"Yes you! You know I'd have done anything to impress you."
He covers my hand with his free one. Our eyes meet and everything is just the way it was before he left. There's no more distance between us. There's no pain, just us. The way it should have stayed.
"I know," he says.
"Why did you leave?" I blurt it out.
He stiffens then removes his hand from mine setting it on the table. His finger starts tracing that familiar pattern and his gaze breaks from mine.
"Do you remember what happened?"
I nod slowly. "Of course I do?"
"All of it?" he asks sharply.
"Of course I do."
I'd almost been raped. Ben stopped it. I remember it well, he carried me home that night. We'd been in my bedroom when dad came in and the two of them fought again.
Ben stares, something unknown behind his eyes.
"Why did you and my dad fight so much?" I ask to break the silence.
Ben shrugs. "I don't know."
I can see the lie. Ben's an excellent liar so what is he holding back from me?
"You two never got along. Soon as you became a teenager you and he were butting heads constantly."
"Your dad's an ass," Ben says.
"How can you say that! He treated you like his own son."
"Yes, he did," he says.
"And this is how you repay him?"
"Where is he now Vic? Why were you alone at Mother's house working? Why is he not taking care of that?"
I fall silent. Ben knows of my dad's struggle with alcoholism. He knows how much Meryl meant to him.
"Exactly. Why does it all fall on you? Isn't that the husband's job?" Ben's voice is sharp as he leaps to the attack.
"You have no idea how hard it's been on him. You're off gallivanting around living the play boy life. Different women every week. Thrill seeking all over the world. You barely made it back for her funeral!"
"I was there," he says through gritted teeth.
"You showed up hours before! What about the days leading up to it? What about the months before when she was sick? She only wanted to see you!"
I watch his jaw tense and untense, his hands clench and unclench. What is he holding back from me?
"You think I didn't want to be there for my mother?" he asks at last.
"If you wanted to be there then why weren't you? You have all the money in the world, you just had to fly your private jet in and be there!"
"Things aren't that simple," he says.
"It is! She needed you. She asked for you. You weren't there."
I want to hurt him. I want to make him feel the way I felt when he walked out that door. I want him bleeding from his heart like my own still bleeds for what we were. I thought I could ignore it, push it aside and let something new take its place. How wrong I was.
Ben rises from the table both hands resting before him. He stares down at his plate not even glancing at me. His right index finger traces that pattern on the table cloth.
"We have an early morning, you should retire for the night."
He turns and walks out of the room without another word. I watch him go and realize I have nothing else to say either.
Chapter seven
Stupid. So stupid. Why didn't I just leave it alone? We were getting along fine. It's too early to bring up the past. I lay in bed berating myself. I have to apologize. Maybe I can fix this.
I can't stop replaying it in my mind. I shouldn't have asked. I just want him close to me again. Okay, only way to fix this is to do it. What's the worst that can happen? He doesn't want to talk to me ever again? Pretty much where we're at now.
I climb out of bed throwing my robe around me and head for his bedroom. I knock on his door and I feel like a little girl again when I used to slide into bed with him in the dark. He'd always welcome me, sliding over and sharing his covers. Pressed up against me with his strong arms around me I was safe. Warm. Loved.
I don't hear him stirring so I knock again, louder this time. He's never turned me away. One time I slipped in and he had a girl with him. She woke up when I started climbing in his bed and yelled. I smile as the memory comes back to me.
It was dark as I made my way into his bed. I'd had another nightmare and Ben always took care of me. I touched his shoulder and he scooted aside without a word so I could slide in between the sheets.
Then a girl screamed. I jumped back out of bed tears running down my face.
"Shut up," Ben barked at the girl behind him.
"What the hell is this?" she asks.
She's sitting up behind her and I can see she's naked. Her breasts are much bigger than mine illuminated by the moonlight streaming in his window.
"She's my sister, she needs me."
The girl was wide eyed, her mouth moved but no words came out. She pulled the sheet up across herself.
"You some kind of freak?" she asked. "You sleep with your sister?"
Ben turned away from me and I couldn't see his face but his voice was hard and cold. "Get the fuck out of my house now."