He laughed. “What, am I so irresistible that you think women are banging on my door in the middle of the night?” He switched to falsetto, “Mick, sex me up, pleeease, Mick! I need your hot body, Mick!”
We both laughed, and then I said, “No really. You’re a good-looking guy with a great job. Do you have some secret flaw that I don’t know about yet? You turn into a giant lizard when there’s a full moon?”
He didn’t laugh. He pressed his lips together, and then started to speak, but stopped. He started again, but stopped again. He put his hand on my knee and looked into my eyes. “Casey,” he said. Then he sighed and looked away. “I don’t know,” he said. “I met so many girls on dating sites, and I’m beginning to think that was a bad idea. They just, I don’t know, it was like they had a list of things they wanted and they checked them off.... It was so superficial. Nobody seemed real. Does that make sense?” He picked up my hand from my lap and held it.
“Yeah, I guess so. I did a dating site when I was in college, but I didn’t meet anybody I liked either. Seemed like the guys were always looking for the next girl.”
“So, what about you,” he said. “Why are you still single?”
“I don’t know. I have friends who make meeting somebody a priority in their lives, and they date a lot. That doesn’t seem very romantic to me. We’re not living in a very romantic time, are we?”
“Oh, I don’t know. This evening seems like a pretty romantic time to me.” He lifted my
hand and kissed it. “Turn around.”
“What?”
“Turn around so your back is to me. I want to give you a back rub.”
“Oh, do you think we—”
“Come on. I took a massage class in college—it counted for Phys. Ed.”
I laughed. I can’t even tell you how much I wanted his hands on me. “Oh, okay,” I said. “I wouldn’t want your massage skills to get rusty, after all. But that’s the only reason I’m doing this, just to help you out.” I turned around to face the wooden arm of the futon, and took a sip of wine.
Mick laid his big hands on my shoulders. I felt their warmth seep into my skin. He started to knead the muscles on my neck and shoulders, and I could feel myself loosening up. Then he did something, I think with his thumbs, walking them down my back right near my spine. God, it felt good. I was relaxing under his hands when that little voice spoke up again. “Stop! This is terrible!” “Shut up,” I said back to it.
“What?” Mick said.
“Oh! Nothing! I guess I just groaned.”
“Okay,” he said, and got back to work. I seriously cannot tell you all the things he did with his hands, but I wanted to send the teacher of his massage class a thank-you note. It was so good. There was a rhythm to what he was doing. He pushed me forward and then decreased the pressure so I leaned back, only to push me forward again. Over and over he did this. It was hypnotic. And all the time, my imagination is running wild, telling me to scream out places for him to put his hands. Which I did not do. Of course.
After a while he pulled me back so I was leaning against his chest, and he kneaded my shoulders in this position. Then ran his hands down my arms, loosening every muscle as he went. When he got to my hands, he stroked my palms for a minute before lacing our hands together. Then he wrapped his arms around me, bringing my arms along too. He stayed that way for a minute, and it gave me a chance to realize that I was breathing fast, and that my panties were probably soaked.
It also gave that voice a chance to speak up. “You are living a lie,” it said. “If he knew, he wouldn’t be here.” Suddenly I wanted to cry. This whole thing was an illusion I’d created out of a lie.
Just then, Mick kissed my neck.
I gasped, wanting him so badly.
He unlaced his fingers from mine, and moved his hands to cover my breasts. Pleasure zinged from my nipples right to the center of me, and I knew I had to stop now or the whole thing would come crashing down.
I jumped up, straight off of the futon and halfway across the room in a second.
He looked at me, completely shocked.
“I’m sorry,” I said, “I just... It’s not...”
“It’s okay,” he said. “I thought....”
“I know! I’m sorry!”
He let out a big sigh. “Casey I didn’t mean to rush you. I know it’s only been a couple of weeks. It’s just...call me crazy, but.... I feel like I know you. I feel like you know me right down to my bones.”
“You do?”
“I know that sounds like a line, something a guy would say to get laid, but it’s true. I can’t explain it. You can’t know someone that fast. It’s ridiculous.”
“I don’t think it’s ridiculous. Sometimes I feel the same way.”
“Really?” He looked so happy that it gave me courage.
I took a deep breath. “Mick, when you look at me.... Do you....”
“I see a beautiful woman. A hot, gorgeous woman.”
“Well. Thank you. I mean....”
“What?”
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell him. The way he was looking at me, the way he touched me...I couldn’t give it up. I knew that the longer I waited the worse it was, but I couldn’t do it.
“I don’t know,” I finally said.