Twenty-Four
Heidi
Rage, not remorse colors my mood for this visit.
“You prick.”
Dropping down in the wet grass in front of Axel’s headstone, I stare at it for a few minutes.
Every memory from those last two weeks we spent together floods my mind. My anger with him for his indifference to my brother’s condition. His refusal to attend couples’ counseling. How much sweeter he treated me and Alexa. Taking our daughter to the zoo together and snapping a zillion photos of polar bears.
All that time we spent together supposedly working on our relationship, and he never told me he slept with my best friend.
Why am I so surprised? It’s not like he told me about the job he was planning to take either. He looked me straight in the eyes and lied to me day after day. Axel was a much better liar than I ever gave him credit for.
“You sneaky asshole. Not only did you lie to me about the job. You omitted the fact that you banged Penny, too, didn’t you? She cheated on Lucas left and right, just so you know. Tried to hook up with my brother when we were still in junior high. The girl never met a dick she didn’t want to jump on. You weren’t special.”
My gaze traces the dates on the stone. So young. We were so young.
“Did you feel bad about it at all? Or did you feel justified because you thought I went home and did the same thing? How could you look Lucas in the eye and work side-by-side after betraying him?” I reach out and brush my fingers over his name. “Guess I’ll never know now.”
Where did everything go so wrong?
Getting pregnant, duh.
Deep down, I already knew I didn’t want to be with Axel any longer. The shame of having a child-abandoning, lowlife, slutty mother and the ghost of my evil, bitch of a grandmother kept insisting that marrying the father of my child was my only option.
Axel’s parents were frosty, uptight, and traditional. Maybe Axel suffered from the same conflict as I did and that’s why he kept trying to talk me into an abortion. So, he could cut ties with me, nice and clean, and have an obligation-free future.
Pain stabs me in the chest. I buried the brutal sting of his cruel words and made excuses for him every time.
Maybe he was only ever meant to be my high school boyfriend and nothing more.
While he made my pregnancy miserable, I can’t deny that he tried hard to love Alexa once she was here. I glimpsed his desire to be a good father many times, and it reminded me of why I fell in love with him in the first place.
Would he have gotten the hang of the dad thing eventually? Or would our daughter have grown up with a father who resented her for the crime of being born at the wrong time in his life? What would that have done to my beautiful baby girl?
All pointless questions, I suppose.
Everything happens for a reason. So many people have said that to me since Axel’s death, and I’ve wanted to throat-punch them every single time. His death was tragic and senseless. All because of a corporation’s greed. It didn’t happen for some grand cosmic purpose.
I would’ve ended up with Murphy anyway. Axel didn’t have to die to make that happen. My daughter didn’t need to be deprived of her father.
Finally having this truth, that he cheated on me with Penny, doesn’t make me happy he’s gone. If anything, I wish he was standing in front of me, so I could throttle him.
The timing of Lucas’s confession seems awful, but maybe it’s exactly what I needed.
I swipe the two pennies from the back of Axel’s headstone and click them together a few times before setting them back down.
I won’t return next year to leave a third.
Twenty-Five
Murphy
“You’re late.”
Heidi drops her backpack on the bench right inside the front door and bends down to pick up Alexa who runs over to tell Heidi all about her day.
I give them a minute of intense chattering and catching up before interrupting.
“Heidi? Is everything okay?” I ask. She still hasn’t even glanced my way.
“Yeah, sorry.” She slowly picks up her head and gives me a weak smile. “It was a long day.”
The exhaustion in her voice draws me closer, and I wrap my arms around both my girls. “You want to stay home tonight?” I really hope she doesn’t. I can’t put this meeting off any longer, and I’d like to have her with me.
“No, I’ve been looking forward to it.” She kisses Alexa’s cheek one final time and sets her down. “Just give me a few minutes?”
“Take as long as you need. We don’t have to go for a while.” I glance at the clock. “I was just getting worried about you.”
“I ran into Lucas on my way out of the hospital.”
It takes me a second to place the name. Axel’s friend. Heidi hasn’t mentioned him in so long. “How is he?”
“Better physically.” She slips off her shoes and follows Alexa over to the couch. “Mentally, I don’t know.”
I’m not sure how to decode that. “Did he say something to upset you?” Injured or not, I’ll fuck that kid up if he hurt Heidi in any way.
Her gaze slides to Alexa who’s busy handing Heidi one of the books we bought today. I’ve already read it to her twice, but I don’t think my mermaid voices are as spot-on as Heidi’s.
I wait until Heidi’s read through the first book and Alexa scurries off to her room to grab the others before attempting to dig for more information.
“How was Lucas?”
She sighs and sits back, closing her eyes. “I don’t really want to talk about it right now. It was a rotten cherry on top of a barf sundae.”
Sure, I can’t imagine it was pleasant seeing Axel’s friend. I imagine it brought up some painful memories for her. Instead of salting her wounds with more questions, I wrap an arm around her and pull her to my side. “Know what you’re wearing tonight?”
Her eyes slowly open, and she gives me a soft smile. “Those black boots with the embroidered flowers you bought me in Texas.”
“They’ll match your hammer.”
“Think I need to bring it?”
“Might as well.” I nudge her. “What else?”
She shrugs. “Black jeans.”
“Tight ones?”
Finally, I’m rewarded with her laughter. “Maybe.”
“Nice, keep going.”
“How was your day?” She rests the back of
her hand on my cheek, slowly rubbing back and forth. “I missed you.”
“Pretty good.” I tilt my head toward Alexa as she stumbles out of her room with an armful of books. “We cleaned out the m-e-r-m-a-i-d shelf at the bookstore.”
“Look, mama!” Alexa races over, leaving a trail of books behind her.
“Oh, my goodness!” Heidi sits up and scoops Alexa into her arms.
“Who’s going to read all those books to you?”
“Daddy!” Alexa giggles and points to me. “Pop-pop and ‘Ope!” She thrusts her demanding little fingers toward the stairs.
“What about Uncle Teller?” I ask.
Alexa flips through her books until she finds one with chickens on it. “Dis one.”
“My girl’s got a plan.” Heidi laughs. “Good job.” She sorts through all the books with Alexa until they’re arranged in several neat piles.
Heidi reaches over and pats my leg. “Big spender at the bookstore, huh?”
I shrug. “She picked out some for Grace and Chance, too.”
“So, you’re not totally spoiled?” Heidi holds her thumb and index finger a millimeter apart. “Just a tiny bit?”
“No!” Alexa giggles. “Yes!”
“I knew it!”
I sit back and soak up their playful voices. Nothing in the world makes me happier.
Heidi
“Look what showed up at the post office today,” Hope sings as she comes in the front door with baby Grace in her arms. Rock follows her inside, carrying two large brown boxes.
“Oh my God!” I can’t keep the excitement out of my voice, even though I feel guilty as hell. “Hope, you really didn’t have to—”
“Happy almost wedding.” She cuts me off with a don’t-go-there smile as Rock sets the boxes down in front of me.
Hot tears nearly blind me for a second. Hope and Rock have already done so much for me.
“Murphy, you want to come over to the clubhouse and help me out?” Rock’s tone makes it clear he’s really not asking. Whether he wants to give Hope and I some alone time or there’s pressing club business, I’m not sure.