“I wanted to make sure you’re okay,” she says in a rush like all those words are a single word. Iwantedtomakesureyoureokay.
“Yup.” I lift my mug and toss the rest of the whisky back in a single gulp. It burns. It was a massive gulp. I nearly choke myself, but I force myself to swallow as my eyes water like crazy. My vision is blurry, but I quickly turn and rinse the mug out in the sink before tucking it into the dishwasher to hide the evidence like I’m guilty of doing something I shouldn’t be doing.
“Are you sure?”
My back is to her. That’s strategic. “Yup.”
“Luke… I…I mean, Christmas is hard for a lot of people, even in the good times. I saw your face today. You didn’t look right.”
“Thanks.”
“I mean it. You looked…you looked really sad, and I want to make sure you’re okay. Just for…just for Shade. Because this is hard for him too, and I’m trying to do what I can to make it not so hard, but I’m lost here because you know very well I don’t have any experience with this. Being a nanny or otherwise.”
“Yet, I hired you.”
“Yet, you did, but that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that…that I just want to make sure you’re going to get through the next couple of days, and if not, you need to let me know so I can figure out how to cover for you the best I can. For Shade.”
She’s right. God, she’s right. She’s thoughtful, and she’s actually pretty damn nice. She even called a damn wildlife rescue and got that opossum relocated. Shade said she was about to try and bring it back to life by giving it CPR—she must have explained it to him—when they thought it had died. She wasn’t about to let it die in front of Shade. I’m not sure how far she would have gone, but imagining prim and proper Little Miss Rich and Spoiled out there, giving mouth to mouth to a wild animal made me want to burst out laughing when I heard about it. Thinking about it now makes me smile despite everything. The point is, she was willing to take a hard one for the team, and she’s willing to now. That means something—it means something to me, which hits me like a good old ball bagging. Never mind. There’s nothing good about a ball bagging. When you get tea bagged, it always feels quite fresh. Believe me.
“Luke?”
I’m still not facing her. Maybe I’m a coward, or maybe I just can’t. But I do get something out. Words I haven’t been able to speak out loud, words I can barely process, even just for myself.
“Do you know that when someone is taken from you, it’s not the big things you miss? It’s all the small bits and pieces that are stolen. They’re what matters. All the texts here and there, the goodbye kisses on the forehead or cheek, the brush of fingers, the how was your day that everyone takes for granted, and the token text to ask what I want for dinner. I even miss getting nagged to do the garbage or whatever else. It’s all those tiny bits. They add up, and those are what gets taken from you. It’s not just a person, your whole world, your whole life, or your whole future—not just all of that. It’s all the things in the present too. The things you don’t even realize you miss until they’re gone, and then you realize that all those things, they made up your entire world. If someone had told me that before I lose Britt, I would have laughed it off as being corny. Beyond corny. But it’s true. It’s so fucking true.”
“I—I’m…”
“Please don’t say sorry. You don’t have to be sorry. You didn’t do anything. Why should you be sorry?”
“Because I brought it up. Because you won’t look at me, so I know I’ve hurt you, and that’s exactly what I came in here to try and help avoid. Because you’re hurting, and maybe it has nothing to do with me, but I do feel bad because I care about Shade, and I know when you’re hurting, he can see it, and it makes him hurt too. Because I don’t like feeling useless, and there’s nothing I can really do, and it sucks, so I’m sorry about that too. I’m sorry you have to go through this, and Shade does too. I’m sorry the world is super shitty, and you both have to experience it every single day. I’m sorry Christmas is a piece-of-shit day when you have memories of it not being a piece-of-shit day. I’m sorry you have to endure your family tomorrow because that must suck too. It must be really awkward and horrible, and I wouldn’t want to do it. So, I’m sorry. I am. I don’t know what else to s…”