9ClaraMy heart pounded at rapid speed as I gripped the barre backstage, waiting for my cue to make my very first appearance on stage. Tonight’s performance signified the beginning of my new career. This made all my recent decisions so much scarier, much more real, and the full force of my new life was really beginning to affect me.
Training was one thing. It had been hard enough to win the other dancers over — which I’d succeeded at least a tiny bit — but it was a battle I still fought day by day. I was also acutely aware winning the respect of the ballet world as a whole was going to be something else.
Moving mindlessly through one position to the next to give myself something to do, I used the time to steady my nerves, attempting to calm myself. I knew once I stepped onto the stage, I was heading back into the limelight, and all that came with it.
I was not only scared for me about going into this. Although I was really not looking forward to the idea of even more negative publicity, I worried what that negativity would do to others who didn’t deserve it. I was also scared for my grandmother and her health. She had been thrilled, over the moon for me to return to the one thing that had always made me so happy, especially when she saw how serious I was about my comeback. But I was afraid about having to leave her alone. She’d been okay so far. We’d been introducing the help of home healthcare nurses, and all had been fine, but I was still around at the moment. It wasn’t always going to be that way. If tonight went well and sponsors began to want me again…
“Okay, Simyoneva,” Yuri said in a quiet but firm tone as he maneuvered through the obstacles of ropes, lights, props, and dancers as if they didn’t exist. “I’ve been thinking about it. Because of the fact that somehow more press than the few we contacted found out about this little show, and because of how we are trying to move forward and not look back, you know I’d already decided we need to do zero interviews before the opening curtain. And depending how the performance goes tonight, maybe none after.”
I didn’t know if I wanted to jump up and hug the man thanking him for saving me from the ugliness I well knew could be hidden behind supposedly innocent questions, or to shout at him in anger asking what the hell he was thinking. Not only were interviews part of the gig, they were part of my contract. Alek expected me to not only perform flawlessly on stage, he was counting on me putting myself out there and building up the ballet company. I’d not said anything when Yuri informed me pre-performance interviews had been nixed. Even if some of the dancers considered it a sign I wasn’t trusted not to destroy the company’s reputation, I’d convinced myself allowing the mystery to build a bit had its benefits. But if I didn’t show my face after the curtains closed, how would the other dancers see me? I’d lose any respect I’d worked my ass off to build over the past few weeks. And there was the matter of the penalty I’d be expected to pay for failure to live up to my contract. Even though exactly what that would entail had remained unanswered, I wasn’t especially eager to find out.
Mysteries ran both ways, and I wasn’t ready to find out what price Alek would extract from me. He’d been avoiding me ever since he’d seen me naked… or rather, ever since he’d eye-fucked me from a distance and then practically shoved his tongue down my throat moments later before abruptly releasing me and stomping out of the room. I felt my body heating at the memory and instantly shut down that path, looking up at Yuri, ready to argue with him.
But as I glanced around at the other members of the company, they seemed to be nodding in agreement with Yuri as if they completely understood his logic. Or maybe as if they were scared of him. I wasn’t totally sure. I’d yet to get a true reading on this man.
I didn’t really know what to do at the moment. When I’d been a prima ballerina, I could make suggestions, and, while I might not have always been successful, at least I’d always been listened to. But unfortunately, I’d lost that right when I turned my life upside down. I got the sense if I started running my mouth off now, I’d end up isolating myself and proving the rumors I was difficult were true.
I knew I was on probation every single day. Yuri had kicked my ass in rehearsals far more than he had anyone else’s. The reason I didn’t complain was that I needed it. I wasn’t afraid of hard work and was determined to earn my place back on the stage.