay, Heidi?” Hope asks when I shut the door behind me.
“No.”
“What’s wrong?”
That’s when I burst into tears. Alexa mimics me and screams her head off. Hope hurries over, taking Alexa and wrapping her arm around my shoulder.
“Come here. What happened? Did you have a fight with Murphy?”
“No. Not really.”
Now that I have a chance to think about it, I’m surprised he didn’t follow me over here and demand an explanation. Maybe he’s finally had enough of my back and forth moodiness.
The thought makes me cry even harder.
Hope works hard to balance rocking Alexa so she stops crying and rubbing my back to calm me down.
“Tell me what happened, honey.”